tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36762822024-02-28T23:18:04.047+10:00John Howard: Prime MinisterJohnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comBlogger88125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-49380853958209788702007-12-05T21:17:00.000+10:002007-12-05T22:56:27.790+10:00WhatEVER, Australia. Are you all retarded? I was the best PM eva! I did so much awesome stuff for this country, like pretty much single-handedly keeping the economy strong with Workchoices and keeping dirty foreigners out and stuff. Not to mention the power walking! Eleven years of power walking! 4015 days! With just one hour of strutting my hot prime ministerial body around every one of those Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-302420086755146342007-08-15T21:13:00.000+10:002007-08-15T22:45:11.627+10:00Ooooh, that Peter is such a nasty pastie! A few years ago, he told these journalists (of all people! Ew!) that he wanted to get rid of me! And I asked him if it was true, and he was like, "Nah, John, we're totally best mates... oh yeah, actually I did say that... BUT I DIDN'T MEAN IT!" But I think he DID mean it, and now I'm scared that he's plotting and sabotaging behind my back. Like, he's the Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-44195349739832369532007-07-13T20:50:00.000+10:002007-07-13T22:31:11.034+10:00Man, what a crappy week!First, people got pissy 'cause I forgot some Tasmanian chick's name. She was a Liberal candidate or something. But do you know how many Liberal candidates there are in Australia? I'd say at least a dozen — maybe more! I have enough trouble remembering the names of the front bench, let alone a sheila from some island. That's why the speaker in parliament just calls people Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-78131786668771090482007-07-06T18:21:00.000+10:002007-07-06T18:22:29.564+10:00So I’m back. When I stopped writing this diary, things were going so well, ‘cause fat old Kim was such a fat loser and everyone loved me because I go jogging and am fit and stuff and everyone had jobs and were digging the war in Iraq. But now, that geek Kevin Rudd is more popular than me and I can’t work out why! I mean, I have glasses, I have a big moon face, I’m short, I wear natty suits and Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1125993782543901692005-09-06T15:56:00.000+10:002005-09-06T18:09:28.600+10:00Pfft, I wish the PC crowd would just lighten up. Firstly, Johnny Brogden makes a hilarious joke about stupid Bob Carr's foreign wife by calling her a "mail order bride" - which is FUNNY, because she's FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY and also because Bob Carr is ugly and would probably have to pay a woman to go near him - then people get all offended by it, so he had to quit and then, because a life without Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1115121626539141172005-05-03T21:05:00.000+10:002005-05-28T15:49:30.463+10:00Now, I'm no dope-smoking, hippy greenie, but the Japanese want to kill a bunch of whales, and I'm not cool with that. Not 'cause I really care if they die or anything, but actual dope-smoking, hippy greenie whale-watchers bring in a fair bit of tourist dollars, and I do care about that. Still, I hate agreeing with Bob Brown on anything, and I made sure he knew this didn't mean that we were Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1113495333735178372005-04-15T00:55:00.000+10:002005-04-15T02:36:57.860+10:00So before the last election, we told poor people that if they spent heaps on medical bills, we'd pay heaps of it back, and I swear that we actually had every intention of doing that until we found out that it costs money to pay back someone's bills! Tony and I were totally shocked when Pete came in and told us that poor people were actually using this "safety net" thingo and that WE were paying Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1111844543615334752005-03-26T22:39:00.000+10:002005-03-26T23:44:48.710+10:00Wow, it's been a while since I've written anything here. Sometimes I just get so caught up in the fun and excitement of Australian politics that I just forget, though.And Parliament has just been chockers with excitement lately. Like Tony Abbott found his long-lost son and then found out it wasn't even his son at all! What a relief, though. Like, imagine wondering about your son for 27 years, Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1106208541273385482005-01-20T15:40:00.000+10:002005-01-20T18:09:01.273+10:00Ahahahaha! So the Australian Loser Party are even bigger losers than they used to be. They lost the election, they always lose at footy at lunchtime (well almost always. Sometimes it's just members of the NSW right, and they play dirty), and now they've lost Latham. So I guess it's back to old Fatty McFatfat. But I dunno if it's a good or a bad thing, really. On the one hand, I won't have Mark Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1101798219261651532004-11-30T13:50:00.000+10:002004-11-30T17:03:39.260+10:00Just got back from APEC. This year it was in this place called Chilly which is in this country called South America, except it's nothing like Real America, 'cause it's full of poor foreign people. Like Centrelink. At APEC meetings, they always make us wear some lame costume and then they take this class photo of us all. Janette always insists on doing my comb-over in the morning and stands behindJohnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1100002108818502172004-11-09T18:07:00.000+10:002004-11-10T09:30:16.906+10:00Hooray, George is back! I mean, I guess I knew no one in America was gonna vote for a spaz-head like Kerry, but it's still totally exciting. Plus now getting re-elected this year is another thing we have in common. Sometimes I just can't believe how alike George and I are, like how we're both blokes, and how we're both conservative, and how we're both white, and both Christians... I mean, what Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1098805927660999032004-10-27T01:09:00.000+10:002004-11-01T18:51:32.283+10:00So this new Indonesian President Bangbang Somethingorother had this party the other week and I didn't get an invitation, but clearly he meant to invite me, so I went anyway, and I was like, "Why didn't I get an invitation?" And he was all, "Oh uhm... it must have er, got lost in the mail.. or uh, maybe Helen Clarke was supposed to tell you about it or... something." So it was clearly just a Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1097729674218616432004-10-14T13:13:00.000+10:002004-10-14T14:58:23.166+10:00WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The Coalition is in da house... Parliament House! I am now officially the greatest PM in the history of the universe! I kicked so much arse in the election, and I reckon that I'm just gonna be PM for ever and ever and ever. Even when I'm dead, Australians will elect my corpse over the Australian Loser Party, 'cause they will know that my corpse has a proven track record Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1097252510889738522004-10-08T22:32:00.000+10:002004-10-09T02:26:15.346+10:00Special Guest Entry by First Lady Janette Howard
Hello there dears, it's Janette here. I know the Australian public do not get to hear me speak much, as I am a lady of few words and I do believe very firmly that a woman's place is in the home and not on a soapbox. However, I thought on this very special occasion of Election Eve that I would break my silence and share my thoughts with Australia.Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1096560074942402202004-10-01T01:59:00.000+10:002004-10-02T02:03:33.246+10:00So the ALP think they can beat "Medicare Plus" with "Medicare Gold", but just wait until WE unveil "Medicare II: Electric Boogaloo". That'll learn 'em. And if they try and beat that, then we'll just have to bring out the big guns - "Super Medicare Mega Ultra Pro XP Times Infinity Plus One And No Returns". Let's see Mark Latham ease the squeeze on THAT. Labor's plan is lame anyway. Like, what's Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1095505320253931462004-09-18T19:55:00.000+10:002004-09-18T21:06:03.410+10:00So now that I'm like, against logging or something, I'm totally green and stuff. Ha, take THAT, Greens. I'm greener than the Greens. I'm so green that if I was sitting in the House of Reps right now, you wouldn't even be able to tell the difference between me and the chairs. I'm so green that I ate ALL my broccoli and silver beat at dinner last night... though that was mainly because Janette saidJohnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1095009256420059252004-09-13T01:36:00.000+10:002004-09-13T03:14:16.420+10:00Ugh, I had to do that stupid debate with Mark Latham today. I forget how boring politics can be sometimes. Like, in Parliament I only have to get up and speak every so often, and the rest of the time I can just sit back and play snake on my mobile, or draw biro tattoos on my arm or whatever. But one hour of discussing politics without even getting ad breaks? Yawn. Mark kept using all these dorkusJohnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1093627134339133292004-08-27T23:31:00.000+10:002004-08-30T03:51:16.393+10:00Shut up, Mike Scrafton. Children Overboard is sooo 2001. Like, I tell so many lies, as if I'm supposed to remember the details of just one lie that happened years ago. And now Labor are saying that I've lied 27 times, which is such crap. I've lied way more times than that. I mean, I lie at least once a day, and that's usually just when Alex Downer asks, "Does my bum look big in this?" Credit Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1091378003369825902004-08-01T21:53:00.000+10:002004-08-02T02:45:22.813+10:00Happy birthday to ME! I'm the birthday boy! Janette says that being 65 also makes me a big boy, but it meant I had a big decision to make. I could stay on as the ruler of Australia, leader of the Liberal Party, and being all powerful and stuff... or I could retire and get a Seniors Card. It was a tough decision to make, 'cause like, senior's meals, cheap movie tickets, and cheap bus fares are Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1090169503351018952004-07-19T00:59:00.000+10:002004-07-19T03:06:23.616+10:00I'm sooo excited! Alex Downer said the other day that he reckons the War On Terror™ is gonna keep going for at least a generation. That's so rad. Imagine - Coalition Government after Coalition Government, lying and fear-mongering for years to come... even when I retire, it's totally awesome to know that my legacy will live on and on and on. Man, I'm getting all excited just thinking about it! If Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1088526507567668472004-06-30T00:49:00.000+10:002004-06-30T02:34:51.296+10:00Bloody greedy un-Australian Australians. We do a totally nice, generous, caring thing like pork-barrelling to win votes from poor people by paying them $600 for having kids, and now some people who weren't supposed to receive the bribe did anyway, and they won't give it back. They're being heaps selfish, because we already bribed them with tax-cuts. Man, buying people's votes is HARD. Like, we Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1086625683628866132004-06-07T23:51:00.000+10:002004-06-08T02:34:19.236+10:00What an awesome week! After meeting with The Terminator, I went to the US captial, George Washington, and hung out with George Bush. It was awesome, 'cause he totally bagged out Mark Latham. I was like, "There's this lame guy at home and he's mean to me and he sucks and is lame." And so George went to this press conference and said, "There's this lame guy in Australia called Mark Latham, and he'sJohnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1086251981069124152004-06-03T16:58:00.000+10:002004-06-03T18:39:41.070+10:00Oh my God! Oh my GOD! Today I got to meet The Terminator! It turns out that he's also the Governor of California. I told The Terminator how Janette wouldn't let me see T2, 'cause she said it was too violent and would give me bad dreams. But then last year, Alex Downer and I snuck down to Video Ezy and hired it and then told our wives we had to stay late at Parliament, but actually we watched T2 Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1084287689580228042004-05-11T23:18:00.000+10:002004-05-12T01:01:29.580+10:00Some people are never satisfied. Like, they always whinge if we don't try and stop evil people overseas and stuff, so we go and give the terrorists in Iraq democracy and freedom and all that, and they whinge about THAT. It's not our fault that terrorists hate freedom, you know. And sometimes the only way to get a person to love freedom is by locking them naked and blindfolded in a a room, and Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3676282.post-1083081639671586652004-04-28T02:00:00.000+10:002004-04-28T02:23:01.310+10:00So not only is Mark Latham a liar liar pants on fire, he's ALSO a copycat from Ballarat. He totally nicked a speech he did from some American president who wasn't George Bush. What a loser. But that's why I own this country - 'cause I come up with my own totally original ideas. Like visiting troops in Iraq on an important day for a rad press stunt. And outlawing gay marriage. I'm a total Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11422636376476723955noreply@blogger.com