I went to Adelaide Uni today, but they all picked on me. They said it was 'cause of our policy on asylum seekers and the treatment of higher education, but I know it's just 'cause I'm short. I've been teased about my height my whole life. I even still get teased in Parliament, even though I told Pete Costello that it isn't funny anymore. But the students were even meaner, because they threw things at me. Actually, sometimes Pete does that, too, but only when when we have food fights during lunch. Yesterday, I threw my Vegimite Rivitas at Alex Downer and it went all over his shirt! Janette says I have to buy him a new one.

Brian Greig reckons he's top shit now he's the Dem's interim leader, and he struts around like he owns Parliament House. As if. I mean, I'm the leader of a real political party (everyone knows the Dems are just there to make the country look more democratic), and I'm the leader of a whole country. A really big one, too.

I called George Bush again today, but they said he was busy washing his tennis shoes. They said that yesterday, too. I pay someone to wash my Dunlop Volleys, but George likes doing things himself. I think that's why he's always too busy to talk to me.

So Natasha's gone. I don't care, I never liked her, anyway. She always teases me and she thinks she's so hot. Once she stuck a 'Kick Me' sign on my back, and no one told me for the whole day. And she's always making fun of my clothes. I could wear Doc Martin's to Parliament, too, only Janette says they're not practical.

Only, I hope Aden Ridgeway doesn't become the Dem's interim leader. This one time, his glasses got in the way of my foot and they got crushed, but it wasn't my fault, so I wouldn't say 'Sorry', I mean, they shouldn't have been under my foot in the first place. But he's hated me ever since. What is it with Aboriginals and that word?

Parliament started back today, so Janette bought me a new Powerpuff Girls pencil-case, a new Powerpuff Girls ruler, a new Powerpuff Girls pencil and a new Powerpuff Girls Folder! But she said my old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pens still worked, so I couldn't get new Powerpuff Girls ones.

The opposition kept hassling me to say something about Iraq, but I have said something: We wanna go, too! Kevin Rudd kept picking on me, though. He was all, "America had a hearing about it, why can't we?" And I was all, "Duh, Dipshit, that's the point. America already made the decision for us. I mean, George Bush is a smart guy, I don't think he'd start a war without a really good reason." And all the Libs laughed at him, and now we're calling him 'Rudd the dud'. I came up with that.

I called George Bush this evening, but they told me he was doing 'President stuff that I wouldn't understand about'. They tell me that a lot.

Guten Tag from Fiji! We're having heaps of fun over here, except everyone's hassling me about this Green House stuff. But I said no way, we're not going to get rid of our green houses. But they reckoned that it was about gas emissions and methane and stuff. I told them that the Labor Party probably generate the most methane and release the most gas in Australia, and I'd be happy to get rid of them. But they didn't seem satisfied. Man, nothing's ever good enough for these people.

Personally, I think I'm a shit-hot PM. I go jogging every day (you should see some of the fatties over here!), I make sure that all of those illegal foreigners get locked up, and I brought in the GST for Christ's sake! I mean, who isn't happy about that? But, no, everyone's a critic. It's all 'Kyoto' this, and 'Human Rights' that. Obviously some of the Prime Ministers and Presidents over here have never led a country, cause it's like, as if anyone listens to the UN. Once George Bush and I sat and read that Declaration of Human Rights and just pissed ourselves laughing for ages. Well, ok, we didn't exactly do that, but I totally reckon it's the kind of thing we would do.

I went to Papua New Guinea the other day. I took one look around and said to their PM, Mike Somare, "Man, if this is New Guinea, I'd hate to see Old Guinea!" I don't think he got it. He's pretty dense. When I met him, I said, "Aloha!" And he told me that's from Hawaii, not New Guinea. Hello? I'm the bloody Prime Minister of Australia! I had a quality western education, he probably didn't even go to school. I'm not even sure if they have schools in that country. So I think I might know just a little better than him.

I can't believe George Bush! He's already started sending over tanks and helicopters to the Middle East... without inviting us! Why am I always excluded? Like the other day, Dave Kemp, Rob Hill and Tony Abbott went and saw the Spiderman movie together, even though they'd promised to see it with me. Amanda Vanstone and Kay Patterson said I could come and see The Tracker with them, but it's about Aboriginals, and... y'know. I did go and see that Ali G film, but no one told me it had migrants in it! Still, I suppose as long as they're going to England and not coming here, it's ok.

Westside.

I'm so cool. I totally talked the Chinese into buying $25 billion worth of gas from Australia. Now everyone in the country must think I'm the shit. I am the shit. I beat Tony Blair and Megaw..something Sukarn..arytpuyo...whatever, the Indonesian woman. Ha! Wonder what George thinks of Tony now! I should remember to invite that Premier Zhu guy round for a beer with George and Queen Liz and not Tony. That'll show him.

It looks like the Democrats are up shit creek. Everyone thought Natasha was sooo cool wearing her Doc Martins and going on the Panel and everything, and that I was just this short guy with bushy eyebrows (which Janette reckons are sexy, anyway), but now look: Everyone in her party's leaving and everyone in my party says I'm cool. Well, they haven't exactly said it, but Alex Downer gave me half his Snickers yesterday.

I should go and call George to tell him about the gas. Well, I alread did, but the last four times I called he was in the shower. Maybe he's out now.

George still hasn't called. I left a message saying I was willing to bring back conscription if he needed more troops. Sometimes I think he looks down on me. Mainly cause I'm so short. He says he's only joking when he calls me 'Short-ass', though.

Why's everyone so up-in-arms about how much money I earn? I think they just don't realise how hard being a P.M. really is. I mean, Parliament is really boring. And I'm always getting told off by the speaker for hocking spit-balls at Crean. He deserves it, though, cause he's always bagging me to the press. But I'm gonna get him back real good. Tomorrow I'm sending out a press realease titled 'Crean's a Stupid Whiney LOSER!' And Pete Costello's gonna put a fart bomb in his office!

The US is gonna attack Iraq and I really, really, really hope George invites us to join! I left a few messages at the White House saying that he could have as many Australian troops as he wanted but he hasn't called back yet. Janette says he's probably just too busy leading the free world, and she's probably right, but he's supposed to be my best friend! He told me that he likes me better than Tony Blair, but I don't know, cause they're always doing stuff without telling me, like bombing countries in the Middle East or ordering in pizza.

At least I know the Queen likes me better than both of them. She told me that she reckon's Tony's a total prat. But still, she's kinda old, and it's more fun to hang with the boys.

Do those boat people ever stop coming? I'm so over it. Seeking asylum is sooo last year. And protesting? That was never cool. I told Bob Brown to stop his unwashed, dreadlocked, pierced, tree-hugging, hacky-sack playing, hippy Greens supporters from letting out all the prisoners from detention centres. He reckoned they weren't representatives of the Greens. So I called him a dickhead. So he said, "So' s ya Mum!". So I said, "Yeah? Well I'm the leader of an entire country, and you're just the leader of some stupid hippy party who probably thinks he's a revolutionary or something!". So he called me a fascist, right-winged, reactionary arsehole. So I said, "Well at least I don't live in Tasmania!"

I totally wrecked him.

The UN are soooo unfair. They let the US and China do whatever they want, and we stick a few lip-sewing, children overboard-throwing illegal boat people in detention centres, and suddenly I’m an incarnation of Satan or something. I mean, chill out, it’s not like most of them are ever going to get citizenship or refugee status in this country. Not if I can help it.

But now that bloody Justice Bhagwati reckons we’ve created a ‘great human tragedy’. Phil Ruddock reckons he’s still pissed-off with me for calling him Justice ‘Big-whiney’ at a UN conference a couple of years ago. I’ll bet he is. What a sook.

Speaking of sooks, Natash Stott Despoja’s still not speaking to me cause she reckons I was the one who wrote ‘Tash and the Democrats Sux 4 EVA’ in the toilets at Parliament House a few months ago. As if. Why would I bother going in to the female toilets in the upper house? Everyone knows it was Meg Lees. She even has the same thing written in white-out on her briefcase.

Whatever. Natasha thinks she’s so cool just cause she wears Doc Martin’s and short skirts to Parliament. Just wait. Janette bought me this ace new red tie with yellow smiley faces all over it. It’s wicked cool.

I called George Bush today, but some woman from the White House said he couldn’t talk cause he had to celebrate ‘International Super-cool Presidents Day’. I said I’d never heard of it, but she said that’s cause I’m not a president.

It sucks being a Prime Minister sometimes.