A Chirstmas Letter from the Howards

Dear Friends, Family and National Party Politicians (Janette said I had to send you a copy of this, even though I didn't want to. No offence),

Wow, I can't believe it's been twelve months since this time last year.

I reckon when I think back on 2002, I'll remember it for all the Muslims, which, as we all know, is just a fancy-schmancy way of saying "Terrorists". I'd never even noticed them much before, well like, I had, 'cause they look different from me, so I used to laugh at them and stuff, but this is the first year I realised they were all harbouring weapons of mass destruction in their houses. So our first special Howard Family Christmas Prayer is for ASIO, because they've kept us safe from Muslims all year.

This year's been chockers with stuff to do, but of the coolest things I did was that CHOGM thingo. Well, stupid, ugly Tony Blair was there, and that sucked, but Queen Liz was also there, and what's cool about that is that 1) We're about the same height, 2) She's really old, and 3) She wears silly hats, so when I stand next to her, I look like I'm not so short, and also like I'm young and well-dressed. So our second very special Howard Family Christmas Prayer goes out to the British Monarchy, God Save the Queen and her pastel outfits, but not Prince William, 'cause he looks too young and tall standing next to me.

As you all probably know, I've spent a good part of this year hangin' with my mate, George Bush. We've done heaps of stuff together, like I showed him how to play Kanga Cricket, and he showed me how to ignore the UN. See that's multi-culturalism and racial harmony, Austalians and Americans getting on, not Australians and dole-bludging immigrants getting along. Anyway, it's been heaps cool, but it probably wouldn't have happened without the upcoming War on Iraq, so our third special Howard Family Christmas Prayer goes out to Gerorge Bush and the War on Iraq.

Janette reckons that this is the time of year to think about those who are less fortunate than ourselves, and there is one country that's really doing it tough, and I think we all know what country I'm talking about. It's a country with a total loser for a leader, a country where riots are happening all the time, and a country where many find it hard to even get a good meal. So this year, I ask you to put your thoughts out to that country, and give your own special Christmas Prayer for England. Trust me, they make me go there all the time, and you wouldn't believe how much that place sucks (unless you've been there, too, and then you probably would) - their PM Tony Blair is a total dropkick, everytime they try and play their version of "Football" (and they totally ripped that name off us) everyone watching gets all pissed off 'cause they all suck at sport (just check out their cricket team) and starts rioting in the streets, they eat something called "Spotted Dick", and on top of that, it rains all the time, like more than Tasmania, even. That kind of stuff's only supposed to happen to Third World Countries on the news, not Western Countries. So before you have your Christmas Turkey this year, spare a thought for the English, 'cause it's the Christian thing to do (and we are all Christians in this country, after all).

So we hope you all have a cool Christmas, unfortunately Santa's not going to be coming in Australia this year, 'cause Australian customs officials decided that the metal buckles on his boots could be used as weapons, so ASIO will be delivering any non-suspicious presents instead. But watch out, 'cause they're armed and they don't come down the chimney, they just break down your windows and doors.

Merry Christmas!

Yours Sincerely,

John and Janette Howard

Thursday night sucked so harcore. The senate doesn't want ASIO to be able to hassle Terrorists or something, so we had to sit in Parliament all night while they rejected legislation. It would've been cool, like a sleepover, only it wasn't cool 'cause we weren't supposed to sleep, so it was just an "over". Well, I snuck off to my office to sleep a little, but I woke up with post-its stuck to the lenses of my glasses and I thought for a second that Kay Patterson had colored them in with a fluro-yellow highlighter again ('cause she does that all the time, and she reckons it's heaps funny, even though it isn't), but then I realised that she hadn't.

Ok, some of the night was kinda fun, like when Janette dropped round some chocolate crackles, vegimite sandwiches and lemon-lime cordial for everyone ("everyone" being the members of the coalition), but we weren't hungry, so we threw them at the opposition But we had to stop when Bob McMullan got chocolate all over his new pants and started crying. Cry-baby. But that was funny, 'cause his pants had this big brown stain on them, so we all called him "Cry-Baby Poo Pants".

But from then on, it was really, really boring. Like, even more boring than Parliament usually is. So we decided to have a sing a-long, which was kind of cool, we did all the old classics: Advance Australia Fair, Puff the Magic Dragon, I Still Call Australia Home, Popcorn (ok, so that doesn't have words, but we all did that "Ba-ba ba-ba bum-bum bum" thing)... but then I started singing God Save the Queen and the Labor Party all groaned and threw things at me. I guess they mustn't know the words, or something.

Then Wilson Tuckey wanted to play "Spin the Bottle", but we decided that we didn't want to risk getting Labor-germs, so we went and mooned the Senate. Funnily enough, even after that, they still didn't pass that legislation. Losers.

Asia is such a stupid country. It's not like I dropped a bomb on them, or anything, I just said that I probably would if I thought they were going to drop one on us, or if they looked at me funny. They're like, "You better take it back!" And I'm like, "Why don't you take it back?" And they're like, "Take what back?" And I'm like, "Exactly". Ok, so that conversation hasn't exactly happened yet but if I have to meet that spaz Dr Mahathir, or whoever the President of Asia is, it totally will. And then everyone'll laugh at Asians and no one will care if we bomb them or not.

I don't know why everyone's so down on the Detention Centre at Christmas Island. I've never been there, but I've always reckoned it'd be all sleigh-rides, and little elves and presents and carolling and stuff. So what do those bloody ungrateful Terrorists do? Start a riot! Weren't they getting enough Christmas Pudding, or something? So now everyone's all, "Oooh, riots, ooh, we've gotta close it down!"

Well, if they reckon they're gonna get to go to Easter Island in April now, they've got another thing coming...

This weekend really sucked. First Labor won the Victorian State Election, then all the hippies had these big anti-war protests, then everyone's started being really mean to me for saying we should bomb other countries just in case they bomb us, and now the batteries in my Game Boy are flat.

Victorians are so stupid. Their brains have probably been affected by all their bad weather, or something. It has to be something like that, I mean, why else would they vote in a loser like Steve Bracks? I didn't even want to watch that election, 'cause the cricket was on, but Janette reckoned it was my job to watch it, or something. It was sooooo boring, though. As if anyone gives a damn about Victoria, anyway. They're all like, "Ohh, what will I wear today? I know: Black! What should I do? I think I'll go and drink coffee outside some stupid cafe and pretend I'm trendy, even though the weather sucks and so do I! Then maybe I'll go and listen to Jeff Kennett on the radio... oh that's right, I can't, 'cause he had a hissy fit and quit. Maybe I'll just drink more coffee and talk about how much cooler Melbourne is than Sydney, even though I know that it's really not."

Why are all the hippies trying to ruin this war for me? Pack of wusses. They should be off killing Terrorists and stuff, instead of smoking dope and playing hacky-sack, or whatever they do. It's a far more wholesome hobby. And why do they think that they can stop it just by making up stupid rhyming chants? It's not like I can't make my own chants. 'Cause I can, like "1, 2, 3, 4, Shut up, you stupid lefty hippies, why don't you go and get jobs?!" Yeah, take that, you stupid der-face Greenies!

Foreigners are so lame for not believing in Santa. Like, don't they watch TV, or something? But apparently now all these childcare centres are gonna "ban" Santa, just so they don't piss off little foreign kids. Probably little foreign Terrorist kids. That'd be right: Terrorists trying to wreck Christmas. But they're not gonna get away with it, 'cause I wrote this letter to Santa:

Dear Santa,

My name is John and I've been a good boy all year. Well, except for that time I tried to dack Simon Crean during Parliament, but he totally asked for that, 'cause he was bagging my Government, and then he's all, "But it's my job! I'm the opposition leader!" And I'm like, "Whatever. Oppose this..." And then I tried to pull his pants down, but the speaker yelled at me and banged that hammer-thing, so I said I was sorry, but I wasn't really, 'cause I had my fingers crossed behind my back.

Anyway, here are the things I want for Christmas this year:

• All foreigners (and that includes Aborigines) out of my country. Especially Terrorists, because apparently they don't like you. Or me;
• To be a bit taller;
• A t-shirt that says "Liberals Do It With Conservatism" written on it;
• George Bush to realise that Tony Blair is stupid, and for everyone to start calling him "Tony The Stupid Der-Brain Loser Who's Really Ugly And Stupid", or something like that;
• The Neighbours: Defining Moments DVD. That show's so great, because everyone's an Anglo-Saxon, just like in real life;
• For Australia and America to be closer together. Geographically, I mean. But not too close, we still have to be "girt by sea", 'cause it says so in the National Anthem. Maybe if we were just close enough to have a bridge between us. That'd be really cool, and Tony the Stupid Der-Brain Loser Who's Really Ugly And Stupid would be heaps jealous;
• To finally start this war against Iraq -- I'm sick of waiting! Sometimes I get out my G.I. Joe's and make-believe that they're bombing Iraq, instead of just dropping fruit on the kitchen floor, which is what they're really doing, but it's not the same as the real thing. Plus, Janette says it's a waste of fruit;
• Stupid Lefties, like the Greens and Socialist Alliance, to stop whinging and cut their hair, or move to Cuba;
• All Unions abolished, or at least for all the Unions to stop yelling those stupid rhyming chants, especially in May, when they seem to do it more often for some reason;
• A Playstation 2.

Be carefull when you're delivering stuff in Ausralia, though, because you probably don't have a Visa, and you might get chucked in a detention centre. And watch where you put some presents, 'cause ASIO might get a little suspicious if they see a man with a long beard leaving small, unguarded packages everywhere.

Thanks in advance,

John W. Howard

P.S. I'll leave you out some Vita-Wheats with Vegemite on them.Vegemite's really good for breakfast, lunch and tea, only Janette won't usually let me have it for tea.

I think we have to hate North Koreans now. I hope that doesn't mean we have to stop hating people from Iraq or Afghanistan, though, 'cause I'm having heaps of fun with that. I might call George Bush to see if that's ok. Not that I can't hate people on my own, but it's more fun when we can all gang up on them. Plus, the Americans are always doing fun things like starting wars, bombing countries and having sleepovers. But I can never keep up with who they hate. Like the Russians -- once they liked them, then they didn't, then they did, then they didn't again, and now I don't really know if we're supposed to like them... I think we are... Or maybe not.... I guess I'll have ask George about that one, too.

Fred Nile is so stupid. He wants to stop Terrorists from wearing their big Terrorist-clothes, or whatever they call them, but that's so stupid 'cause then how would we know that they're Terrorists? Like I said, I'm having enough trouble keeping up with who we're supposed to hate as it is, how hard would it be if everyone looked the same? That'd be a real problem, 'cause it's ok for Westerners to have weapons and stuff, it's just not cool if Foreigners do. That's why America is allowed to have them. And we've been working so hard to cover up how stupid ASIO really are, as well. If Terrorists stopped dressing like they're supposed to, then ASIO would never know which houses to raid, and we can't just have them breaking into the houses of innocent people! Imagine that!

And especially now, 'cause, as I understand it, we hate some Indonesians, but not all Indonesians. I don't know, the only Indonesian I've ever met is that Mega... Suka....wuka... you know, that President chick. I don't think we hate her, she doesn't dress like a Terrorist. But then, maybe she's just not wearing her Terrorist-clothes, and then... oh no, then we're really buggered!

Or are we...? Because, maybe.... I so don't have any idea about this. I'm going to call George.

Simon Crean has "challenged" me to adopt Labor's stupid lefty policy on war against Iraq. What a lame-o. Does he even get that I'm a Liberal? Why would I want a Labor policy? And it's not like I can't come up with my own policies. 'Cause I can. Like my new policy that everyone has to refer to Simon Crean as "Butt-face" for a whole day. I told him that and he's all, "Yeah? Well I challenge you to take on my new policy of everyone calling you "Stupid-Face McStupid" for a whole day, you stupid-face!" So I'm like, "As if! I'm not stupid or Scottish!" And he's like, "What? Are you chicken?" Which is totally not cool, 'cause everyone knows I'm soooo not a chicken, but then he starts clucking and stuff and all his stupid Labor Party friends come up and they're all, "Chicken! Cluck-cluck! Johnny's a chicken!!" So I couldn't let them get away with that, and I agreed to take up Crean's stupid "Stupid-Face McStupid" policy, so that's what everyone was calling me today. But they couldn't call me a Chicken.

I feel so dirty. I can't believe I shook hands with a Green! I didn't want to, but Janette said that it was the nice thing to do 'cause it was Michael Organ's first day, and to remember how I felt when I was new and everyone laughed at me and called me "Short-arse". But that's stupid, 'cause they still call me that, and everyone says they're just joking. But everyone knows that Greens don't wash, 'cause they're hippies. Kay Patterson reckons I have "Greeny Germs" now. I said that it's not as bad as having "Girl Germs", but then she hit me and gave me them, too.

So now I'm a female hippy called Stupid-Face Mcstupid. It's hard being a PM sometimes.

There were all these Terrorists outside Kirribilli today. At first I thought they were ugly, new garden ornaments that Janette had bought, and then I saw them move, and I thought they might be people, but then I realised that they were actually Terrorists. Apparently they were pissed off that ASIO had raided their homes or something. Whatever. If they want their houses left alone, then they shouldn't have been born Muslims (that's Middle-Eastern-y for "Terrorist"). It's pretty simple.

Look at this:



They're clearly sitting there, plotting out their next attack on Western civilisation. And just what do they have in those prams? They totally look like they're hiding weapons of mass destruction to me. Janette was also really annoyed about the Terrorists, but more 'cause they clashed with the colours of the house. Especially that one in the maroon. I'll have to tell ASIO to keep an eye out for suspiciously coloured garments, too.

Oh my God! Best. Weekend. EVER.

The APEC summit was soooooo much fun. We played pranks on the leaders of the countries no one cares about (where the hell is Brunei? It's funny, 'cause it sounds like "Brown-eye"!), and had food fights, and at night we told scary stories, like about lefties taking over the world and trying to conserve the environment and stuff (I couldn't get to sleep after that one). Oh yeah, and we also talked about politics and stuff. I tried to start a game of Chinese whispers, like we play over here in Parliament, but Jiang Zemin kept stuffing it up, even though he's Chinese or something. His interpreter reckons you can't translate "nong-head" properly. I don't even know why they bothered inventing the game, then. They didn't like Chinese burns, either. China really should get a leader who's more in touch with their culture.

But the best, coolest, most totally wicked part of the summit? George Bush was there!!! And Tony Blair wasn't!!! We hung out heaps, sometimes it was even just the two of us! Well, like there were security guys and stuff, but apart from that, it was just us! Janette wouldn't let me bring my Playstation, but I snuck my Gameboy up there and we played that heaps, mainly during the boring politics stuff. I asked George if he wanted to come jogging with me, but he didn't. Probably 'cause it was so hot. I thought Mexico would be cold, 'cause it's near Chile, but it's not. It's kinda like the Northern Territory, but with less Aboriginals and more cactuses.

Anyway, it was totally gnarly and I reckon Tony Blair's heaps jealous that he wasn't there.

Ha! Labor lost in Cunningham! And they didn't even lose to a real party. What a bunch of losers. I mean, the Greens are still losers, too, even though they won. We're the only ones who aren't losers, 'cause we were smart enough not to run anyone in an electorate where the people are such losers that they'd vote for losers like the Greens. So the Greens must feel like total losers for winning that election. But it sucks, too, 'cause now there's gonna be another Green hanging around Parliament House. They're always whining, "We need trees to survive!" "That's an endangered species!" "Stop hitting me! It really hurts!"

So after what happened in Bali, I guess it's clear that we must attack Iraq. Because they're obviously linked. I mean, they're both foreign countries. Eerie coincidence? I think not. I spoke to George Bush about it (Eeee! He's soooo cool!) and he agrees. Plus we decided that we better keep an eye on Europe, 'cause they're a forgeign country, too. He wanted to leave that up to Tony Blair, 'cause England's heaps close to Europe, but I dunno 'cause Tony Blair's such a dipshit. Maybe he can keep an eye out for Antarctica, or something, 'cause I don't reckon much is happening there. Though, I have heard rumours that they have some pretty dangerous spears and harpoons over there. Janette doesn't reckon that they count as weapons of mass destruction, but I dunno, they look pretty sharp, and I'm not even allowed to run with scissors. So maybe that's a bit too much for a der-brain like Tony Blair to handle. He'd probably be better off just getting a pet dog, or something, and looking after that.

George called me 'cause he reckons that Australia might come under attack from terrorists! He called me! Well, ok so he didn't exactly call me, so much as the Government. And he didn't exactly call, so much as write. And I guess it wasn't actually George who wrote, so much as a member of his staff. But still, it was pretty cool!

So anyway, Daryl Williams reckons that the terrorists would target our power stations and stuff, but I reckon he's wrong. If those terrorists know anything about Australians, they'll hit us right where it hurts: by striking all the things that Aussies are proud of. First off, they'd probably knock off Ian Thorpe. I reckon people in the foreign countries are probably heaps jealous that we're really good at sport. That's why they hate us: 'cause normal countries like Australia, America and China kick foreign country's arses at sport. Then they'd blow up the Big Pineapple and maybe even the Big Macadamia Nut (but probably only cause it's near by - it's not really as much funl), 'cause then there'd be nothing interesting left in Queensland. Then they'd kill Kylie. Then Holly Valance, just in case. In fact, they'd probably go and blow up the whole of Ramsey Street, 'cause that'd stop all the English back-packers coming to Melbourne and ruin its tourism industry. Then they'd sink both the Spirit of Tasmania boats so that no one could get off that wretched island and they'd all go mad with boredom.

But if they really want to hurt Australia, they'll hurt me. I don't wanna boast or anything, but I don't reckon this country could function without me. Probably even some other countries couldn't, either. I mean, imagine if I was knocked off, then Australia would be run by John Anderson. How much would that suck? People would be all like, farming and stuff. He'd probably grow corn in Parliament House or something. The National Press Club Luncheons would be catered by the Country Women's Association, which is ok 'cause everyone likes a good scone now and then, but not all the time. And that's what country people do: They eat scones all the time. I'm not even sure if they eat Vegemite! Like, imagine if no one had roses in their cheeks? 'Cause Janette reckons that's what happens when you don't eat your Vegemite. Maybe they could put Vegemite on their scones.

But who knows what terrorists are capable of? They could probably wipe out our Vegemite plants or trees, or whatever! And then the terrorists would have definitely won.

The ALP had some lame-o conference and now they think they're top shit. As if. I have to sit through stupid conferences all the time, It's part of my job, or something, and no one ever listens at those things. I always just sit there and write funny things on the table like "Crean has boobies!" with my white-out pen. Sometimes we even play Chinese Whispers. Once we played it in Parliament, and I started one which was, "John Anderson is a nong-face and he smells and is stupid and his phone doesn't work 'cause he lives in the country!" And it went all the way around, and then got to John, but he must've got it wrong 'cause he goes, "John Howard is a bong-face and you can tell he's stupid 'cause he lives in a smelly country!" And all the losers from Labor did that stupid "Here, here!" thing they do, so I yelled, "Yeah? Well so's ya mum!" And then the speaker banged that hammer thing and told us off.

Anyway, so the ALP are obviously not top-shit, they're like, bottom-shit. And Crean has boobies.

The chicks from Labor were also going on about all this gender quota stuff. If women want to get into politics, can't they just do it themselves? I mean, they go on and on about this "Glass Ceiling", but I've never seen one. Well, there is a skylight at Parliament House, but once Robert Hill, Rod Kemp and I hit out cricket ball up there, so I climbed up to get it, but the Parliament House people yelled at me. And I was like, "Hey, you can't yell at me, I'm the Prime Minister!" But they reckoned they could yell at me 'cause apparently I don't actually own Parliament House. They confiscated my Kanga Cricket Bat, too.

So yeah, it's just as hard for us guys to get though that skylight as it is for the chicks. Plus, I don't reckon I've ever even seen one of the women hit a cricket ball on the roof at Parliament House, anyway, so I don't know why they're complaining. Amanda Vanstone kicked her footy up there once when we were playing Markings-up, but I think the Parliament House people are afraid of her, so they let her climb up.

That loser Crean reckons that the Government's divided about having a War Levy. We're so not. I told them all today what we're gonna do, and everyone reckons it's a really cool idea. We're gonna have a Sausage Sizzle! It'll be out the front of Parliament House and it'll be totally wicked. Janette gave me this really funny apron that says "Kiss the PM" on it for Christmas, and now I'll get a chance to show it off! I hope no one else has one the same, though. We're even going to give all the food special "War on Iraq" related names. Like the "Slay Saddam Snags", and the "Bomb Baghdad Burgers". Eric Abetz wanted his own "Special Minister for State Souvlaki", but I told him it didn't really fit with the theme, and souvlakis sound too ethnic. I think they're from Africa, or something.

Janette says it'd be nice to invite the Greens, too, even though they're hippy losers and they smell, because they don't wash because they're hippies. I said they could, but we're not cooking them any tofu burgers, or whatever.

It seems we might have gone a little over budget last year. Only like, $100 million over what we'd predicted. It's not our fault. I mean, we had all those stupid refugees to deal with, and I don't think we've ever had any of those before. Though Nick Minchin reckons that most of that money might have been all my phone calls to the White House. As if. I reckon I only call about five or six times a day -- seven at most. How much can that cost?

Yesterday I had to go visit stupid Tony Blair in his stupid house in his stupid country. He thinks he's so cool, just cause he wrote some stupid "dossier". I'll write my own dossier. It'll be called the "Tony Blair Smells and is a Fart-Face" Dossier, and it'll rock over his.

Anyway, yesterday sucked, 'cause I had to pretend that I like him and he doesn't smell, see:



But in this picture, I'm really thinking, "Ew, I wonder where his hands have been...". And he's probably thinking, "Duh, I'm stupid. My country is full of depressed whingers and we are crap at cricket. I'm the leader of a stupid lefty party. If only I was John Howard, because he is so cool and George Bush obviously likes him better than me. Probably because I'm stupid."

I had to talk to him, too. Well, not really. He just blathered on about stuff, but I wasn't listening, and sometimes I'd go, "Yeah, totally..." Or, "Word, dude." And he just kept talking and stuff, but in my head I was making up a poem. It goes:

Tony Blair sucks
He looks like a duck
He also really smells
I wish he'd go to hell
Bush is wicked cool
Blair is a total tool
Let's go bomb Iraq
Because the people there are dark

Janette says it's really good and she stuck it up on the fridge.

Who does Robert Mugabe think he is? I mean, I sent him a perfectly nice invitation to that Commonwealth Meeting today, and he "objected" to it. All it said was:

"hey looozer, evn though we suspended u from the council this year, u can still come 2 our meeting if ure not totally chicken, which I bet u r, coz u smell and we all h8 u. but u can come anywayz".

He must just be totally over-sensative or something.

The meeting was heaps cool, though. There were these two other African Presidents there, Olus...olg..something and Tha..kbeie..whatever, and we just laughed at Mugabe for ages. Apparently everyone in Africa thinks he's a total dork. And we had to decide what to do about Zimbabwe, 'cause apparently it's pretty crap over there, which doesn't suprise me at all, 'cause Mugabe is such a der-face. I reckon we should just bomb it, 'cause then I could ask George Bush if he wanted to join in, and that'd be wicked.

That reminds me, I should go call George, just to make sure he still want us to come to Iraq. I'm sure he does, but... well, ok, I just want to talk to him again!

Man, that loser Saddam is going to ruin everything! Doesn't he realise that this war is one of the best chances that I've ever had for bonding with George Bush? George is finally paying attention to me. I mean, he called me up. On the phone. And it wasn't to tell me to stop calling him, either. And now Saddam thinks he can just stop this war from happening by letting in weapons inspectors? Not if I have anything to do with it...

Crean reckons that Labor probably won't back the war, too, unless the UN gives approval. Which they totally won't, 'cause the UN never want us to have any fun. They all suck. All of them. Why doesn't anyone want me to have friends? Janette says that she wants me to have friends and that she'll back the war. If only Janette were the head of the Opposition... But then, that'd kind of suck, too, 'cause then I wouldn't be able to throw things at them anymore. Or tease them. Or graffiti their cars. Or put kick me signs on their backs. Plus, the Opposition smells, it says so on the door of the men's urinal. So maybe it's better that she's not their leader.

I'm so not looking forward to this debate on Iraq. I mean, in public I've been all "hooray democracy!" about it, but honestly, democracy just holds you back. I wish we could just start this war. We can sit around arguing about it till the cows come home, or at least untill I get bored and tell everyone to shut up, but we all knows it's gonna happen, anyway.

Plus it's a really good thing for Australia. It'll be just like Afghanistan: We'll be killing lots of foreigners. Which is good, 'cause it means we can get rid of the Asylum Seekers before they even get a chance to leave their country. And the world's only gonna be safe when all nuclear and biological weapons are in the West's hands. Because we don't just go around bombing people willy-nilly.

Bob Brown reckons I shouldn't send troops to Iraq if I wouldn't go there myself. What a loser. I said, "Yeah? Well you shouldn't send troops to Iraq if you wouldn't go there!" And he goes, "Duh, nong-head, I wouldn't send troops there!" So I'm like, "Yeah, cause you're too much of a wuss to go there yourself, you big wuss!" And then I went and kicked a tree, and was like, "Ooh, look, I'm kicking a tree! Oh no, not the environment! What are you going to do Bobby?" And he goes, "Maybe I'll go kick George Bush!" Meanie. So I stuck out my tounge and walked away. Just 'cause he probably would kick George, and then George mightn't think I was cool. Janette says Bob Brown is a Nasty Pastie.

I better go call George to warn him just in case Bob Brown does go over and kick him. In fact, I might suggest that he strikes pre-emptively, just to be on the safe side. Maybe the army can take his legs, or something. Or at the very least, send someone to check his shoes and make sure they're not dangerous.

He called! He called!!!!!!!!!

George Bush called me on Saturday! On the phone! It was sooo cool! And he said we could join his war! And he called me 'buddy'!

BUT...

He did not invite me to Camp David. And Tony Blair got to go. I'll bet they did heaps of fun camp stuff, too, like canoeing, hiking and arts & crafts. Janette says I can go camping in Australia any time I want, but it's not the same.

Why would George want to go away with a Pom, anyway? They always whinge and talk about soccer. And even worse, why would he want to go away with a Labor Party politician? They always whinge and talk about 'equality'. Yeah right, if we're all supposed to be equal, then why do the English cricket team suck so much?

That's another reason why Poms are stupid: They're crap at cricket. And I mean, if they can't even win the Ashes, how do they expect to win a war? That's why George should really be concentrating more on Australia's involvement. I told him that, but he said, "A cricket? 'Aint that like a grasshopper?" I'm not sure, I've never heard of that game, but I told him they were probably similar, and that Australia was "happy to send as many of our grasshoppers to Iraq as he needs." That's when he said he had to go, because he was on a pay phone and he'd run out of money.

That was pretty nice of him to use up all his change to call me, though.

Simon Crean is so mean. He called me a "Lap dog" to the media, which Janette says is not a very nice thing to say about someone, so I called him a "Girly-man", so he called me a "Bum face", so I called him a "Stupid smelly loser, who's such a smelly loser that he doesn't even know he's a smelly loser. But he is.", so he said, "Yeah? Well at least I'm not bald!", so I pulled his hair, but he couldn't pull mine 'cause I don't have much (but Jannette says it makes me look 'distinguished', so nar-nar-ne-nar-nar, Stupid Simon).

Anyway, I'm such a cool rebel now. Well, George Bush and I both are. There's only one other developed nation that won't ratify that Kyoto thing, and that's the US. I've gotta say, I'm pretty proud. I mean, Australia doesn't usually come first (well, equal first) for much except the cricket, so this is truly a great day for our nation.

Well, Bob Brown says it isn't, but he would say that. Stupid hippy. I thought he would've got the picture that no one cares about his opinion when we wouldn't pay his air fare, but all that tofu and wheat-germ juice must've made him stupid or something. What am I saying, would anyone join a lame-o party like the Greens if they were smart? So anyway, he's all, "The environment... Greenhouse effect...I'm a stupid hippy...blah, blah, blah..." And I'm like, "Go hug a tree!" And he's all, "Go lock up some children!" So I'm like, "Talk to the hand, cause the face ain't listening!" (I heard that on Ricki Lake) And he's all, "Talk to the elbow cause it ain't worth the extension!" So I'm like, "You're a stupid hippy loser, no returns!" So he couldn't say anything back, 'cause it's the law (well, not yet, I couldn't get the 'No Returns' legislature through the Senate, but I'm going to try and tack it on to the new 'Shotgun' bill, which I think has a better chance.)

Janette says we have to have John Anderson over for dinner next week. He's so boring. He never wants to play on my computer, he just talks on and on about farming, and Janette says I have to do what he wants because he's the guest. But he'd be nothing without me. I mean, the only reason anyone takes the National Party seriously is because they're in the coalition, but secretly we're always laughing at them. Behind his back, instead of John Anderson, we say John "Bland-erson". Heh.

Stupid Tony Blair's trying to get us to ratify that stupid Kyoto thing. He's so stupid. I don't know why George Bush hangs out with him, I mean he's the head of the Labor Party for Christ's sake! And I don't know why he cares so much about Greenhouse gases, anyway. I don't even reckon he has a Greenhouse. Plus the weather in England's so crap they could probably do with a bit less ozone above them to let the sun in.

I don't care anyway, 'cause I'm not gonna back down. I mean, it's not like Global Warming is my fault. Janette even got a screen door put in out the front of Kirribilli, so we don't have to use those Aerosol cans anymore. Ok, so she mainly did it because I refuse to use Mortein. Louie the fly is totally an illegal immigrant. I mean, he sounds different, he looks different, and those flys just buzz in straight over the immigration queues, never bother to get a Visa, and then freeload off hard-working Australian citizens. And what's even worse, he also took an acting job away from a real Australian fly! Well, I told Janette, "No way, I will not use products from companies that house illegal immigrants!" And she told me not to speak to her like that and to say "Sorry". And I'm all, "I've told you about that word before..." So she put in the screen door, but I wasn't allowed to watch TV or go round to John Anderson's place to play Playstation for a whole week.

George Bush still hasn't asked us to join the war on Iraq. But I left a message at the White House saying he can have the entire population of Australia (except the Cabinet and me) Plus all the people in New Zealand, too. Not that I spoke to NZ about that, but most Americans can't tell the difference between us, anyway.

Everyone is soooo sick of the stupid Democrats. Why don't they just flip a coin? And the 'Gang of Four' think they're top shit, now. At lunch today, they were all wearing red bandanas and I think they've invented their own language or something, cause when I walked past where they were loitering, they yelled, "Yo, J, you aint all dat, be a short-assed fooool, a'ight?" Then they skate-boarded through the halls of Parliament House and spray painted 'Go4 RuLz' in the toilets and on Natasha Stot Despojas car.

So Pete Costello, Phil Ruddock, Alex Downer and I have started our own gang. We haven't named it yet, cause I want to call us the 'Lib Boyz', but Pete wants the 'Super-Cool Conservatives'. He says we should use his name, cause it's his cubby-house that we're using for our head quarters, but I reckon we should have mine, cause I'm the PM. Either way, we're gonna 'rumble' with the Gang of Four tomorrow. We don't have skate boards, but Alex has a Razor Scooter with light-up wheels he says we can take turns on. Wicked.

We had to vote about cloning today. I'm not sure about it, I mean, it could be used for really good things, like cloning me, for example, 'cause that would benefit the world heaps, but what if someone cloned a dickhead like Simon Crean or Tony Blair?

See, that's why I'm such a cool PM, because I take these things into consideration. Like the other day, the Salvos called up and asked if I had any clothes to donate. Now normally, I wouldn't give them anything, because they'd just go to people who are too lazy to work and buy clothes for themselves, and I have no sympathy for slackers like that. But then I realised that Janette would probably get a little annoyed if I didn't. Like when she made me give half my Lego to poor kids for Chirstmas, even though I couldn't see why the kids couldn't work and buy their own toys. So after a bit of consideration, I gave up a few of my old cardigans for those stinking, bludging, drains on the economy. For Janette's sake. I really am very considerate like that.

I called George Bush to see if he wanted to join my gang, but the White House people said that it's 'American Not Talking on the Phone Day' and hung up. I wonder if people give presents for that? Maybe I should send him something.

Happy Tampa Day!

The whole Cabinet came to the Lodge for a party to celebrate a year of offloading our problems onto small, developing countries and islands. Janette made fairy bread and a cake that had a map of Australia on it, and around the edge was an ocean made out of blue jelly, with little marzipan asylum seekers 'floating' in it. I got to eat Tasmania and a little foreign boy. Then we played Twister, except we had to stop when Joe Hockey couldn't get his right foot on yellow and he fell on Wilson Tuckey.

Of course, Labor and the Greens were whinging all day long. They're just jealous because they didn't come up with the Pacific Solution. It didn't matter, anyway, 'cause they weren't invited to the party. I'm going to bring my lolly-bag tomorrow, and eat it in front of Simon Crean just to make him even more jealous.

Though that one used to work better on Kim Beazley.

I went to Adelaide Uni today, but they all picked on me. They said it was 'cause of our policy on asylum seekers and the treatment of higher education, but I know it's just 'cause I'm short. I've been teased about my height my whole life. I even still get teased in Parliament, even though I told Pete Costello that it isn't funny anymore. But the students were even meaner, because they threw things at me. Actually, sometimes Pete does that, too, but only when when we have food fights during lunch. Yesterday, I threw my Vegimite Rivitas at Alex Downer and it went all over his shirt! Janette says I have to buy him a new one.

Brian Greig reckons he's top shit now he's the Dem's interim leader, and he struts around like he owns Parliament House. As if. I mean, I'm the leader of a real political party (everyone knows the Dems are just there to make the country look more democratic), and I'm the leader of a whole country. A really big one, too.

I called George Bush again today, but they said he was busy washing his tennis shoes. They said that yesterday, too. I pay someone to wash my Dunlop Volleys, but George likes doing things himself. I think that's why he's always too busy to talk to me.

So Natasha's gone. I don't care, I never liked her, anyway. She always teases me and she thinks she's so hot. Once she stuck a 'Kick Me' sign on my back, and no one told me for the whole day. And she's always making fun of my clothes. I could wear Doc Martin's to Parliament, too, only Janette says they're not practical.

Only, I hope Aden Ridgeway doesn't become the Dem's interim leader. This one time, his glasses got in the way of my foot and they got crushed, but it wasn't my fault, so I wouldn't say 'Sorry', I mean, they shouldn't have been under my foot in the first place. But he's hated me ever since. What is it with Aboriginals and that word?

Parliament started back today, so Janette bought me a new Powerpuff Girls pencil-case, a new Powerpuff Girls ruler, a new Powerpuff Girls pencil and a new Powerpuff Girls Folder! But she said my old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pens still worked, so I couldn't get new Powerpuff Girls ones.

The opposition kept hassling me to say something about Iraq, but I have said something: We wanna go, too! Kevin Rudd kept picking on me, though. He was all, "America had a hearing about it, why can't we?" And I was all, "Duh, Dipshit, that's the point. America already made the decision for us. I mean, George Bush is a smart guy, I don't think he'd start a war without a really good reason." And all the Libs laughed at him, and now we're calling him 'Rudd the dud'. I came up with that.

I called George Bush this evening, but they told me he was doing 'President stuff that I wouldn't understand about'. They tell me that a lot.

Guten Tag from Fiji! We're having heaps of fun over here, except everyone's hassling me about this Green House stuff. But I said no way, we're not going to get rid of our green houses. But they reckoned that it was about gas emissions and methane and stuff. I told them that the Labor Party probably generate the most methane and release the most gas in Australia, and I'd be happy to get rid of them. But they didn't seem satisfied. Man, nothing's ever good enough for these people.

Personally, I think I'm a shit-hot PM. I go jogging every day (you should see some of the fatties over here!), I make sure that all of those illegal foreigners get locked up, and I brought in the GST for Christ's sake! I mean, who isn't happy about that? But, no, everyone's a critic. It's all 'Kyoto' this, and 'Human Rights' that. Obviously some of the Prime Ministers and Presidents over here have never led a country, cause it's like, as if anyone listens to the UN. Once George Bush and I sat and read that Declaration of Human Rights and just pissed ourselves laughing for ages. Well, ok, we didn't exactly do that, but I totally reckon it's the kind of thing we would do.

I went to Papua New Guinea the other day. I took one look around and said to their PM, Mike Somare, "Man, if this is New Guinea, I'd hate to see Old Guinea!" I don't think he got it. He's pretty dense. When I met him, I said, "Aloha!" And he told me that's from Hawaii, not New Guinea. Hello? I'm the bloody Prime Minister of Australia! I had a quality western education, he probably didn't even go to school. I'm not even sure if they have schools in that country. So I think I might know just a little better than him.

I can't believe George Bush! He's already started sending over tanks and helicopters to the Middle East... without inviting us! Why am I always excluded? Like the other day, Dave Kemp, Rob Hill and Tony Abbott went and saw the Spiderman movie together, even though they'd promised to see it with me. Amanda Vanstone and Kay Patterson said I could come and see The Tracker with them, but it's about Aboriginals, and... y'know. I did go and see that Ali G film, but no one told me it had migrants in it! Still, I suppose as long as they're going to England and not coming here, it's ok.

Westside.

I'm so cool. I totally talked the Chinese into buying $25 billion worth of gas from Australia. Now everyone in the country must think I'm the shit. I am the shit. I beat Tony Blair and Megaw..something Sukarn..arytpuyo...whatever, the Indonesian woman. Ha! Wonder what George thinks of Tony now! I should remember to invite that Premier Zhu guy round for a beer with George and Queen Liz and not Tony. That'll show him.

It looks like the Democrats are up shit creek. Everyone thought Natasha was sooo cool wearing her Doc Martins and going on the Panel and everything, and that I was just this short guy with bushy eyebrows (which Janette reckons are sexy, anyway), but now look: Everyone in her party's leaving and everyone in my party says I'm cool. Well, they haven't exactly said it, but Alex Downer gave me half his Snickers yesterday.

I should go and call George to tell him about the gas. Well, I alread did, but the last four times I called he was in the shower. Maybe he's out now.

George still hasn't called. I left a message saying I was willing to bring back conscription if he needed more troops. Sometimes I think he looks down on me. Mainly cause I'm so short. He says he's only joking when he calls me 'Short-ass', though.

Why's everyone so up-in-arms about how much money I earn? I think they just don't realise how hard being a P.M. really is. I mean, Parliament is really boring. And I'm always getting told off by the speaker for hocking spit-balls at Crean. He deserves it, though, cause he's always bagging me to the press. But I'm gonna get him back real good. Tomorrow I'm sending out a press realease titled 'Crean's a Stupid Whiney LOSER!' And Pete Costello's gonna put a fart bomb in his office!

The US is gonna attack Iraq and I really, really, really hope George invites us to join! I left a few messages at the White House saying that he could have as many Australian troops as he wanted but he hasn't called back yet. Janette says he's probably just too busy leading the free world, and she's probably right, but he's supposed to be my best friend! He told me that he likes me better than Tony Blair, but I don't know, cause they're always doing stuff without telling me, like bombing countries in the Middle East or ordering in pizza.

At least I know the Queen likes me better than both of them. She told me that she reckon's Tony's a total prat. But still, she's kinda old, and it's more fun to hang with the boys.

Do those boat people ever stop coming? I'm so over it. Seeking asylum is sooo last year. And protesting? That was never cool. I told Bob Brown to stop his unwashed, dreadlocked, pierced, tree-hugging, hacky-sack playing, hippy Greens supporters from letting out all the prisoners from detention centres. He reckoned they weren't representatives of the Greens. So I called him a dickhead. So he said, "So' s ya Mum!". So I said, "Yeah? Well I'm the leader of an entire country, and you're just the leader of some stupid hippy party who probably thinks he's a revolutionary or something!". So he called me a fascist, right-winged, reactionary arsehole. So I said, "Well at least I don't live in Tasmania!"

I totally wrecked him.

The UN are soooo unfair. They let the US and China do whatever they want, and we stick a few lip-sewing, children overboard-throwing illegal boat people in detention centres, and suddenly I’m an incarnation of Satan or something. I mean, chill out, it’s not like most of them are ever going to get citizenship or refugee status in this country. Not if I can help it.

But now that bloody Justice Bhagwati reckons we’ve created a ‘great human tragedy’. Phil Ruddock reckons he’s still pissed-off with me for calling him Justice ‘Big-whiney’ at a UN conference a couple of years ago. I’ll bet he is. What a sook.

Speaking of sooks, Natash Stott Despoja’s still not speaking to me cause she reckons I was the one who wrote ‘Tash and the Democrats Sux 4 EVA’ in the toilets at Parliament House a few months ago. As if. Why would I bother going in to the female toilets in the upper house? Everyone knows it was Meg Lees. She even has the same thing written in white-out on her briefcase.

Whatever. Natasha thinks she’s so cool just cause she wears Doc Martin’s and short skirts to Parliament. Just wait. Janette bought me this ace new red tie with yellow smiley faces all over it. It’s wicked cool.

I called George Bush today, but some woman from the White House said he couldn’t talk cause he had to celebrate ‘International Super-cool Presidents Day’. I said I’d never heard of it, but she said that’s cause I’m not a president.

It sucks being a Prime Minister sometimes.