John Howard: Prime Minister

Shut up, Mike Scrafton. Children Overboard is sooo 2001. Like, I tell so many lies, as if I'm supposed to remember the details of just one lie that happened years ago. And now Labor are saying that I've lied 27 times, which is such crap. I've lied way more times than that. I mean, I lie at least once a day, and that's usually just when Alex Downer asks, "Does my bum look big in this?" Credit where credit's due, please. As if Australians care about lies, anyway. If they can pretend that Ian Thrope is straight, they can pretend a bunch of terrorists from some loser country chucked their kids out of a boat. How was I supposed to know what was on that video, anyway? It's not like I paid attention. I like videos about boats and the ocean and stuff, but that one was just crap. You know what was a good boat film? Pirates of the Caribbean. If there were more pirates in the children overboard thingo, I would've paid more attention. Also maybe if one of the terrorists on the boat was played by Johnny Depp. He's so dreamy... uh, I mean that in a totally heterosexual way, of course. Once we were playing pirates during lunch time at Parliament, and Mark Latham came up and wanted to play, and I was like, "Ok, you can be Captain Sook!" It was SO funny. Well, it was until he beat me up and stole all the Iced VoVos from my lunch box.

So I finally called the election today. Man, Democracy is such a hassle, it'd be so much easier if I could just be PM for ever and ever. Elections are so much work, too - kissing babies, making speeches, pretending you care about people and stuff. At least we can stop disguising our ads as public service announcements now, I guess. Even I am getting sick of those Medicare ones. I mean, we spent $22 million on them, and all they came up with was, "I. Hear. There. Have. Been. Changes. To. Medicare. What. Are. They." If I'd known they were just gonna get a boring drip to speak in a monotonous voice, I would've got Neil Andrew to do it for free.