John Howard: Prime Minister

A Chirstmas Letter from the Howards

Dear Friends, Family and National Party Politicians (Janette said I had to send you a copy of this, even though I didn't want to. No offence),

Wow, I can't believe it's been twelve months since this time last year.

I reckon when I think back on 2002, I'll remember it for all the Muslims, which, as we all know, is just a fancy-schmancy way of saying "Terrorists". I'd never even noticed them much before, well like, I had, 'cause they look different from me, so I used to laugh at them and stuff, but this is the first year I realised they were all harbouring weapons of mass destruction in their houses. So our first special Howard Family Christmas Prayer is for ASIO, because they've kept us safe from Muslims all year.

This year's been chockers with stuff to do, but of the coolest things I did was that CHOGM thingo. Well, stupid, ugly Tony Blair was there, and that sucked, but Queen Liz was also there, and what's cool about that is that 1) We're about the same height, 2) She's really old, and 3) She wears silly hats, so when I stand next to her, I look like I'm not so short, and also like I'm young and well-dressed. So our second very special Howard Family Christmas Prayer goes out to the British Monarchy, God Save the Queen and her pastel outfits, but not Prince William, 'cause he looks too young and tall standing next to me.

As you all probably know, I've spent a good part of this year hangin' with my mate, George Bush. We've done heaps of stuff together, like I showed him how to play Kanga Cricket, and he showed me how to ignore the UN. See that's multi-culturalism and racial harmony, Austalians and Americans getting on, not Australians and dole-bludging immigrants getting along. Anyway, it's been heaps cool, but it probably wouldn't have happened without the upcoming War on Iraq, so our third special Howard Family Christmas Prayer goes out to Gerorge Bush and the War on Iraq.

Janette reckons that this is the time of year to think about those who are less fortunate than ourselves, and there is one country that's really doing it tough, and I think we all know what country I'm talking about. It's a country with a total loser for a leader, a country where riots are happening all the time, and a country where many find it hard to even get a good meal. So this year, I ask you to put your thoughts out to that country, and give your own special Christmas Prayer for England. Trust me, they make me go there all the time, and you wouldn't believe how much that place sucks (unless you've been there, too, and then you probably would) - their PM Tony Blair is a total dropkick, everytime they try and play their version of "Football" (and they totally ripped that name off us) everyone watching gets all pissed off 'cause they all suck at sport (just check out their cricket team) and starts rioting in the streets, they eat something called "Spotted Dick", and on top of that, it rains all the time, like more than Tasmania, even. That kind of stuff's only supposed to happen to Third World Countries on the news, not Western Countries. So before you have your Christmas Turkey this year, spare a thought for the English, 'cause it's the Christian thing to do (and we are all Christians in this country, after all).

So we hope you all have a cool Christmas, unfortunately Santa's not going to be coming in Australia this year, 'cause Australian customs officials decided that the metal buckles on his boots could be used as weapons, so ASIO will be delivering any non-suspicious presents instead. But watch out, 'cause they're armed and they don't come down the chimney, they just break down your windows and doors.

Merry Christmas!

Yours Sincerely,

John and Janette Howard