Thursday, February 13, 2003

Oh Yeah! I'm The Man! Well no, I guess George Bush is The Man, but I'm definitely... a Man. Anyway, George said all this nice stuff about me in the media, like how we're really good mates, and how he thinks I'm tops and really smart, and how he wishes that he could move to Australia so he could see me more often. Well, ok, maybe not that last part, but I'll bet he does. He asked if there was anywhere I wanted to go while I was there, and I said Sesame Street, but he said he'd been searching for ages, and he still doesn't know where it is. So I didn't get to meet any funny-looking muppets, but I came close, 'cause then I had to go to England and hang to with Tony Bum-Face Blair (I'm not sure if that's his real middle name, but I reckon it should be). He's so boring. Like, he only wanted to talk about politics, and not only that, he actually laughed at me about one of Australia's biggest tragedies since Goff Whitlam was elected. That's right, he laughed about Shane Warne getting kicked out of the cricket for using drugs. So I was like, "Yeah? Well.... you suck!" And then I went and wrote "Tony Blair is as stupid! Australia Rulz!" on the bathroom wall of their Parliament. They'll never know that I did it, either, because I wrote "From Stupid Simon Crean" underneath, so he'll get the blame!

Today I had to meet with Megawa... uh, that Mega Indonesian chick (who's not really that "Mega", by the way. I mean, she's a little pudgy, but I'd say more "Rotund" than "Mega"), and she totally tried to make me look like a loser! She was making this speech, and she goes, "Both Indonesia and Australia are hoping to find a peaceful resolution for Iraq." And I'm like, "Are not!" Imagine George had've seen that, he'd reckon that I'm totally uncool. I don't want peace, how boring would that be? This war stuff's great, I get to hang out with George, I'm on TV all the time (and not just on Question Time, 'cause seriously, who watches that, anyway? I don't even listen to what's going on in Parliament, and that's my job!), and it's a really good excuse to make fun of people who look different to me, like Saddam Hussein, 'cause he has a moustache, and I don't, and who knows what weapons those Terrorists are hiding in their facial hair...

Sunday, February 09, 2003

So I'm about to go on this totally big tour to America to hang out with George and his mates Donald and Colon (Simon Crean laughed at Colon's name, but I don't get it. He's probably just jealous that Colon doesn't want to hang out with him, 'cause he's such a nong. Simon, I mean, not Colon)! It's this heaps big deal, though, like I get a private dinner and a private meeting (and "private" means that Tony Blair won't be there). It's gonna be like being a rock star on tour, only I don't get to wear leather pants or trash hotel rooms (though once I was in a hotel, and I ate a fun-sized Snickers from the mini-bar and I chucked the wrapper on the floor! It was soooo funny! I'm surprised it didn't cause more of a scandal at the time).

The not-so-cool part of the tour, though, is hanging out with the losers from the UN, and pretending that I even want them in our war. Coffee's such a square, and he always make me talk about boring stuff like politics. Maybe I should bring my Gameboy and Pokemon cards so I have something to do while he yammers on about anything that isn't to do with bombs getting dropped on those Terrorists in Iraq. I mean, what could he talk to me about? I'm the one who's stopped Terrorism in Australia with my pre-emptive sending out of Terrorist Kits. Australia's leading the World in making and sending out anti-Terrorist Fridge Magnets, and we're clearly the most alert, but least alarmed, country around.

And I reckon we could become even more alert and even less alarmed, too. Like if Australians started carrying fridges with them wherever they go. Maybe just a bar fridge, or even an esky ('cause after all, we have to preserve the Australian way of life), but something where people can put up their anti-Terrorist Fridge Magnets, and be safe all day long. Think about it, not only would you be safe from Terrorists at work, but you could also keep your lunch nice and cold, too. And even if for some reason the Fridge Magnet wasn't keeping Terrorists away, you could always just throw your fridge at them.

It's all part of being alert but not alarmed. I don't want real Australians to have to change how they live, just because Foreign people suck, I just want them to do the responsible thing by their country by hauling a Kelvinator around with them all day.