John Howard: Prime Minister

Why is Pauline Hanson getting so much attention all of a sudden? She is so 1996. Ok, so like, she got out of prison. Woo hoo. It's not like she's, oh I dunno.... THE BLOODY PRIME MINISTER. Geeze Louise, I run this whole country, and all she does is sit in prison for a few months. As if that's so special or something. I mean, Aboriginals sit in prison all the time. I SIT IN BLOODY PARLIAMENT HOUSE. Do you see any Aboriginals in Parliament House? Well... sometimes, I guess, but they're never the Prime Minister. Pauline Hanson is just useless now. We took over most of her policies, except we're better at them, 'cause when they were hers they were "Racist", but now they're ours they're "Necessary". The difference is that she's a total bogan with a stupid voice, and I'm totally cultured and stuff. Like, I have a law degree, while she has a fish 'n chip shop. Not that fish 'n chips aren't awesome or anything, but lawyers are awesomer. Lawyers get cool wigs and lots of money, while people who own fish 'n chip shops get greasy aprons and ten cents for a little packet of tartar sauce (which I reckon is a total rip-off, by the way, but still wouldn't earn her that much money).

So, given that I am clearly waaaaaay cooler than Pauline Hanson, why won't anyone pay attention to ME? There were even boat people this week! That's normally gold! I have it down to an art: They come over in some dodgy boat, I say they're stupid and that they want to steal all our money and jobs, we stick them on an island, and I win the next election. But Pauline is ruining the whole system. It's bad enough that I have to compete with the contestants on Australian Idol for media attention, but stupid dumb Pauline is really making it hard on me. Doesn't she realise that I have an election coming up?

Janette says that she still thinks I'm special, but that won't win me the next election. Well, not unless I can somehow take democracy out of our elections like George Bush did. Actually, as usual, he was right on the money with that one. 'Cause like, he didn't let anyone who even may be a criminal vote, and by "criminal" he meant "black". And this country is chockers with black people. And most of them don't really like me (which is good, 'cause I don't like them either). For real, if I could stop all "criminals" in this country from voting, then I'd be sweet. Well, obviously I'd still let rich criminals who commit tax evasion and fraud and stuff vote, 'cause they like me. I'd just exclude black "criminals". And then, if I still didn't get in, I could just take another page out of George's book, take it to the courts, and get in anyway. I reckon they'd go it, 'cause if the courts let Pauline Hanson out of jail so close to the next election, they're clearly total spazzes.

Of course, 'cause Simon Crean's such a dick and everyone hates him, I'll probably win anyway and won't have to do any of that stuff. But I bet I don't even get a run in the paper. I bet they'll be too concerned with who wins Australian Idol. Speaking of which, why are they even bothering with the competition anymore? Like, it's a white guy versus a black guy. As if Australians are gonna vote for a criminal.