John Howard: Prime Minister

A Christmas Letter from the Howards

Dear friends, family, and Coalition of the Willing™ members,

When I think back on 2003, one word immediately comes to mind: Democracy. I reckon 2003 was absolutely chockers with democracy. We fully had democracy coming out of our ears. So I'd just like to look back at some of the democratic things that happened this year:

First off, I invented Anti-Terrorist Fridge Magnets. Australian fridges are now so democratic it hurts. And they totally worked, ‘cause Australia hasn’t been attacked once by Terrorists. Plus, fridge-magnets are heaps non-violent, which makes me look good. They reckon that Ghandi guy was some sort of hero of non-violent resistance, but I’ll go down in history as the bloke that single-handedly stopped Terrorism in Australia. I don’t wear a nappy like he did, either, ‘cause Janette reckons that I’m a big boy and I don’t need them.

But of course, non-violence isn’t as fun as blowing stuff up and playing with guns, so we had a war, too. And I reckon it has to have been one of the best wars since the Cola Wars of the 1980s. There was this place called Iraq in this country called the Middle East in this city called the Axis of Evil and everyone there was a terrorist, and so George Bush had this rad idea to go and “Democracise” the place. So we went in and dropped bombs and stuff and now they’re free to do democratic things like eating McDonalds and playing cricket and being Christians. We democracised Iraq good.

Then, when Australians thought things couldn’t get any more democratic, two of the most democratic blokes in the whole universe, George Bush and Hu Jintao, came from their democracy to our democracy and things got so democratic that Australia was like … a really democratic place. Their countries are so democratic that neither of them even had to win elections to become leader. I reckon that’s really something that Australia should aspire to. Of course, 'cause they're dickhead communists, the Greens tried to pick on George and Hu, but I was all, "Not in my democracy!" And they got sent into "time out" for talking out of turn. Being allowed to say what you think is totally un-democratic.

Another score for democracy was made when these Kurdish terrorists tried to get into Australia, but with the combined democratic power of our Anti-Terrorist Fridge Magnets, and by shifting them off to Indonesia, we protected our democracy from their democracy-hating ways and told them to get nicked. Maybe next year we can democracise Kurd.

Finally, we found Saddam Hussein in a hole going, "No! No Democracy! Keep democracy out of here!" But we were all, "Uh-uh, we're bringing democracy into that hole whether you like it or not!" So American troops went in there and gave Saddam the most democratic shave he's ever had in his life. And now he's going to get a trial so democratic he'll wish he was never born a Terrorist. He was all, "Nooo, send me to Guantanimo Bay! Please! Just no democratic trial!" Well... he probably was. But we'll learn him.

There really has been more democracy than you can poke a stick at this year. Go democracy, it’s your birthday.

Have a gnarly Christmas and a democratic New Year,

Yours Sincerely,

John and Janette Howard