John Howard: Prime Minister

Asia is such a stupid country. It's not like I dropped a bomb on them, or anything, I just said that I probably would if I thought they were going to drop one on us, or if they looked at me funny. They're like, "You better take it back!" And I'm like, "Why don't you take it back?" And they're like, "Take what back?" And I'm like, "Exactly". Ok, so that conversation hasn't exactly happened yet but if I have to meet that spaz Dr Mahathir, or whoever the President of Asia is, it totally will. And then everyone'll laugh at Asians and no one will care if we bomb them or not.

I don't know why everyone's so down on the Detention Centre at Christmas Island. I've never been there, but I've always reckoned it'd be all sleigh-rides, and little elves and presents and carolling and stuff. So what do those bloody ungrateful Terrorists do? Start a riot! Weren't they getting enough Christmas Pudding, or something? So now everyone's all, "Oooh, riots, ooh, we've gotta close it down!"

Well, if they reckon they're gonna get to go to Easter Island in April now, they've got another thing coming...