Simon Crean is so mean. He called me a "Lap dog" to the media, which Janette says is not a very nice thing to say about someone, so I called him a "Girly-man", so he called me a "Bum face", so I called him a "Stupid smelly loser, who's such a smelly loser that he doesn't even know he's a smelly loser. But he is.", so he said, "Yeah? Well at least I'm not bald!", so I pulled his hair, but he couldn't pull mine 'cause I don't have much (but Jannette says it makes me look 'distinguished', so nar-nar-ne-nar-nar, Stupid Simon).

Anyway, I'm such a cool rebel now. Well, George Bush and I both are. There's only one other developed nation that won't ratify that Kyoto thing, and that's the US. I've gotta say, I'm pretty proud. I mean, Australia doesn't usually come first (well, equal first) for much except the cricket, so this is truly a great day for our nation.

Well, Bob Brown says it isn't, but he would say that. Stupid hippy. I thought he would've got the picture that no one cares about his opinion when we wouldn't pay his air fare, but all that tofu and wheat-germ juice must've made him stupid or something. What am I saying, would anyone join a lame-o party like the Greens if they were smart? So anyway, he's all, "The environment... Greenhouse effect...I'm a stupid hippy...blah, blah, blah..." And I'm like, "Go hug a tree!" And he's all, "Go lock up some children!" So I'm like, "Talk to the hand, cause the face ain't listening!" (I heard that on Ricki Lake) And he's all, "Talk to the elbow cause it ain't worth the extension!" So I'm like, "You're a stupid hippy loser, no returns!" So he couldn't say anything back, 'cause it's the law (well, not yet, I couldn't get the 'No Returns' legislature through the Senate, but I'm going to try and tack it on to the new 'Shotgun' bill, which I think has a better chance.)

Janette says we have to have John Anderson over for dinner next week. He's so boring. He never wants to play on my computer, he just talks on and on about farming, and Janette says I have to do what he wants because he's the guest. But he'd be nothing without me. I mean, the only reason anyone takes the National Party seriously is because they're in the coalition, but secretly we're always laughing at them. Behind his back, instead of John Anderson, we say John "Bland-erson". Heh.

Stupid Tony Blair's trying to get us to ratify that stupid Kyoto thing. He's so stupid. I don't know why George Bush hangs out with him, I mean he's the head of the Labor Party for Christ's sake! And I don't know why he cares so much about Greenhouse gases, anyway. I don't even reckon he has a Greenhouse. Plus the weather in England's so crap they could probably do with a bit less ozone above them to let the sun in.

I don't care anyway, 'cause I'm not gonna back down. I mean, it's not like Global Warming is my fault. Janette even got a screen door put in out the front of Kirribilli, so we don't have to use those Aerosol cans anymore. Ok, so she mainly did it because I refuse to use Mortein. Louie the fly is totally an illegal immigrant. I mean, he sounds different, he looks different, and those flys just buzz in straight over the immigration queues, never bother to get a Visa, and then freeload off hard-working Australian citizens. And what's even worse, he also took an acting job away from a real Australian fly! Well, I told Janette, "No way, I will not use products from companies that house illegal immigrants!" And she told me not to speak to her like that and to say "Sorry". And I'm all, "I've told you about that word before..." So she put in the screen door, but I wasn't allowed to watch TV or go round to John Anderson's place to play Playstation for a whole week.

George Bush still hasn't asked us to join the war on Iraq. But I left a message at the White House saying he can have the entire population of Australia (except the Cabinet and me) Plus all the people in New Zealand, too. Not that I spoke to NZ about that, but most Americans can't tell the difference between us, anyway.