John Howard: Prime Minister

Simon Crean has "challenged" me to adopt Labor's stupid lefty policy on war against Iraq. What a lame-o. Does he even get that I'm a Liberal? Why would I want a Labor policy? And it's not like I can't come up with my own policies. 'Cause I can. Like my new policy that everyone has to refer to Simon Crean as "Butt-face" for a whole day. I told him that and he's all, "Yeah? Well I challenge you to take on my new policy of everyone calling you "Stupid-Face McStupid" for a whole day, you stupid-face!" So I'm like, "As if! I'm not stupid or Scottish!" And he's like, "What? Are you chicken?" Which is totally not cool, 'cause everyone knows I'm soooo not a chicken, but then he starts clucking and stuff and all his stupid Labor Party friends come up and they're all, "Chicken! Cluck-cluck! Johnny's a chicken!!" So I couldn't let them get away with that, and I agreed to take up Crean's stupid "Stupid-Face McStupid" policy, so that's what everyone was calling me today. But they couldn't call me a Chicken.

I feel so dirty. I can't believe I shook hands with a Green! I didn't want to, but Janette said that it was the nice thing to do 'cause it was Michael Organ's first day, and to remember how I felt when I was new and everyone laughed at me and called me "Short-arse". But that's stupid, 'cause they still call me that, and everyone says they're just joking. But everyone knows that Greens don't wash, 'cause they're hippies. Kay Patterson reckons I have "Greeny Germs" now. I said that it's not as bad as having "Girl Germs", but then she hit me and gave me them, too.

So now I'm a female hippy called Stupid-Face Mcstupid. It's hard being a PM sometimes.