Saturday, September 18, 2004

So now that I'm like, against logging or something, I'm totally green and stuff. Ha, take THAT, Greens. I'm greener than the Greens. I'm so green that if I was sitting in the House of Reps right now, you wouldn't even be able to tell the difference between me and the chairs. I'm so green that I ate ALL my broccoli and silver beat at dinner last night... though that was mainly because Janette said that if I didn't, she wouldn't let me listen to John Laws for a whole week. I'm so green that when I saw a Wilderness Society koala yesterday, I didn't kick it OR yell naughty words at it. Because koalas are an endangered species, and Wilderness Society koalas are probably even MORE endangered, 'cause they don't even have them in zoos, or anything, and they're always asking for money, so they're probably all dying from starvation and poverty and stuff. See? I'm so green that I care about koalas. Well, I don't care about the koalas themselves, I guess, but I care about the votes I can steal from the Nazi Communist Greens by pretending I do, and that's almost the same thing.

But now Stupid Mark Latham is trying to be even more green than me by saying he'll fill up some river. Whatever, Mark. Like, rivers are blue. Well, this one is kind of brown. It isn't green like me, though. Besides, I can so fill a river better than him. People are all down on global warming and stuff, but duh, when water levels rise, then ALL the rivers will be full. It'll probably wipe out those pesky terrorist jails on Nauru and Christmas Island, too. Now THAT is sustainability. I watched Captain Planet, I know about the environment. If things go wrong, we can just go to Hope Island and find Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, and she'll fix things. Gaia was totally hot, too.

And people say I don't care about the environment. Sigh. It's not easy being green.

Monday, September 13, 2004

Ugh, I had to do that stupid debate with Mark Latham today. I forget how boring politics can be sometimes. Like, in Parliament I only have to get up and speak every so often, and the rest of the time I can just sit back and play snake on my mobile, or draw biro tattoos on my arm or whatever. But one hour of discussing politics without even getting ad breaks? Yawn. Mark kept using all these dorkus catch phrases, like "ease the squeeze". I've watched Burgo's Catchphrase, too, y'know, and I can make up catch phrases that'll have the ALP totally spewing. Just wait until my "Look 'em in the eye, and tell 'em a lie" and "Join the push to support George W. Bush" campaigns are unveiled. Not to mention the equally catchy "Mark Latham is a stupid loser, and everyone hates him because he's stupid and he smells, and I'm cool and he drools" initiative. The debate was also crap 'cause they had this stupid panel of journalists asking us questions. It was such a hassle 'cause it meant that I had to twist things around to what I wanted to talk about all the time. And like, the only proper journo on the panel was Neil Mitchell, anyway. At least they didn't have that der-brain Kerry O'Brien there, ruining a quality program like 60 Minutes with his stupid left-wing bias.

Speaking of stupid lefties, what's with people suddenly caring about those far out crazy communist Greens? Their policies are just gosh darn kooky! Not only do they want us to give our kids ecstasy, ride bikes everywhere, and all become emaciated vegos, they ALSO want us to perform regular ritual sacrifices of virgins, make nudity compulsory, and tar and feather anyone who's ever even stepped on an ant. That's what Alex Downer said his wife's best friend's hairdresser's plumber read on the internet, anyway. They're totally nuts. I guess that's what happens when you don't eat meat, and spend all day smoking weed and playing hacky-sack, though. Once during lunchtime at Parliament, we were playing cricket against some of the minor party members, and Bob Brown goes, "If it hits a tree, do you have to catch it with one hand?" And I was like, "But if it hits the tree, won't you wanna go and hug and kiss the tree better?" And he goes, "I dunno, John. What are you gonna do if it hits a Bush?" So I was like, "Yeah? Well... ya mum!" Ha, I totally burnt him hardcore. See, that's why I own the whole country, and he has to live in Tasmania.