John Howard: Prime Minister

So the ALP think they can beat "Medicare Plus" with "Medicare Gold", but just wait until WE unveil "Medicare II: Electric Boogaloo". That'll learn 'em. And if they try and beat that, then we'll just have to bring out the big guns - "Super Medicare Mega Ultra Pro XP Times Infinity Plus One And No Returns". Let's see Mark Latham ease the squeeze on THAT. Labor's plan is lame anyway. Like, what's the point in giving free health care to old people? They're just going to die anyway, and dead people don't vote. It'd be better to give free health care to rich, young people. 'Cause rich people actually pay taxes, so tax money should be spent on them. Poor people don't pay, so they shouldn't get anything back. That's fair, and Australia is an egalitarian country, after all. Plus like, if more poor people die, then Australia will be a richer country. Now THAT is an economic plan. I wasn't the treasurer for over five years for nothing, you know.

I'm getting so over people coming up and asking me, "When are you gonna go on Rove?" As if I would. It's on past my bedtime, anyway, but Janette says that Rove boy is a nasty pastie, and that if I went on his show he'd be mean to me. I don't trust Channel Ten, anyway. I trust Packer and Stokes, but who knows what goes on at that network? They're even letting gay homosexuals kiss on "Neighbours", now. I remember when that show was decent, but it totally jumped the shark when Bouncer died. Now Channel Nine, there is a network I'll appear on. "60 Minutes", "A Current Affair", "Mornings With Kerri-Anne"... I'd even go on "Dr Phil". Actually, Dr Phil is heaps rad. I applied to have us be one of those "Dr Phil Families", but they said we didn't have enough problems, or something. But that's totally wrong, 'cause like, Janette is always telling me off for playing too much X-Box, or being naughty in Parliament. Melanie, Tim and Richard can be totally out of control, too. Like once Tim didn't wear a tie with his suit to a Young Libs function! We were sooo embarrassed! And there was Melanie's wild years, when she started wearing nail polish, and once even said the word "crap". I was like, "Uh-maaah, I'm telling!" And I dobbed on her to Janette. So we could totally be a Dr Phil Family.