John Howard: Prime Minister

Hooray, George is back! I mean, I guess I knew no one in America was gonna vote for a spaz-head like Kerry, but it's still totally exciting. Plus now getting re-elected this year is another thing we have in common. Sometimes I just can't believe how alike George and I are, like how we're both blokes, and how we're both conservative, and how we're both white, and both Christians... I mean, what are the odds of two people with those characteristics both ending up running countries? That's how I know George and I have a special friendship, and that it was meant to be. I mean, obviously we can't always spend that much time together, and sometimes he doesn't return my phone calls, and sometimes he plays this game where he pretends to forget my name, but I understand that's just 'cause he's heaps busy saving the world. Our relationship is just so close that I understand that while he can't always be there for me, he still cares. See, George is like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Like, in every generation, there is a chosen one. He alone will stand against the terrorists, the lefties and the forces of darkness. He is the President. And I'm like Angel. He's ALSO off fighting badies, but Buffy is usually too busy to hang out with him and so he lives somewhere different, but Angel understands that, and they still get it on every time they see each other. It's totally the same with George and me. Well, George isn't a chick, and I'm not a vampire, and we don't get it on, but apart from that, it's like they've put our lives on TV.

Parliament's back. Normally I love it, but 'cause of the election, all the new kids have arrived and they're SUCH attention seekers. Like, everyone thinks Malcolm Turnbull is so cool, and everyone wants to be his friend, and they give him bits of their lunches, and it's all "Malcolm this" and "Malcolm that". He's such a show-off. He turns up every day with a new suit and he has a whole new set of Derwents and a Yu Gi Oh pencil case. Janette said there was nothing wrong with my old Faber Castels and Powerpuff Girls pencil case and that no one else would care what kind of stationery I was using. Clearly Janette knows nothing about politics. Pete Costello has a whole SpongeBob SquarePants stationery set, and now he and Malcolm hang out together every lunchtime. It's not fair. I'm the PM, everyone should want to hang out with ME. Ian Macdonald said he thought my pencil case was really "neat". My life is over.

Speaking about lives being over, abortion is nasty and wrong. 'Cause like, killing is bad and stuff. People are saying we shouldn't be telling chicks what to do, but that's news to me, 'cause I thought the idea of being in Government was that we tell people what they can and can't do. And I reckon they shouldn't be killing. It's un-Australian. In totally unrelated news, the troops in Iraq have now gone full-on hardcore sick on this one city. They're just totally shooting and bombing the crap out of it. I like watching all the explosions and things blowing up on TV. It's like a movie, but real. I love seeing good triumph over evil.