John Howard: Prime Minister

Pfft, I wish the PC crowd would just lighten up. Firstly, Johnny Brogden makes a hilarious joke about stupid Bob Carr's foreign wife by calling her a "mail order bride" - which is FUNNY, because she's FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY and also because Bob Carr is ugly and would probably have to pay a woman to go near him - then people get all offended by it, so he had to quit and then, because a life without the Liberal Party isn't a life worth living, he tried to kill himself. THEN Tony Abbott made a hilarious joke about THAT, saying that we'd be as "dead as a former Liberal leader's political prospects" if we did something wrong, which is ALSO funny, because he quit, but also because he tried to kill himself, so he would've been DEAD. Get it? DEAD. That is funny. You'd think people would be grateful for the contribution the Libs are making to Australian comedy, given most Australian comedians spend all their time making fun of me, which isn't even funny because I always have to ask Janette to explain the jokes to me and she says not to worry because Wil Anderson is just a mean bean and what am I doing up so late on a work night anyway and that I know better than to watch the ABC because it'll just upset me.

Maybe if I ever retire (and that was "IF", Peter) I could go into comedy. I'm heaps funny. My unique style of political comedy kills at Liberal Party functions. Like: What would you get if you crossed Kim Beazley with Amanda Vanstone? Someone who's really fat! (Amanda beat me up for that one, but it was so worth it) Or: Why did the lefty cross the road? Because they're so dumb they didn't know to wait at the crossing until someone responsible came along to hold their hand and make sure they looked both ways!

Comedy. Gold.

As long as the PC narcs don't start hassling ME. 'Cause I have some great New Orleans jokes saved up for Question Time tomorrow.

So we've started forcing schools to teach values like care and compassion, freedom, honesty and trustworthiness, integrity, respect, responsibility, understanding, tolerance and inclusion. I reckon this is really important, 'cause this way we can weed out any suckers who actually believe in that stuff when they're still young and before they join the Liberal Party. The last thing we need is another Petro Georgiou spouting hippy crap to the media and betraying everything the Liberals stand for.