Friday, November 29, 2002

Foreigners are so lame for not believing in Santa. Like, don't they watch TV, or something? But apparently now all these childcare centres are gonna "ban" Santa, just so they don't piss off little foreign kids. Probably little foreign Terrorist kids. That'd be right: Terrorists trying to wreck Christmas. But they're not gonna get away with it, 'cause I wrote this letter to Santa:

Dear Santa,

My name is John and I've been a good boy all year. Well, except for that time I tried to dack Simon Crean during Parliament, but he totally asked for that, 'cause he was bagging my Government, and then he's all, "But it's my job! I'm the opposition leader!" And I'm like, "Whatever. Oppose this..." And then I tried to pull his pants down, but the speaker yelled at me and banged that hammer-thing, so I said I was sorry, but I wasn't really, 'cause I had my fingers crossed behind my back.

Anyway, here are the things I want for Christmas this year:

  • All foreigners (and that includes Aborigines) out of my country. Especially Terrorists, because apparently they don't like you. Or me;
  • To be a bit taller;
  • A t-shirt that says "Liberals Do It With Conservatism" written on it;
  • George Bush to realise that Tony Blair is stupid, and for everyone to start calling him "Tony The Stupid Der-Brain Loser Who's Really Ugly And Stupid", or something like that;
  • The Neighbours: Defining Moments DVD. That show's so great, because everyone's an Anglo-Saxon, just like in real life;
  • For Australia and America to be closer together. Geographically, I mean. But not too close, we still have to be "girt by sea", 'cause it says so in the National Anthem. Maybe if we were just close enough to have a bridge between us. That'd be really cool, and Tony the Stupid Der-Brain Loser Who's Really Ugly And Stupid would be heaps jealous;
  • To finally start this war against Iraq -- I'm sick of waiting! Sometimes I get out my G.I. Joe's and make-believe that they're bombing Iraq, instead of just dropping fruit on the kitchen floor, which is what they're really doing, but it's not the same as the real thing. Plus, Janette says it's a waste of fruit;
  • Stupid Lefties, like the Greens and Socialist Alliance, to stop whinging and cut their hair, or move to Cuba;
  • All Unions abolished, or at least for all the Unions to stop yelling those stupid rhyming chants, especially in May, when they seem to do it more often for some reason;
  • A Playstation 2.

Be carefull when you're delivering stuff in Ausralia, though, because you probably don't have a Visa, and you might get chucked in a detention centre. And watch where you put some presents, 'cause ASIO might get a little suspicious if they see a man with a long beard leaving small, unguarded packages everywhere.

Thanks in advance,

John W. Howard

P.S. I'll leave you out some Vita-Wheats with Vegemite on them.Vegemite's really good for breakfast, lunch and tea, only Janette won't usually let me have it for tea.