John Howard: Prime Minister

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The Coalition is in da house... Parliament House! I am now officially the greatest PM in the history of the universe! I kicked so much arse in the election, and I reckon that I'm just gonna be PM for ever and ever and ever. Even when I'm dead, Australians will elect my corpse over the Australian Loser Party, 'cause they will know that my corpse has a proven track record and that it will keep interest rates low. Speaking of which, that was one of the best parts of this election. I reckon that the whole interest rate thing really showed how heaps smart Australians are. 'Cause like, even though every economist in the country said that they wouldn't rise under the Loser Party, Aussies were smart enough to listen to me instead. That's 'cause Australians know I'm honest and reliable and stuff.

Another great part of the election was the forest thing. I was all, "Ooh, I care about trees now." So Mark went, "Yeah? Well I care about trees even MORE! I love trees. I want to have babies with them." And then I went "Ha! Psych! I don't care about trees at ALL, you hippy." And all the people in Tasmania realised that I'm cool and Mark drools.

It was also funny seeing how everyone hates the Democrats now. Andrew Bartlett is such a lame goth, I bet he's at home right now drawing tears on his face with an eye pencil and listening to his Mandy Kane albums and being all "Woe is me". Yes Andrew, woe IS you. Andrew is totally woe.

It's a bit sad that Ross Cameron isn't gonna be around any more. He'd always come into Parliament on a Monday with the wildest stories about his Saturday nights. Rosso is a total stud. And also, y'know, a good family man, and stuff.

So here's to another three years of Coalition fun. I totally rule. Literally.