Guten Tag from Fiji! We're having heaps of fun over here, except everyone's hassling me about this Green House stuff. But I said no way, we're not going to get rid of our green houses. But they reckoned that it was about gas emissions and methane and stuff. I told them that the Labor Party probably generate the most methane and release the most gas in Australia, and I'd be happy to get rid of them. But they didn't seem satisfied. Man, nothing's ever good enough for these people.

Personally, I think I'm a shit-hot PM. I go jogging every day (you should see some of the fatties over here!), I make sure that all of those illegal foreigners get locked up, and I brought in the GST for Christ's sake! I mean, who isn't happy about that? But, no, everyone's a critic. It's all 'Kyoto' this, and 'Human Rights' that. Obviously some of the Prime Ministers and Presidents over here have never led a country, cause it's like, as if anyone listens to the UN. Once George Bush and I sat and read that Declaration of Human Rights and just pissed ourselves laughing for ages. Well, ok, we didn't exactly do that, but I totally reckon it's the kind of thing we would do.

I went to Papua New Guinea the other day. I took one look around and said to their PM, Mike Somare, "Man, if this is New Guinea, I'd hate to see Old Guinea!" I don't think he got it. He's pretty dense. When I met him, I said, "Aloha!" And he told me that's from Hawaii, not New Guinea. Hello? I'm the bloody Prime Minister of Australia! I had a quality western education, he probably didn't even go to school. I'm not even sure if they have schools in that country. So I think I might know just a little better than him.

I can't believe George Bush! He's already started sending over tanks and helicopters to the Middle East... without inviting us! Why am I always excluded? Like the other day, Dave Kemp, Rob Hill and Tony Abbott went and saw the Spiderman movie together, even though they'd promised to see it with me. Amanda Vanstone and Kay Patterson said I could come and see The Tracker with them, but it's about Aboriginals, and... y'know. I did go and see that Ali G film, but no one told me it had migrants in it! Still, I suppose as long as they're going to England and not coming here, it's ok.

Westside.

I'm so cool. I totally talked the Chinese into buying $25 billion worth of gas from Australia. Now everyone in the country must think I'm the shit. I am the shit. I beat Tony Blair and Megaw..something Sukarn..arytpuyo...whatever, the Indonesian woman. Ha! Wonder what George thinks of Tony now! I should remember to invite that Premier Zhu guy round for a beer with George and Queen Liz and not Tony. That'll show him.

It looks like the Democrats are up shit creek. Everyone thought Natasha was sooo cool wearing her Doc Martins and going on the Panel and everything, and that I was just this short guy with bushy eyebrows (which Janette reckons are sexy, anyway), but now look: Everyone in her party's leaving and everyone in my party says I'm cool. Well, they haven't exactly said it, but Alex Downer gave me half his Snickers yesterday.

I should go and call George to tell him about the gas. Well, I alread did, but the last four times I called he was in the shower. Maybe he's out now.