John Howard: Prime Minister

So I’m back. When I stopped writing this diary, things were going so well, ‘cause fat old Kim was such a fat loser and everyone loved me because I go jogging and am fit and stuff and everyone had jobs and were digging the war in Iraq. But now, that geek Kevin Rudd is more popular than me and I can’t work out why! I mean, I have glasses, I have a big moon face, I’m short, I wear natty suits and ties, so why does everyone like it better on him? At play lunch, everyone used to crowd around me to trade rollups and play kanga cricket, and now they all hang out in the Parliamentary library with him. Even my mates Tony and Alex are like, “Sorry John, it’s not that we’ve become lefties or anything, it’s just… he speaks like, a gazilion languages… and he has a PS3!” Which is SO unfair, ‘cause they know that it’s not my fault that Janette won’t let me upgrade from my Nintendo 64, and the only reason Kevin is allowed to is ‘cause he lets his wife work like some hippie feminist who probably doesn’t even know how to bake.

The other big thing that’s been happening lately is that it turns out there are lots of problems in Aboriginal communities ‘cause they’re poor and stuff. People have been all “Didn’t you know?! You’ve been in government like, 10 years!” but it’s like, der, no, idiots, those people live in the middle of the desert in the Northern Territory, and I live on the North Shore. But Mal Brough kept bugging me about it, so I came up with this great plan involving lots of doctors and police, and people were all, “That’s a bad plan, there aren’t enough doctors, you’re totally mean. This is another ‘Tampa’.” Which, again, der, no, the Tampa was where brown people threw their kids in the water in the ocean, and this is brown people having sex with their kids in the desert. It’s pretty different. And also, it’s not my fault that all our doctors are busy being terrorists. Can’t they wait until after these health checks to go blow things up? Terrorism is really more of a hobby. Doesn’t the Hypocritical oath mean anything to these people?

Sigh. It’s like I can’t win. Stupid Kevin bumface is ruining EVERYTHING