Bonjour from Nigeria! I've had to come here for CHOGM. I hate CHOGM. Robert Mugabe is being so mean to me. He's all, "Oh, you're so racist" But as if. Look at this:
That's the President of Nigeria and he's black. And I'm letting him touch me. If I was racist, I wouldn't let him do that, because he's probably covered in germs and diseases and you can clearly see, he's trying to pick my pockets. But even so, I let the black man touch me. I just made sure I didn't have any valuables in my pockets and then I burnt that suit and disinfected my hands. I even talked to him. I said, "You know, we have heaps of black people in Australia, too. They built a big rock in the middle of nowhere called 'Uluru' and my wife made me go there and it was really boring and lame so my wife said I could pick our next holiday destination so we went to Noosa where there aren't so many black people and we also have a famous black Australian called Cathy Freeman. Are you related to her?" He said he's not. Which when I look back was a silly question, 'cause clearly he doesn't have any Aboriginal in him 'cause he has a job.
Still, Robert Mugabe's not as mean as Mark Latham. He's always bullying me. Like, on his first day, he was all, "Gimme ya lunch or I'll smash ya face in!" So I gave him my Vegemite and lettuce sandwich and my Prima, but he gave me a wedgie anyway. And the next day, Janette had given me special lamingtons in my lunch box which I tried to hide, but he flushed my head down the dunny till I handed them over. And then he snuck into my office and wrote "ALP Nu-Generation Rox 4 EVA" on my briefcase in white-out pen. Janette says that he's just a mean bean and that if he does anything more I should just tell Neil Andrew, but I reckon Neil's afraid of him too since he gave Neil a nipple cripple which he said didn't hurt, but I reckon it did. Also, everyone knows that dibber-dobbers wear nappies, and I wouldn't want people to think I'm a baby or anything, 'cause I have a reputation to protect. I don't wear nappies, and Janette says the plastic sheets are "just in case".
So it seems that loser Andrew Bartlett is a piss-pot. Apparently he nicked wine from a Liberal Party Christmas Party. What a der-brain. Why would you nick wine when you could nick Fanta? Democrats are so dumb. No wonder they keep electing chicks as their leaders. You'd have to be pissed. Like, it may seem like Amanda Vanstone is in a pretty big position for a chick, but it's not 'cause she's good at politics and stuff. It's 'cause she's the only one that Mark Latham can't beat up.