John Howard: Prime Minister

For years I've been telling Simon Crean that everyone hates him, only it kind of wasn't true, 'cause there were still a few people who liked him, like the Labor Party and stuff. But now it's actually true! Everyone really does hate Simon Crean. And not just compared to me, either. They even prefer that der-brain Kim Beazley. When even a pack of losers like the ALP think you're a loser, then you must know that you're a loser. But just in case he was to stupid to realise it, I sent him a letter saying "You're a loser".

I'm definitely going to George's ranch now! But I also have to go visit a whole lot of other countries, too. And not even cool ones like Hawaii, but stupid ones like Europe. I also have to go to Asia, which sucks because they all wear masks over there now. I guess they think it's cool or something, but it so isn't. How can I go jogging with a mask over my face? The press photos will make me look stupid, which I know sounds impossible, but it could happen. Maybe I could bring my Darth Vader mask with me and use that instead. That's wicked cool. And then in all the press conferences I could be all, "The ability to destroy Iraq is insignificant next to the power of the Coalition." And they'd be all, "What?" (Because Asians are lame and probably haven't have seen Star Wars) And I'd be all, "Search your feelings, Asians, you know it to be true." And they'd be all, "What?" And I'd go, "If you only knew the power of the Dark side of the Coalition" And they'd go, "What?" And I'd go, "I sense something, a presence I've not felt since..." And then Janette would burst in and go, "Stop fooling around and do this press conference properly!" And I'd go, "Janette, you can destroy Saddam. He has foreseen this. It is your destiny, join me and together we can rule the galaxy as husband and wife." And then she'd give me that look and go, "I'll count to ten, John..." And then I'd do the press conference properly, because she's never gotten to ten before, but I'm afraid of what will happen if she does.