John Howard: Prime Minister

Mark Latham, Mark Latham, Mark Latham! It's like all anyone cares about any more is Mark bloody Latham. "Mark has a ladder!" "Mark has books!" "Mark, Mark, MARK, MARK, MARK!" So when I decide to change that parliamentary superannuation thingo, of course everyone is all, "Oooh, that was Mark's idea!" Which, of course, it was, but that's hardly the point. Like, I announced it, I had to do stupid interviews about it and pretend I cared, and I had to say "parliamentary superannuation" heaps and heaps, and those are two really big words. So the other day, Mark corners me behind Parliament House and he's all, "So ya reckon youse can just steal me policy, Johnny? Huh? Huh? Do ya? You wanna take this outside?" And I'm like, "Der, we ARE outside!" And he's all, "Yeah? Well I reckon if you call yourself the PM, then "PM" must stand for "Poo Mouth"!" And I was scared and stuff, 'cause Mark is heaps big and scary and mean, but he had me cornered and Janette always says to "use my words", so I'm like, "Yeah? Well if you're the leader of the ALP, then it must stand for "Arse-faced Loser Politicians"! And then he goes, "Poo Mouth! Poo Mouth!" And I'm like, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me!" So he threw sticks and stones at me. And see, the media reckon I only nicked Mark's policy 'cause I'm scared of him 'cause of all the attention he's getting, but that's totally wrong - I'm jealous of him 'cause of all the attention he's getting, but I'm scared of him 'cause he keeps beating me up and stealing my lunchbox. Duh, Australian Media.

Mark is also lame 'cause he's anti-American 'cause he hasn't supported having a free-trade deal with America yet. Being anti-American is totally un-Australian, 'cause un-Australian people suck and if you don't like America then you don't like Australia, so you suck. That's what George says, and he'd know, 'cause he owns the country. America, that is, not Australia. Not yet, anyway, but we're working on it. America is such a cool place, 'cause like, in Australia people follow me round with cameras and stuff and some people are mean to me 'cause they don't like things I've done, but when I'm in America, everyone just treats me like a regular person. They all act like they don't know me from a bar of soap, which is heaps nice of them. They know better than to take pictures of me or annoy me when I'm jogging, 'cause Americans are used to being around celebrities. Though some of them take it a bit far by saying, "Australia? Where's that?" Anyway, this free trade deal will mean more American TV, more American movies, and more American products, so we can all become more American! And when people are more American, they'll be less un-Australian.