John Howard: Prime Minister

Ugh, I had to go the UK last week. For real, I reckon that place gets lamer every time I go there. Or maybe it's just Tony Blair who does. Either way, trips there are always totally lame. Especially 'cause it's so weird talking to Tony. Like, I reckon he's a total spaz-wad, and he knows I'm so much cooler than he could even dream of being, so it's always heaps awkward. But we have to pretend to like each other 'cause of all that monarchy stuff. So I'm all, "So... good war." And he's like, "Yeah. Didn't suck too much. When the public realised we'd lied ... that sucked a bit." And I was all, "Yeah... didn't have to deal with that. Australians didn't really care." And he's like, "Ooh, lucky you. But then, I guess that I don't have to live in a convict colony, so..." And I'm like, "Yeah? Well at least my country bathes!" And so he poked his tongue out at me. And so I blew him a raspberry. And then Queen Liz told us that we were both behaving very inappropriately for a Remembrance Day commemoration.

These Kurdish asylum seekers tried to get into Australia. Now, I dunno where Kurd is (bet it's in a terrorist country, though), but I'm dead-set on sending them back there. So at first Amanda Vanstone and I just said that they hadn't applied for asylum and that they'd probably just got lost off their Contiki Tour and ended up on Melville Island, or something. But then the opposition was all, "Nah, that's Bullshit." And we're like, "Nah, it's true!" And they're all, "Nah, it's bullshit." And we're like, "Nah seriously, it's fair dinkum!" And they're still all, "Nah, it's bullshit." And well, it was, so in the end we went, "Yeah ok, it's bullshit." But we still didn't want these Kurdish terrorists getting in, so I came up with the best plan EVER. Like, I reckon I fully must be a genius, or something. All I did was get Parliament to pass this legislation saying that Melville Island isn't part of Australia's migration zone anymore. Of course, 'cause they're sooks, the opposition started whining 'cause they reckoned that it still had been part of our migration zone when they arrived there, so the legislation doesn't count. But that's not right, 'cause I reckon legislation should work backwards, too. Like how Aboriginals have equal rights now, so we can just pretend that they always did.

Whatever. I'm sure the Australian public won't care either way, as long as the Kurdish Terrorists don't get in and disturb the Rugby World Cup.