The US is gonna attack Iraq and I really, really, really hope George invites us to join! I left a few messages at the White House saying that he could have as many Australian troops as he wanted but he hasn't called back yet. Janette says he's probably just too busy leading the free world, and she's probably right, but he's supposed to be my best friend! He told me that he likes me better than Tony Blair, but I don't know, cause they're always doing stuff without telling me, like bombing countries in the Middle East or ordering in pizza.

At least I know the Queen likes me better than both of them. She told me that she reckon's Tony's a total prat. But still, she's kinda old, and it's more fun to hang with the boys.

Do those boat people ever stop coming? I'm so over it. Seeking asylum is sooo last year. And protesting? That was never cool. I told Bob Brown to stop his unwashed, dreadlocked, pierced, tree-hugging, hacky-sack playing, hippy Greens supporters from letting out all the prisoners from detention centres. He reckoned they weren't representatives of the Greens. So I called him a dickhead. So he said, "So' s ya Mum!". So I said, "Yeah? Well I'm the leader of an entire country, and you're just the leader of some stupid hippy party who probably thinks he's a revolutionary or something!". So he called me a fascist, right-winged, reactionary arsehole. So I said, "Well at least I don't live in Tasmania!"

I totally wrecked him.

The UN are soooo unfair. They let the US and China do whatever they want, and we stick a few lip-sewing, children overboard-throwing illegal boat people in detention centres, and suddenly I’m an incarnation of Satan or something. I mean, chill out, it’s not like most of them are ever going to get citizenship or refugee status in this country. Not if I can help it.

But now that bloody Justice Bhagwati reckons we’ve created a ‘great human tragedy’. Phil Ruddock reckons he’s still pissed-off with me for calling him Justice ‘Big-whiney’ at a UN conference a couple of years ago. I’ll bet he is. What a sook.

Speaking of sooks, Natash Stott Despoja’s still not speaking to me cause she reckons I was the one who wrote ‘Tash and the Democrats Sux 4 EVA’ in the toilets at Parliament House a few months ago. As if. Why would I bother going in to the female toilets in the upper house? Everyone knows it was Meg Lees. She even has the same thing written in white-out on her briefcase.

Whatever. Natasha thinks she’s so cool just cause she wears Doc Martin’s and short skirts to Parliament. Just wait. Janette bought me this ace new red tie with yellow smiley faces all over it. It’s wicked cool.

I called George Bush today, but some woman from the White House said he couldn’t talk cause he had to celebrate ‘International Super-cool Presidents Day’. I said I’d never heard of it, but she said that’s cause I’m not a president.

It sucks being a Prime Minister sometimes.