John Howard: Prime Minister

It's official: I'm gonna be the PM for ever! Well, unless Labor win an election, but as if. The other night I made Pete Costello and John Anderson come into my office, and I've gone, "Pete, I know you've been working very hard to position yourself as the next leader of the Liberal Party, and you're a top bloke and stuff, but... I'M NOT GONNA RETIRE! HAHA, IN YOUR FACE, DERBRAIN! THINK YOU CAN STEAL MY JOB? NOT IN THIS LIFETIME! NER-NER NEE NER-NER!" And he was totally fighting back tears, and he goes, "So what? I didn't want to be the leader, anyway!" And then he ran out. Probably to cry.

At the moment, I'm heaps busy trying to find another Governor General. I need to find someone that everyone loves, so that when they stuff up, no one will care. I'm still not fully sure, but I've narrowed it down to a short list:

Don Bradman - Everyone loves the Don. I know he's dead, but that just means he couldn't say anything bad in the media, or make any mistakes. Is Don, is good.

Don Bradman's Cap - Not quite as good as the Don, but if people aren't ok with having a corpse as their GG, the cap'd be a good substitute. Of course, we'd have to rescue the thing from England, but it'd actually be a really good excuse for me to spend tax-payers money on bringing the cap back home to its rightful place: as our head of state.

Kylie - Yeah, I know, a chick, but she'd do wonders for our image. The only problem is that then Dannii would probably want to be GG, too. Actually, that gives me a good idea...

Johnny Young - Every public address could begin with "Close your eyes and I'll kiss you" (I could do the "oo-oo-oo" bit in the background). I always wanted to go on YTT back in the 70s, but apparently 35 was too old. I looked wicked cool in lemon slacks, too. I reckon I still do.

Dick Smith - I dunno if it's the glasses, but I reckon Dick is cool. Also, he has a funny name. I'd be able to say, "The Governor General is a Dick", and Janette couldn't tell me off.