John Howard: Prime Minister

What's all this crap that I keep hearing about the majority of Australians not wanting a War on Iraq? Hello? George Bush said that the Australian people support the War, and I think he'd know what he's talking about, he is like, the President of the World. Well, almost. Just because a few dickhead lefties want to stand around making our streets smell like their unwashed, hippy selves, and whining, "1,2,3,4, We whinge a lot, and we suck!" It makes no difference to me. We're still going to have our War, and it's not like any of them vote for real political parties, anyway.

See, that's what Democracy's all about: You vote me as your PM, so I can tell you what you think while you do more interesting things, like watching Neighbours, or whatever. Because I'm caring like that. It's a tough job, too, 'cause there are hundreds, maybe even thousands, of People in this country. And there are Muslims and Aboriginals, too. So like, right now, if you're a person, I can tell you that you're thinking, "I like War, and America, and I think that John Howard is a very attractive man." Or if you're a Muslim, you're thinking, "I am evil and I am now going to blow up a prominent Australian landmark and threaten Australia's way of life. I also suddenly have an unfounded fear of fridge magnets." Or of you're an Aboriginal, you're thinking, "Hmmm, why don't I go sponge of the Government some more?"

Speaking of Aboriginals, they finally got rid of some that stupid Tent Embassy! Thank God. I hope they pull the whole stupid thing down. It's so embarrassing when important foreign people would come round, and I'm trying to show them what Australia's really like, but there's all these Aboriginals in the way, and I say, "We don't know where they came from, but we sure didn't invite them here!" And they're like, "To Parliament House?" And I'm like, "No, to Australia." And it's not as if they have nice tents from like, K-Mart, or something, they're all ugly and old, and have those stupid dot paintings all over them. What's the deal with those paintings, anyway? Like people are all, "Oh, they're so great!" about them, but I can paint better than that! I could paint dots in when I was in Kinder, and these days I can do squares and triangles, too. When I was over in the US, George kept talking about a Pentagon, but I don't know much about that, because it's a pretty hard shape to paint, like, it has about seven sides, or something. I bet George can paint it, though. I guess that's why he's President of the World.