Wednesday, December 05, 2007

WhatEVER, Australia.

Are you all retarded? I was the best PM eva! I did so much awesome stuff for this country, like pretty much single-handedly keeping the economy strong with Workchoices and keeping dirty foreigners out and stuff. Not to mention the power walking! Eleven years of power walking! 4015 days! With just one hour of strutting my hot prime ministerial body around every one of those days -- that's 240,900 minutes of blood, sweat, tears and green tracksuits that I gave to you people!

And what do I get for it? Kicked out in favour of some pinko journalist because she danced ONCE! And it's not even that she's a chardonnay sipping, tree-hugging, watermelon former ABC employee -- she's also a ginga! A blood nuts, fanta pants red-head. Gross.

You also voted for a smug, dweeby little geek, which... ugh. WE had a monopoly on smug. Like Alexander Downer wasn't good enough for you people? Tony Abbott's condescending laugh? And NO ONE smirks like Peter Costello smirks. Although, nice going, Peter, you spaz. You whinge like a little baby for the leadership and NOW I give it to you and you don't want it? It's so obvious he only wanted to be leader because I was, and now I'm not, he doesn't want it. Real mature, Peter, you der-brain.

You've also got another commie ginger pubes and her barren womb kitchen and a washed-up rock star.

Yeah, good work, voters. Clap, clap for the handicaps.

Anyway, now I've pretty much chosen to retire (for real, I pretty much GAVE it to Maxine), I can go and do better things than be the PM. I mean, I didn't even really want to be the leader anymore, anyway. And I think it's time I lived out my true calling: to become a professional cricketer. I'm not even 70 yet, and I'm in better shape than Shane Warne (and, as Janette will tell you, I'm pretty good at sending HOT SMSes -- like: 'hai janette, i wld ttly like 2 c yr brassiere' and 'u hav a good buttoxx'). I still wield a pretty mean kanga cricket bat and shaved down tennis ball, and I have my own gold and green tracksuits.

Although, another job I would like is to be the next Australian Idol judge, because oh my GOD, that decision was the real let down of election weekend. Matt was sooo cool, and oh, those blue eyes... swoon! Although, not winning DOES mean we have something in common! And neither of us are going to let that get in our way.

I'm not going to become some hack Young Diva just 'cause I lost ONE election. I'm going to be a Shannon Noll. I'm going to be an Anthony Callea (minus the gay). Not so much a Jessica Mauboy, 'cause she was black and stuff. And Kevin is going to be a Casey Donovan or a Kate DeAraugo. Not even -- you wouldn't even make Idol, Kevin. you're Scott Cain. You're Scandal'us. You're Random.

And Bob Brown is Joel Turner -- a stupid novelty, but he didn't even make it to the real show. The Democrats are the Beatbox Alliance.

Anyway, Australia, I guess I'll catch you later, seeing as you don't want to be friends with me anymore, or whatever. Just don't come running back to ME when this whole country becomes a communist hell-hole where like, everyone has to share food and play hacky-sack and wear those Che Guevara t-shirts.

Peace out.

J. Ho.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Ooooh, that Peter is such a nasty pastie! A few years ago, he told these journalists (of all people! Ew!) that he wanted to get rid of me! And I asked him if it was true, and he was like, "Nah, John, we're totally best mates... oh yeah, actually I did say that... BUT I DIDN'T MEAN IT!" But I think he DID mean it, and now I'm scared that he's plotting and sabotaging behind my back. Like, he's the Treasurer, so he controls the economy, and at the last election, he told me to say that interest rates wouldn't rise if we won, but now they have! Maybe he did that to set me up! And also, I found a 'kick me' sign on my back after Parliament yesterday, and it was written on Department of Treasury letterhead and I don't think it could have been Peter Dutton, 'cause he's a total wuss.

Speaking of wusses, Kevin has this stupid 'Kevin07' campaign going, and he and all his Loser Party mates wear these lame matching t-shirts and post on Myspace. WhatEVER, Kevin. I've been blogging here for years so I'm way more in touch with young people and cool technology than he is. I bet he still uses Livejournal and laughs at the 'Numa Numa' guy! Like ZOMG, n00b. The other day, I was like, "Hey Kevin, I think they're missing you on YAHOO CHAT!" and he was like, "Yeah? Well I got distracted by your GEOCITIES PAGE!" so I went, "YEAH? I'm surprised you could load it on you DIAL-UP MODEM!" and he was like, "Tell it to your USENET buddies, lamer." Then the Speaker called "order" and told us to stop disrupting Parliament, and the stupid Independents yelled out "PWNED!"

Friday, July 13, 2007

Man, what a crappy week!

First, people got pissy 'cause I forgot some Tasmanian chick's name. She was a Liberal candidate or something. But do you know how many Liberal candidates there are in Australia? I'd say at least a dozen — maybe more! I have enough trouble remembering the names of the front bench, let alone a sheila from some island. That's why the speaker in parliament just calls people things like "the member for Bennelong" (that's me). I think he just makes them up sometimes, like 'Bruce' and 'Mayo'. Hee. I knew I picked him for a reason.

Then, people got pissy 'cause I did some renos on my plane. That's insulting for two reasons: one, of course I need to fly in comfort when they send me to places like Tasmania, and secondly, as if I am choosing the wallpaper — OBVIOUSLY that's Janette's department. George has several planes AND a helicopter AND a rad BMX, but I get into trouble for a bit of silk wall-lining and wanting a bit of leg room.

But by far the worst thing that happened this week is that Nick Minchin said that he smoked marijuana in uni!!!!!! He was all, "EVERYONE who went to uni in the 60s and 70s smoked dope". Well! Maybe some hippies were doing such things, but if Nick had spent more time with the young liberals like me, I think he'd have found that we certainly didn't do things like that. And it wasn't like we weren't cool; sometimes we had a small sherry after a game of Scrabble or a barn dance. But we were high on life in those days! I guess now we know where all the pizza and Tim Tams go at party functions, but I don't reckon we'll ever trust Kerry Minchin's baked goods again.

Friday, July 06, 2007

So I’m back. When I stopped writing this diary, things were going so well, ‘cause fat old Kim was such a fat loser and everyone loved me because I go jogging and am fit and stuff and everyone had jobs and were digging the war in Iraq. But now, that geek Kevin Rudd is more popular than me and I can’t work out why! I mean, I have glasses, I have a big moon face, I’m short, I wear natty suits and ties, so why does everyone like it better on him? At play lunch, everyone used to crowd around me to trade rollups and play kanga cricket, and now they all hang out in the Parliamentary library with him. Even my mates Tony and Alex are like, “Sorry John, it’s not that we’ve become lefties or anything, it’s just… he speaks like, a gazilion languages… and he has a PS3!” Which is SO unfair, ‘cause they know that it’s not my fault that Janette won’t let me upgrade from my Nintendo 64, and the only reason Kevin is allowed to is ‘cause he lets his wife work like some hippie feminist who probably doesn’t even know how to bake.

The other big thing that’s been happening lately is that it turns out there are lots of problems in Aboriginal communities ‘cause they’re poor and stuff. People have been all “Didn’t you know?! You’ve been in government like, 10 years!” but it’s like, der, no, idiots, those people live in the middle of the desert in the Northern Territory, and I live on the North Shore. But Mal Brough kept bugging me about it, so I came up with this great plan involving lots of doctors and police, and people were all, “That’s a bad plan, there aren’t enough doctors, you’re totally mean. This is another ‘Tampa’.” Which, again, der, no, the Tampa was where brown people threw their kids in the water in the ocean, and this is brown people having sex with their kids in the desert. It’s pretty different. And also, it’s not my fault that all our doctors are busy being terrorists. Can’t they wait until after these health checks to go blow things up? Terrorism is really more of a hobby. Doesn’t the Hypocritical oath mean anything to these people?

Sigh. It’s like I can’t win. Stupid Kevin bumface is ruining EVERYTHING