John Howard: Prime Minister

Simon Crean is such a stupid, der-brain, lame-o, dumb-head, dip-stick, fart-face LOSER. I mean, duh, 'cause he's the leader of the ALP, so of course he is, but now not only is he the leader of the ALP, he's the leader of the ALP and only 16% of the country like him! And I bet that 16% is made up of people who either don't really like him but are just trying to be nice, or stupid, blind, deaf morons (also known as members of the ALP). Today when he came into Parliament I was all, "Hey Simon, guess who loves you?" And he was all, "Who?" And I was like, "No one! Loser!" And then everyone laughed, and he goes, "I know you are, but what am I?" So I go, "A friendless loser!" And he goes, "I'm rubber, you're glue, everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you!" So I'm like, "Yeah, except I stuck a mirror to the glue, so like, the insult reflects back off me and onto you. So shut up." And then the speaker said that if we both didn't shut up, he'd stop Parliament and there'd be no Question Time for anyone.

It's sorta like gambling now. Like, I could call an election soon, but I really wanna see just how low Crean's approval rating will drop. I'd also like to see how much more I can get away with. Like, seeing the Australian public don't seem to give if I lie to them and do whatever I want, I may as well just go ahead and milk that for all it's worth. I could start by changing my title to something a bit cooler than "Prime Minister", 'cause honestly, that always reminds me too much of "Prime Beef", or something. How about "God"? I'm sure no one except a few lefties will care. Next I might knock down that bloody Aboriginal Tent Embassy once and for all, and to make sure they don't put it up again, maybe I'll stick something there, like a statue of me. Or even better, a statue of me and George Bush. And it could have "Best Friends 4 Eva" written on it. That'd be wicked, and I'm sure Australia will agree with me. Finally, I reckon I'll let Shane Warne play as much cricket as he wants. Stuff penalties, he's an ace bowler. In fact, I might SMS him right now...