John Howard: Prime Minister

Bloody greedy un-Australian Australians. We do a totally nice, generous, caring thing like pork-barrelling to win votes from poor people by paying them $600 for having kids, and now some people who weren't supposed to receive the bribe did anyway, and they won't give it back. They're being heaps selfish, because we already bribed them with tax-cuts. Man, buying people's votes is HARD. Like, we could make them pay the money back, but then what if they don't like us anymore? It's sorta like how I give Amanda Vanstone half my lamingtons every day, so she protects me from getting beaten up by Mark Latham. But like, if I went back to benching her in kanga cricket every lunch time and calling her "Fatty Fat Fatty" like I did before Mark was on the scene, I'm not sure she'd be so willing to give him a nipple-cripple for me every morning. I guess the lesson is that even though you can only please all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, all of the people have a price.

Speaking of fat people, it turns out that kids in Australia are too fat, 'cause they don't spend enough time gazing adoringly at the Australian flag, or something. I personally have an intense daily fitness regime that keeps me in such good shape: As soon as I get up, I recite a pledge of allegiance to Australia, followed by all 5 verses of "Advance Australia Fair". Then, with my hand over my heart, I apply myself to at least a good solid half-hour of flag gazing. If it's a weekend, Janette and I get a great workout singing "Waltzing Matilda", "Still Call Australia Home", and other patriotic classics. Sometimes if I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, I'll also belt out a rousing rendition of "God Save the Queen". The way to an Australian's stomach is through their heart. Nothing gets kids shedding those kilos like patriotism. And y'know, exercise too, I guess. But mainly patriotism.

Wait, it just occured to me that if we'd taken AWAY $600 per child, families wouldn't have been able to feed their kids, and we'd have fixed the obesity problem.

Damn. Wish I'd thought of that earlier.