A Christmas Letter from the Howards

Dear friends, family, and Coalition of the Willing™ members,

When I think back on 2003, one word immediately comes to mind: Democracy. I reckon 2003 was absolutely chockers with democracy. We fully had democracy coming out of our ears. So I'd just like to look back at some of the democratic things that happened this year:

First off, I invented Anti-Terrorist Fridge Magnets. Australian fridges are now so democratic it hurts. And they totally worked, ‘cause Australia hasn’t been attacked once by Terrorists. Plus, fridge-magnets are heaps non-violent, which makes me look good. They reckon that Ghandi guy was some sort of hero of non-violent resistance, but I’ll go down in history as the bloke that single-handedly stopped Terrorism in Australia. I don’t wear a nappy like he did, either, ‘cause Janette reckons that I’m a big boy and I don’t need them.

But of course, non-violence isn’t as fun as blowing stuff up and playing with guns, so we had a war, too. And I reckon it has to have been one of the best wars since the Cola Wars of the 1980s. There was this place called Iraq in this country called the Middle East in this city called the Axis of Evil and everyone there was a terrorist, and so George Bush had this rad idea to go and “Democracise” the place. So we went in and dropped bombs and stuff and now they’re free to do democratic things like eating McDonalds and playing cricket and being Christians. We democracised Iraq good.

Then, when Australians thought things couldn’t get any more democratic, two of the most democratic blokes in the whole universe, George Bush and Hu Jintao, came from their democracy to our democracy and things got so democratic that Australia was like … a really democratic place. Their countries are so democratic that neither of them even had to win elections to become leader. I reckon that’s really something that Australia should aspire to. Of course, 'cause they're dickhead communists, the Greens tried to pick on George and Hu, but I was all, "Not in my democracy!" And they got sent into "time out" for talking out of turn. Being allowed to say what you think is totally un-democratic.

Another score for democracy was made when these Kurdish terrorists tried to get into Australia, but with the combined democratic power of our Anti-Terrorist Fridge Magnets, and by shifting them off to Indonesia, we protected our democracy from their democracy-hating ways and told them to get nicked. Maybe next year we can democracise Kurd.

Finally, we found Saddam Hussein in a hole going, "No! No Democracy! Keep democracy out of here!" But we were all, "Uh-uh, we're bringing democracy into that hole whether you like it or not!" So American troops went in there and gave Saddam the most democratic shave he's ever had in his life. And now he's going to get a trial so democratic he'll wish he was never born a Terrorist. He was all, "Nooo, send me to Guantanimo Bay! Please! Just no democratic trial!" Well... he probably was. But we'll learn him.

There really has been more democracy than you can poke a stick at this year. Go democracy, it’s your birthday.

Have a gnarly Christmas and a democratic New Year,

Yours Sincerely,

John and Janette Howard

Bonjour from Nigeria! I've had to come here for CHOGM. I hate CHOGM. Robert Mugabe is being so mean to me. He's all, "Oh, you're so racist" But as if. Look at this:



That's the President of Nigeria and he's black. And I'm letting him touch me. If I was racist, I wouldn't let him do that, because he's probably covered in germs and diseases and you can clearly see, he's trying to pick my pockets. But even so, I let the black man touch me. I just made sure I didn't have any valuables in my pockets and then I burnt that suit and disinfected my hands. I even talked to him. I said, "You know, we have heaps of black people in Australia, too. They built a big rock in the middle of nowhere called 'Uluru' and my wife made me go there and it was really boring and lame so my wife said I could pick our next holiday destination so we went to Noosa where there aren't so many black people and we also have a famous black Australian called Cathy Freeman. Are you related to her?" He said he's not. Which when I look back was a silly question, 'cause clearly he doesn't have any Aboriginal in him 'cause he has a job.

Still, Robert Mugabe's not as mean as Mark Latham. He's always bullying me. Like, on his first day, he was all, "Gimme ya lunch or I'll smash ya face in!" So I gave him my Vegemite and lettuce sandwich and my Prima, but he gave me a wedgie anyway. And the next day, Janette had given me special lamingtons in my lunch box which I tried to hide, but he flushed my head down the dunny till I handed them over. And then he snuck into my office and wrote "ALP Nu-Generation Rox 4 EVA" on my briefcase in white-out pen. Janette says that he's just a mean bean and that if he does anything more I should just tell Neil Andrew, but I reckon Neil's afraid of him too since he gave Neil a nipple cripple which he said didn't hurt, but I reckon it did. Also, everyone knows that dibber-dobbers wear nappies, and I wouldn't want people to think I'm a baby or anything, 'cause I have a reputation to protect. I don't wear nappies, and Janette says the plastic sheets are "just in case".

So it seems that loser Andrew Bartlett is a piss-pot. Apparently he nicked wine from a Liberal Party Christmas Party. What a der-brain. Why would you nick wine when you could nick Fanta? Democrats are so dumb. No wonder they keep electing chicks as their leaders. You'd have to be pissed. Like, it may seem like Amanda Vanstone is in a pretty big position for a chick, but it's not 'cause she's good at politics and stuff. It's 'cause she's the only one that Mark Latham can't beat up.

Ugh, I had to go the UK last week. For real, I reckon that place gets lamer every time I go there. Or maybe it's just Tony Blair who does. Either way, trips there are always totally lame. Especially 'cause it's so weird talking to Tony. Like, I reckon he's a total spaz-wad, and he knows I'm so much cooler than he could even dream of being, so it's always heaps awkward. But we have to pretend to like each other 'cause of all that monarchy stuff. So I'm all, "So... good war." And he's like, "Yeah. Didn't suck too much. When the public realised we'd lied ... that sucked a bit." And I was all, "Yeah... didn't have to deal with that. Australians didn't really care." And he's like, "Ooh, lucky you. But then, I guess that I don't have to live in a convict colony, so..." And I'm like, "Yeah? Well at least my country bathes!" And so he poked his tongue out at me. And so I blew him a raspberry. And then Queen Liz told us that we were both behaving very inappropriately for a Remembrance Day commemoration.

These Kurdish asylum seekers tried to get into Australia. Now, I dunno where Kurd is (bet it's in a terrorist country, though), but I'm dead-set on sending them back there. So at first Amanda Vanstone and I just said that they hadn't applied for asylum and that they'd probably just got lost off their Contiki Tour and ended up on Melville Island, or something. But then the opposition was all, "Nah, that's Bullshit." And we're like, "Nah, it's true!" And they're all, "Nah, it's bullshit." And we're like, "Nah seriously, it's fair dinkum!" And they're still all, "Nah, it's bullshit." And well, it was, so in the end we went, "Yeah ok, it's bullshit." But we still didn't want these Kurdish terrorists getting in, so I came up with the best plan EVER. Like, I reckon I fully must be a genius, or something. All I did was get Parliament to pass this legislation saying that Melville Island isn't part of Australia's migration zone anymore. Of course, 'cause they're sooks, the opposition started whining 'cause they reckoned that it still had been part of our migration zone when they arrived there, so the legislation doesn't count. But that's not right, 'cause I reckon legislation should work backwards, too. Like how Aboriginals have equal rights now, so we can just pretend that they always did.

Whatever. I'm sure the Australian public won't care either way, as long as the Kurdish Terrorists don't get in and disturb the Rugby World Cup.

Why is Pauline Hanson getting so much attention all of a sudden? She is so 1996. Ok, so like, she got out of prison. Woo hoo. It's not like she's, oh I dunno.... THE BLOODY PRIME MINISTER. Geeze Louise, I run this whole country, and all she does is sit in prison for a few months. As if that's so special or something. I mean, Aboriginals sit in prison all the time. I SIT IN BLOODY PARLIAMENT HOUSE. Do you see any Aboriginals in Parliament House? Well... sometimes, I guess, but they're never the Prime Minister. Pauline Hanson is just useless now. We took over most of her policies, except we're better at them, 'cause when they were hers they were "Racist", but now they're ours they're "Necessary". The difference is that she's a total bogan with a stupid voice, and I'm totally cultured and stuff. Like, I have a law degree, while she has a fish 'n chip shop. Not that fish 'n chips aren't awesome or anything, but lawyers are awesomer. Lawyers get cool wigs and lots of money, while people who own fish 'n chip shops get greasy aprons and ten cents for a little packet of tartar sauce (which I reckon is a total rip-off, by the way, but still wouldn't earn her that much money).

So, given that I am clearly waaaaaay cooler than Pauline Hanson, why won't anyone pay attention to ME? There were even boat people this week! That's normally gold! I have it down to an art: They come over in some dodgy boat, I say they're stupid and that they want to steal all our money and jobs, we stick them on an island, and I win the next election. But Pauline is ruining the whole system. It's bad enough that I have to compete with the contestants on Australian Idol for media attention, but stupid dumb Pauline is really making it hard on me. Doesn't she realise that I have an election coming up?

Janette says that she still thinks I'm special, but that won't win me the next election. Well, not unless I can somehow take democracy out of our elections like George Bush did. Actually, as usual, he was right on the money with that one. 'Cause like, he didn't let anyone who even may be a criminal vote, and by "criminal" he meant "black". And this country is chockers with black people. And most of them don't really like me (which is good, 'cause I don't like them either). For real, if I could stop all "criminals" in this country from voting, then I'd be sweet. Well, obviously I'd still let rich criminals who commit tax evasion and fraud and stuff vote, 'cause they like me. I'd just exclude black "criminals". And then, if I still didn't get in, I could just take another page out of George's book, take it to the courts, and get in anyway. I reckon they'd go it, 'cause if the courts let Pauline Hanson out of jail so close to the next election, they're clearly total spazzes.

Of course, 'cause Simon Crean's such a dick and everyone hates him, I'll probably win anyway and won't have to do any of that stuff. But I bet I don't even get a run in the paper. I bet they'll be too concerned with who wins Australian Idol. Speaking of which, why are they even bothering with the competition anymore? Like, it's a white guy versus a black guy. As if Australians are gonna vote for a criminal.

What a totally wicked week! George's visit is now officially The Greatest Moment in Australia's History Since the Whitlam Dismissal™. And it would've been perfect if that stupid dumb idiot Bob Brown hadn't tried to stuff things up. What a lame-o. George was in Parliament giving this great speech (for real, 'cause like, Parliament is normally soooooo boring when I'm not speaking), and Bob Brown stands up and starts yelling about some "Australian" terrorists that George is going to kill for us, or whatever. First of all, they're clearly not really Australian if they're terrorists, because that's totally un-Australian and everyone knows that terrorists are all foreigners, and secondly, I reckon it's great that they're in prison there, 'cause they have the death penalty. I wish we could send all the foreigners here off to Guantanamo Bay. So shut up, Bob Brown. Keep your stupid communist views to yourself. It was totally embarrassing. Fortunately, George made this really funny joke about free speech. I didn't get it, but I laughed anyway, 'cause I didn't want him to think I wasn't smart, or anything.

Also, it was great that the Australian media weren't allowed to speak to George. I mean, there are some cool and smart journos like Andrew Bolt and Piers Ackerman who are totally even-handed and fair, but then there are stupid loser journos like Phillip Adams and Kerry O'Brien who are just totally biased and lame. I reckon that it was better that we let un-biased and neutral journalists like CNN cover the event. Because everyone knows that it's un-Australian if you're not egalitarian (which Janette says means "non-discriminatory", which she says means "equal"). CNN are very egalitarian, so they're very Australian. But Phillip Adams and Kerry O'Brien aren't very Australian at all. We should send them to Guantanamo Bay.

I reckon the best part of The Greatest Moment in Australia's History Since the Whitlam Dismissal™ was the barbeque at the Lodge. There were some top blokes there like Kerry Packer, Mark Taylor, and Steve Irwin. We also had to bring in a few token minorities, too, because that's part of being egalitarian and therefore Australian. So to kill two birds with one stone, this Aboriginal chick, Jackie Huggins, got to come. She was so typical: "Can I please have a snag?" "Can you please pass the tomato sauce?" "Where's the bathroom?" It's always "me, me, me" with these Aboriginals, they want everything handed to them on a paper plate. Thank God Amanda Vanstone was there to do her job (though man can that woman scoff down lamb-chops). She said, "Look, Jackie, paper napkins don't grow on trees. You can't just go through life expecting hand-outs from this government." At first I was a little worried about giving a woman something as important as the Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs portfolio, but clearly she's the right man for the job.

Barbequing the food was a bit of a problem, but as always, George stepped in to save the day. See, I always reckon you should prick the snags with a fork before cooking them, but Pete Costello reckoned you shouldn't so they can cook in their own juices. Then the GG, Michael Jeffery stepped in and said that you need to fry them in a bit of a beer, and that we all had to do what he said because it's in the constitution. So Pete threw some coleslaw at him. And then he threw some bread rolls at me. So Janette told them that they both had to have time out. But Michael said that he's the GG and she can't tell him what to do so nya, and so I was going to call up Queen Liz to dob on him. But just at the last minute, George stepped in and said, "Hey Fellas, don't go off with your pistols half cocked! Seems like ya'll don't know whether to scratch your watches or wind your butts! Now, I'm the leader of the free world, so I'll show ya'll how we do things in a real democracy!" So George took the tongs off me, got one of his guards to bring in a blow torch, and he cooked the snags himself. Then he made Michael and Pete clean up all the char left on the barbeque, 'cause they really should've done it his way from the beginning. Then he sold the snags back to us at the bargain-basement price of $1.50 each. Well, he didn't give one to Jackie Huggins, but we explained to her that the "trickle-down effect" would mean that she'd still get one.

Then Janette made us an awesome "Axis of Treacle" dessert which was filled with a mix of cream and jam that she called "Coalition of the Filling".

OH. MY. GOD. He's almost here! He's almost here! George gets here tonight! I'm soooooo nervous! I mean, we just spent the weekend together at that APEC thing, but now he's coming around to my place! Well... my country. Same thing. Speaking of that APEC summit thingo, that really sucked. Well, it was cool 'cause George was there, but that spaz Dr Mahath..blahsomethingorother who's the PM of some foreign place was being a total dickhead. He reckons that Australia isn't cool enough to be Asia or something. We so are. But like we'd wanna be part of a stupid country like Asia, anyway. And worst of all, he totally buggered-up this great photo of George and me:



But what's funny in that picture is that below the camera, I'm really giving him a wedgie. That's why I'm laughing and he looks like he has something stuck up his arse. 'Cause he does. He's such a sook, too. Like, he reckoned I said "nasty comments" about him, but all I said was that he's a stupid bum-face who smells 'cause he has a bum for a face. I say worse stuff to Simon Crean all the time, and even he doesn't whinge like that. If all Asians suck as much as Dr Mumbojumbowhatever (and I bet they do), then I'm glad I'm not one of them.

Speaking of foreigners, I've been hanging with the Chinese President Hu Jintao since I got back. China is like Asia, only it doesn't suck as much. Like, they're Communists, except this cool type of Communism where instead of being lefty der-faces in Che Guevara t-shirts, they all have to work for barely any money and suck up to the government and stuff. Now that's a Socialist Utopia. Anyway, Hu's pretty cool for a foreigner. Janette let us go to this take-away place that was owned by foreigners, so it had authentic Chinese food. We had traditional Chinese Dim Sims and Chicko Rolls, but it was also kind of Australian, 'cause we had traditional Aussie Mars Bars in batter. And people accuse me of not being into Multiculturalism.

But now I've had to leave Hu in Sydney, 'cause I have to meet George, 'cause he's more important. I think I'm going to go and redo my hair and eye-brows again. I've picked an outfit, but... oh, it's so hard to decide! This is going to be the coolest thing EVER!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!

Christ, is today "Lefties Have a Whinge" day, or something? First off, all the Uni academics went on strike. Like, I don't really care about Universities not being open, or anything. So a few Arts students will have to stay at home to play hack-sack. Like I give. But I do like Australia to come off as a smart nation. 'Cause like, if the nation looks smart, then I look smart, too, and people are all, "Ooh, look at that smart country. I bet they elected a really cool, smart leader, 'cause smart people wouldn't elect someone stupid." But then stupid academics go and embarass me like this:



"Strike day Today". No duh, lefties. Like the picket line wouldn't have been a bit of a give-away. Everyone thinks academics are so smart and stuff but clearly they aren't. I mean, if they're so smart, why are they still at Uni? I left Uni decades ago. Academics are like those dumb kids that had to stay down in primary school, only dumber, 'cause they choose to hang around Universities. And their jobs can't be that hard, 'cause even Simon Crean finished University, and I bet he was one of the dumb kids that got kept down in primary school. So clearly, if they're doing anything, it isn't much if spazzes like Simon can get through. I reckon being an academic would be perfect for the "Work for the Dole" scheme. Dole Bludgers could go in there and teach Arts and Communications students things they'll really need to know, like how to fill in forms at Centrelink and that. Then academics can go make some "We are standing in a dole queue" and "Will discuss post-modernism for food" signs.

The other stupid leftie thing that happened today was that stupid communist Bob Brown being a stupid leftie. He's all bitter about security having guns in Parliament House when Bush comes. Janette says he's probably just cranky because lefties are all vegetarians and they don't get any protein so they're all skinny and pale and have bags under their eyes and stuff. But I dunno, 'cause that pretty much describes Phillip Ruddock. So anyway, Bob was having a sook and he said that it was "repugnant" and I asked Janette what that means and she said it means he's not a nice boy and she doesn't want me being friends with him. Like I would be. At lunch today, we were all hugging gum trees and going "Ooh, look, I'm Bob Brown and I'm hugging a tree! Are you going to marry a tree, Bob? Or are you already engaged to the Wilderness Society Koala?" And then we're all, "Bob and a tree sitting in a... tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" And then he called me a fascist. So I called him a der-brain.

Australia is like the place to be seen now. Like, not only is the President of the world George Bush coming here, so is the President of China, Hu Jintao. They have heaps in common, like they're both Presidents and neither were actually elected. So I rang up George to tell him, and I'm all, "Dude, Hu is coming here!" And he's all, "I give up, who's comin'?" And I'm all, "No, HU is coming!" and he goes, "I said I don't know, who's comin'?" And I go "Hu!" And he goes, "Yeah, I said I don't know, who?" And I go, "Hu's coming!" And he goes, "What? Who is coming? Ya'll gonna tell me?" And I go, "Hu Jintao, the President of China!" And he goes, "Who?"

George is such a kidder. Smart AND a sense of humor. He's so dreamy.

Janette is So. Mean. Like yesterday, I wanted to go to the footy grand final, but noooo, I had to go to my daughter's wedding. I mean, of course I would want to go to my daughter's wedding normally, but come on, the footy grand final only comes around once a year. Like Christmas, except instead of Santa, the fat man in a suit is Eddie MaGuire. Anyway, so I went to the wedding, but I brought my walkman, just to listen to the occasional score update, which I thought was a fair compromise. Like, those things are soooo long, and it's not like I've never been to one before, I have been married myself. And I would've watched the important bits: the rings, the kiss, the cake... and Janette wouldn't have even found out if I hadn't yelled "C'ARN WOEWODIN, LIFT YA GAME, SON!" when the couple were exchanging their wedding vows, either. So Janette confiscated my walkman and made me apologise in front of the whole Wedding Party. Though I suppose it could've been worse -- she could've gotten married during the cricket season.

So we've gotta try and flog 53,000 sheep. Apparently the people in the Middle East aren't buying them at the moment 'cause of some religious holiday, or something. Who are they to be picky? After all we've done for Iraq and Afghanistan, too. The Middle East is such a lame country. We should tell them that if they don't buy our sheep, we won't buy their... souvlaki, or whatever they sell here. Warren Truss told me that people don't wanna buy the sheep 'cause they have scabs on their mouths, or something. I told him that I had a scab on my mouth once, and it turned out just to be a coldsore, and that I'm sure that if we just sent a few crates of Zovirax onto the boat they'll clear up in 3-6 days like it says on the packet, but he reckoned that probably wouldn't work.

Whatever. Maybe we should just pluck a few asylum seekers off Nauru and put them on the boat to sew the sheep's mouths up and chuck them overboard. There is an election coming up, after all.

Simon Crean is such a stupid, der-brain, lame-o, dumb-head, dip-stick, fart-face LOSER. I mean, duh, 'cause he's the leader of the ALP, so of course he is, but now not only is he the leader of the ALP, he's the leader of the ALP and only 16% of the country like him! And I bet that 16% is made up of people who either don't really like him but are just trying to be nice, or stupid, blind, deaf morons (also known as members of the ALP). Today when he came into Parliament I was all, "Hey Simon, guess who loves you?" And he was all, "Who?" And I was like, "No one! Loser!" And then everyone laughed, and he goes, "I know you are, but what am I?" So I go, "A friendless loser!" And he goes, "I'm rubber, you're glue, everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you!" So I'm like, "Yeah, except I stuck a mirror to the glue, so like, the insult reflects back off me and onto you. So shut up." And then the speaker said that if we both didn't shut up, he'd stop Parliament and there'd be no Question Time for anyone.

It's sorta like gambling now. Like, I could call an election soon, but I really wanna see just how low Crean's approval rating will drop. I'd also like to see how much more I can get away with. Like, seeing the Australian public don't seem to give if I lie to them and do whatever I want, I may as well just go ahead and milk that for all it's worth. I could start by changing my title to something a bit cooler than "Prime Minister", 'cause honestly, that always reminds me too much of "Prime Beef", or something. How about "God"? I'm sure no one except a few lefties will care. Next I might knock down that bloody Aboriginal Tent Embassy once and for all, and to make sure they don't put it up again, maybe I'll stick something there, like a statue of me. Or even better, a statue of me and George Bush. And it could have "Best Friends 4 Eva" written on it. That'd be wicked, and I'm sure Australia will agree with me. Finally, I reckon I'll let Shane Warne play as much cricket as he wants. Stuff penalties, he's an ace bowler. In fact, I might SMS him right now...

Yaaaaaay! George is officially coming to visit me! It's gonna be so cool. Though it sucks a bit that Canberra is so boring and lame. Maybe we can move Parliament to Sydney for the visit, or something. It'd suck if George reckoned that Australian politics was uncool just 'cause Canberra makes everything look lame. Except the ALP, who look lame in any state. Canberra just makes them look like, super-lame. I told Simon Crean that, and he was all, "Yeah? Well the Liberals are like, super-lame times one hundred!" And I'm like, "Then the ALP are super-lame times infinity plus one, no returns!" So he stuck his tongue out at me then ran off like a baby. He's so immature. I hope he's not around when George visits, 'cause George is heaps mature and so am I, and I don't want George to think that I'm a baby like Stupid-Head Crean. Just to make sure, I'm gonna stop doing some stuff that... well, it isn't baby-ish or anything, 'cause I'm like an adult and that, but stuff that George might think was not so mature or something 'cause he's really cultured.

So first off, I'm gonna stop getting the Happy Meal at McDonalds. I'll miss the toy, but I wanna show George that I can handle a whole Big Mac and a medium Coke (when Janette lets me get a Coke, anyway). The next thing I'm gonna stop doing is carrying my Teddy Bears (who are called Robert and Menzies) with me all the time. Like, I can still keep them in my bed at home, but I won't take them into Parliament or to important functions. I know they'll get lonely and stuff, but I reckon they'll understand. And finally, I'm gonna take the big step from watching the Disney Channel to Nickelodeon. I reckon it's heaps more high-brow and intellectual and that. And 'cause I also watch Cartoon Network, George will see how totally down I am with the media. It's like I'm well read, only without reading, so like I'm well watched, or something.


I think if I can take these steps forward, I'll be a much cooler person, PM, and coallition member (that's "Coallition of the Willing", not the Liberal/National Coallition. I don't give a stuff about that), and George will think I'm totally rad. Which he probably already does, but he'll think I'm radder.

Stupid Wilson Tuckey. What a loser. As a leader, I've tried so hard to set a good example and that, and then he just has to go out and act like a dickhead. Like, how many times does the guy have to see me lie and get away with it to learn what to do when he gets caught out doing something naughty? Children Overboard, Weapons of Mass Destruction, The Govenor General, Ethanol, kicking a footy through a window in Parliament House and blaming it on Simon Crean... and still no one's calling for my resignation. Well, no one who matters. But he gets caught abusing his position once, and he doesn't even try to lie. Where did I go wrong? I've tried so hard to raise a cabinet of politicians who aren't total lame-o's, just like in America. But I suppose we also have bloody "ministerial responsibility" to try and get around, which is, of course, a dumb British thing. The British are so dumb. Except for the Royal Family, of course. They're cool. But Ministerial Responsibility isn't. Why should I have to responsible for things that go wrong? That's what public servants are for.

Anyway, yeah, Wilson Tuckey sucks. All he had to say was "What letter? No one ever told me about this letter? I have a son? Well I wasn't informed about this "son". If my wife knew, she never told me." And then after like, a week, everyone would've forgotten about the whole thing. Duh. But now everyone's all, "Oooh, he's naughty, you have to fire him." Which like, I would, except he's the best wicket-keeper in the whole cabinet, and if we lost him, we'd have to let Kay Patterson play kanga cricket with us at lunch time, and that'd suck, 'cause y'know, women in sport and stuff. Maybe Wilson can blame the whole thing on her. All she does is cut the orange quarters for half time, anyway, and there are other women in the cabinet who I'd be just as happy to see back in the kitchen where women do their best work.

Homosexuals are so bloody greedy. I mean, they already have a parade, and you'd think that'd be enough, but nooooo, now they want to get married too. They have some lame idea that marriage is about love or something. Idiots. Marriage is about sex. Sex that leads to babies. Babies that lead to Young Libs. Anyway, everyone knows that homosexuality is wrong and dumb and evil. 'Cause homosexual couples adopt kids or have IVF or whatever, and then wreck the kids' lives by raising them in families with same-sex parents. I reckon if a parade is good enough for the ANZACs, then it's good enough for homosexuals. Well, I guess the ANZACs got their own biscuit, too. But then, they were doing good stuff like fighting in a war and that, not threatening the survival of our species. Homosexuals are so gay.

I'm so sick of the ABC. They're so thick that they don't get that when we say "media bias", what we mean is "media bias against us". Dumb stupid idiots. I'm not sure what the letters "ABC" really stand for, but I reckon it must be "Almost Bloody Communists", 'cause the ABC are like, totally in love with the left. Once I said to Kerry O'Brien, "If you love the left so much, why don't you marry the left?" And he goes, "Excuse me?" And I'm like, "Ooh, Kerry and the left, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!" And then he told me to get out of his front yard and to stop following him around. Another thing the ABC loves is foreign people. Apparently they even named a show about them called "Foreign Correspondent". Jeeze, why not just name the show "We Love You, Foreigners. Please Come Over Here Illegally In Your Foreign Boats So You Can Take All the Jobs And Collect Welfare"?! And they even have foreigners on some of their programs. Like, there's an Aboriginal chick on Playschool. I dunno about anyone else, but I wouldn't want a foreigner singing "Two Little Dickie Birds" to my kids.

Minority groups suck.

Happy Birthday to ME! 64 today! Only 36 years till I get a letter from the Queen! Well, ok I get letters from the Liz quite often, but for once I'd like to get one that isn't just whinging about Camilla and Tony Blair.

Janette wouldn't let me have a party this year. Last year, the cabinet all came down to Kirribilli, and we had too much red cordial and Fanta and we decided to play Marco Polo in Sydney Harbour and I got a nasty cold. Janette said I was lucky that I didn't end up like Harold Holt. I was really, really hoping for a Playstation 2 this year, but I got two new cardigans and a coffee mug that says, "I'm PM, so why try harder?" on it. Maybe George will send me over something cool. Actually, I thought George had called me this morning to wish me a Happy Birthday, but it was just Pete Costello checking that I hadn't reconsidered and decided to retire today. I hadn't.

I got a wicked cool cake, though. It was a Pavlova, 'cause Janette reckons that's really Australian, and it had this poem iced on it:

Sixty-Four today
Hip-Hip Hooray
To a special Birthday Boy
And the countries that he helped destroy
The Liberal Party rules
The ALP are tools
Happy Birthday John
Now let's find another country to bomb!

Obviously, it was a big cake. Janette says she's going to slice up the rest and I can take it back to Canberra to share with my friends. Except for John Anderson, 'cause he brought Lamingtons on his birthday and didn't give me one. I reckon someone should explain to him what it being part of the coalition means: Being nice to me. What a meanie. Like I'd want his stupid National Party lamingtons, anyway.

Today I met a Palestinian bloke and I was supposed to talk about "road maps" with him. But I'm not really good with maps, 'cause I have a guy that drives me round where I need to be. Apparently this guy was from some place called Israel which is in a place called the Middle East which I think is somewhere in South America. Probably towards the centre of the Eastern part. Anyway, there's this problem over there, 'cause the Palestinian people reckon that Israel is theirs, but there are lots of Jewish people who also reckon Israel is theirs. I told him that was like how we have Australians and Aborigines here, only Australia is clearly ours, 'cause if it was theirs it'd probably be called "Aborigi", or something. I suggested that he start calling the place "Palestine" or something, and he might have more luck.

Everyone's being mean to me 'cause I might've said some things that weren't exactly true about Iraq trying to get stuff off Africa to make nuclear weapons. I dunno why anyone cares. I said stuff about asylum seekers chucking their kids out of boats which wasn't exactly true, either, and who except the ALP even remembers that any more? Everyone still knows that, like Iraqis, Asylum Seekers are evil. Plus, I was trying to convince Australians that we needed to go to war with Iraq and there wasn't exactly a whole lot of actual evidence supporting my case. What did people expect me to say?

Duh, Australia.

I'm so over Telstra. I wish we could just sell the bugger, already. Don't the losers in the bush get it? If we actually wanted to hear anything they have to say, then we'd give them decent phone and internet services. There's a reason we like to keep them disconnected from the rest of Australia. People from the country are so stupid. That's why the National Party are so good, though, 'cause it means we don't have to have stupid country people associated with the Liberal Party, but we still basically get their votes. The country has always been full of idiots, too. Like Clancy of the Overflow, who didn't bother to leave a forwarding address or email or anything, so no one could get in touch with the guy. And that Waltzing Matilda bloke who tried to steal a sheep by putting it in his bag. What a dickhead. I've got a pretty big briefcase that Janette bought me for my birthday last year, and all I can fit in it everyday is my lunch box and a spare pair of undies (just in case). As if you'd try and put a whole sheep in there. No wonder he drowned, the nong-head had a sheep strapped to his back. In fact, I reckon the smartest person to ever come out of the country wasn't even a person, it was Skippy the Kangaroo. How dumb must you be if a kangaroo is smarter than you? Skippy never complained about telephones, either.

Alex Downer says we're going to send troops to this place called the Solomon Islands. I'm not sure why. The US aren't, and they aren't part of the Axis of Evil. Alex reckons we were invited to send troops there 'cause the people there suck and are mean to the government, or something. I guess I can understand that, some of the people in Australia are mean to me, too. Like the ALP. Maybe I should make a deal with them: If we sort out the nasty pasties over there, the Solomon Islands have to send people over here to get rid of the ALP. Maybe they could even take the party back with them. I find islands are a very good place to put people you don't want.

It's official: I'm gonna be the PM for ever! Well, unless Labor win an election, but as if. The other night I made Pete Costello and John Anderson come into my office, and I've gone, "Pete, I know you've been working very hard to position yourself as the next leader of the Liberal Party, and you're a top bloke and stuff, but... I'M NOT GONNA RETIRE! HAHA, IN YOUR FACE, DERBRAIN! THINK YOU CAN STEAL MY JOB? NOT IN THIS LIFETIME! NER-NER NEE NER-NER!" And he was totally fighting back tears, and he goes, "So what? I didn't want to be the leader, anyway!" And then he ran out. Probably to cry.

At the moment, I'm heaps busy trying to find another Governor General. I need to find someone that everyone loves, so that when they stuff up, no one will care. I'm still not fully sure, but I've narrowed it down to a short list:

Don Bradman - Everyone loves the Don. I know he's dead, but that just means he couldn't say anything bad in the media, or make any mistakes. Is Don, is good.

Don Bradman's Cap - Not quite as good as the Don, but if people aren't ok with having a corpse as their GG, the cap'd be a good substitute. Of course, we'd have to rescue the thing from England, but it'd actually be a really good excuse for me to spend tax-payers money on bringing the cap back home to its rightful place: as our head of state.

Kylie - Yeah, I know, a chick, but she'd do wonders for our image. The only problem is that then Dannii would probably want to be GG, too. Actually, that gives me a good idea...

Johnny Young - Every public address could begin with "Close your eyes and I'll kiss you" (I could do the "oo-oo-oo" bit in the background). I always wanted to go on YTT back in the 70s, but apparently 35 was too old. I looked wicked cool in lemon slacks, too. I reckon I still do.

Dick Smith - I dunno if it's the glasses, but I reckon Dick is cool. Also, he has a funny name. I'd be able to say, "The Governor General is a Dick", and Janette couldn't tell me off.

Wow, the last week has been so tops! First off, I went to George's ranch is Texas, which was so cool. Well, Texas wasn't cool, 'cause it's pretty hot there. Why is it always so hot in the desert? George reckons it's 'cause there are less buildings to get in the way of the sun. I got to fly there on Air Force One and everyone was all "Ohhh, that's so exciting!" about it, but I don't get what the fuss is all about. I didn't even get a coloring book like on Qantas, and there wasn't an in-flight movie, or like, those repeats of Better Homes and Gardens that they play on domestic flights. Then I got to go to the baseball, which is sort of like cricket, only they don't wear zinc or rub the ball against their crotch. Then George said that I was a "man of steel"! That's like what they call Superman! So to pay him back the compliment, I said told him that he was "the ghost who walks". He gave me a weird look. Maybe he's not a Phantom fan. Next time I'll tell him that he "does whatever a spider can". Everyone loves Spiderman.

I also had to go to smelly England to see smelly Tony Blair. It was his birthday, and I didn't want to go to his party, but Janette said it'd be rude not to accept the invitation. Speaking of which, the invitations were Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ones, which are sooo uncool. I mean, I had them at my 50th birthday! What a smelly loser. So anyway, I went, and it was lame. We had to play "Ring-a-Ring-a-Rosie", and when we all fell down I bumped my knee. Then we played "Kiss Chasey" and I almost had to kiss John Prescott, but we decided that a friendly hand-shake would be better. And then, to top it all off, I didn't even get a lolly bag. What a sucky party.

For years I've been telling Simon Crean that everyone hates him, only it kind of wasn't true, 'cause there were still a few people who liked him, like the Labor Party and stuff. But now it's actually true! Everyone really does hate Simon Crean. And not just compared to me, either. They even prefer that der-brain Kim Beazley. When even a pack of losers like the ALP think you're a loser, then you must know that you're a loser. But just in case he was to stupid to realise it, I sent him a letter saying "You're a loser".

I'm definitely going to George's ranch now! But I also have to go visit a whole lot of other countries, too. And not even cool ones like Hawaii, but stupid ones like Europe. I also have to go to Asia, which sucks because they all wear masks over there now. I guess they think it's cool or something, but it so isn't. How can I go jogging with a mask over my face? The press photos will make me look stupid, which I know sounds impossible, but it could happen. Maybe I could bring my Darth Vader mask with me and use that instead. That's wicked cool. And then in all the press conferences I could be all, "The ability to destroy Iraq is insignificant next to the power of the Coalition." And they'd be all, "What?" (Because Asians are lame and probably haven't have seen Star Wars) And I'd be all, "Search your feelings, Asians, you know it to be true." And they'd be all, "What?" And I'd go, "If you only knew the power of the Dark side of the Coalition" And they'd go, "What?" And I'd go, "I sense something, a presence I've not felt since..." And then Janette would burst in and go, "Stop fooling around and do this press conference properly!" And I'd go, "Janette, you can destroy Saddam. He has foreseen this. It is your destiny, join me and together we can rule the galaxy as husband and wife." And then she'd give me that look and go, "I'll count to ten, John..." And then I'd do the press conference properly, because she's never gotten to ten before, but I'm afraid of what will happen if she does.

Things are so boring here with this war. I thought it'd be a lot more fun. I mean, the killing and the guns and stuff is all good, but every time the coalition does something stupid (and I'll bet it's always the British troops who muck up, too), the people who advise me on what to do reckon I should stay away from the media. So to pass the time, we're all trying to work out who gets first dibs on fixing up Iraq so it's a proper country with McDonalds and stuff after the war is over. I can't believe the UN reckon they should get a piece of the action. Like I told George Bush, if they didn't cause any the destruction in the first place, they shouldn't get to fix it up.

Speaking of George, I'm probably getting to go to his ranch next month! Janette and the people who advise me on stuff wouldn't let me go last time he asked me 'cause of some crap about Australian Troops or something, but apparently it's cool now! It'll be like Little House on the Prarie, only with less blind people. And hopefully not like the time Laura adopted a raccoon and it bit her and they thought she might have rabies. I hope we can play Cowboys and Indians, too. Only, I don't want to be an Indian 'cause I don't like curry or Asians or Kamahl. Though Janette reckons that Kamahl's from some place called Sri Lanka, which is so stupid, 'cause everyone knows that Sri Lanka is a cricket team, not a country. Women know nothing about sport. Thank God a man's the PM of this country, 'cause leaders need to be smart and know stuff about the world and about cricket.

It's here! It's finally here! This past week has been tops, I would've done one of these war things much sooner if I'd known how much fun they are. Like, Australian troops go over and kill all the bad people in Iraq so they can have peace, or whatever, and then every time something bad happens to an Aussie, I get to go on TV and be all, "Oh yeah, that sucks, I'm heaps sad about that... Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi Oi Oi!" And then everyone's all, "Oh, what a cool PM, he's really caring, and stuff." So when good things happen, it's good, and when bad things happen, it's good, too.

Plus I get to stay in Canberra, which is cool, 'cause Janette's not with me so I can stay up way past my bed time! Last night I had the cabinet over at the lodge, where we played "War on Terror". I got to be George Bush, so John Anderson got to be me, but he was pretty crap at it. We were gonna let Danna Vale be me, but everyone agreed it'd be pretty lame having a chick as a PM. So anyway, obviously no one wanted to be Tony Blair, so we took a chicken out of the fridge, drew some eyes on it, and it looked pretty much the same. Peter Costello was Saddam Hussein, Robert Hill was Osama Bin Laden, and Nick Minchin was Kim Jong-il. They just had to sit in the "Axis of Evil Secret Underground Lair" (under the dining table) laughing that "Mwahahahaha" laugh that only evil people do, until we dropped "bombs" (pillows) on them and took all the "oil" (jars of Vegemite). And then George Bush and I (who John Anderson was playing, but it still meant me) were proclaimed "Coolest Dudes in the World" and then everyone made Vegemite and Cheese Sandwiches, except me, 'cause I thought I'd stay in character and have one of those Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches I always hear about, only it didn't work for some reason. Maybe they don't use Aeroplane Jelly in the US.

Oh, and there was an election in NSW, or something.... I dunno, I didn't watch it.

It's sooooooo unfair! George Bush, Tony Blair and the Prime Minister of Spain (whoever that is) are all going away to some island together, and they didn't invite me! Janette says it's probably just because Australia's not on the Security Council, but I reckon it's because Tony Blair doesn't want me there, because he's a nasty pastie. I mean, they invited the Prime Minister of Spain! Spain's in like, Asia, or something. If they wanted an Asian, they could've at least invited someone from an important Asian country, like China or Brazil. I'll bet it was Tony who invited him, and I'll bet he only did it to spite me. He's such a mean bean.

So, anyway, they're going to be off having fun on this island... unless it's like "Survivor", I guess, 'cause those islands never look like so much fun. Except, I suppose if it really was like "Survivor", then I could vote Tony Blair off, and then that'd be really cool, because I'd be all, "Tony, the tribe has spoken." And he'd be all, "Waaaah, I'm crying, 'cause I'm a sooky baby!" And then everyone would laugh at him. He's such a loser. Apparently his own party doesn't even support him on the war stuff, whereas almost everyone in the whole of Australia supports me. I don't care what the polls say, the fact is that if Australians don't support me, then they'll vote me out at the next election. And seeing as they haven't yet voted me out at the next election, they clearly support me.

Hmph. I still hate not being invited, though. Maybe it's because I'm not cool enough. But Janette says I'm cool, and I'm fairly sure that I am, too. I dunno, maybe I'm so cool that Tony's scared of looking uncool compared to me. That's just stupid, 'cause he's gonna to look uncool no matter who he's around, even Asians like the Prime Minister of Spain. I hope George still thinks I'm cool. Last time I was there, he said I was. Well, like he said, "You look cold, do you need a jacket?" But that's pretty much the same thing. I don't even think he reckons Tony's cool, either, 'cause I was like, "So... whadda you reckon about Tony?" And he was like, "I don't know... why? Don't you like him, or something?" And I'm like, "Well, I dunno, do you like him?" So he's like, "I don't know... I don't like like him. Do you?" So I'm like "Well... not like like, but what about just like?" But he didn't answer, 'cause then we decided to get some sheets and make a cubby under his desk in that Oval Office, so he probably reckons Tony's heaps uncool, too.

But in that case, I should be the one going away to the island, and not Tony or the Asian! It's so unfair!

I had to spend my weekend hanging in New Zealand, and it was pretty lame. That country's a poor-man's Australia. Like, instead of Aboriginals who steal all the positions in the AFL from real Australians, they have these Ma...mao...mayo... these other foreigners that steal all the rugby jobs. Or like how we have a cricket team, and so do they, only theirs is crap. Or like how Australia has me, and New Zealand has a woman.

It was also lame 'cause for some reason, everywhere I went, there happened to be an anti-war protest going on at the same time. Like talk about bad timing! I just hope they didn't realise who I was. At least that's one thing that Australia and New Zealand has in common, though: The lefties in both countries suck. Though ours say, "No war in Iraq!", and theirs say "No war un Uruq!" It's still just as annoying, though. Only, 'cause they're losers, New Zealand doesn't support the war anyway, so maybe Australia can ship all our loser pacifists over there, so they can all hold hands and sing "Give Peace a Chance" (or "Guve Peace a Chunce") where no one else has to hear them. It'll be like the Pacific Solution, only with more sheep. And no one will whine about it, either, because the people getting sent away are exactly the same people who care about that human rights crap.

Man, I'm so smart with this politics stuff, I think tomorrow I'll try and work out a way of getting those Aboriginals out of Australia and back to where ever they came from.

What's all this crap that I keep hearing about the majority of Australians not wanting a War on Iraq? Hello? George Bush said that the Australian people support the War, and I think he'd know what he's talking about, he is like, the President of the World. Well, almost. Just because a few dickhead lefties want to stand around making our streets smell like their unwashed, hippy selves, and whining, "1,2,3,4, We whinge a lot, and we suck!" It makes no difference to me. We're still going to have our War, and it's not like any of them vote for real political parties, anyway.

See, that's what Democracy's all about: You vote me as your PM, so I can tell you what you think while you do more interesting things, like watching Neighbours, or whatever. Because I'm caring like that. It's a tough job, too, 'cause there are hundreds, maybe even thousands, of People in this country. And there are Muslims and Aboriginals, too. So like, right now, if you're a person, I can tell you that you're thinking, "I like War, and America, and I think that John Howard is a very attractive man." Or if you're a Muslim, you're thinking, "I am evil and I am now going to blow up a prominent Australian landmark and threaten Australia's way of life. I also suddenly have an unfounded fear of fridge magnets." Or of you're an Aboriginal, you're thinking, "Hmmm, why don't I go sponge of the Government some more?"

Speaking of Aboriginals, they finally got rid of some that stupid Tent Embassy! Thank God. I hope they pull the whole stupid thing down. It's so embarrassing when important foreign people would come round, and I'm trying to show them what Australia's really like, but there's all these Aboriginals in the way, and I say, "We don't know where they came from, but we sure didn't invite them here!" And they're like, "To Parliament House?" And I'm like, "No, to Australia." And it's not as if they have nice tents from like, K-Mart, or something, they're all ugly and old, and have those stupid dot paintings all over them. What's the deal with those paintings, anyway? Like people are all, "Oh, they're so great!" about them, but I can paint better than that! I could paint dots in when I was in Kinder, and these days I can do squares and triangles, too. When I was over in the US, George kept talking about a Pentagon, but I don't know much about that, because it's a pretty hard shape to paint, like, it has about seven sides, or something. I bet George can paint it, though. I guess that's why he's President of the World.

Oh Yeah! I'm The Man! Well no, I guess George Bush is The Man, but I'm definitely... a Man. Anyway, George said all this nice stuff about me in the media, like how we're really good mates, and how he thinks I'm tops and really smart, and how he wishes that he could move to Australia so he could see me more often. Well, ok, maybe not that last part, but I'll bet he does. He asked if there was anywhere I wanted to go while I was there, and I said Sesame Street, but he said he'd been searching for ages, and he still doesn't know where it is. So I didn't get to meet any funny-looking muppets, but I came close, 'cause then I had to go to England and hang to with Tony Bum-Face Blair (I'm not sure if that's his real middle name, but I reckon it should be). He's so boring. Like, he only wanted to talk about politics, and not only that, he actually laughed at me about one of Australia's biggest tragedies since Goff Whitlam was elected. That's right, he laughed about Shane Warne getting kicked out of the cricket for using drugs. So I was like, "Yeah? Well.... you suck!" And then I went and wrote "Tony Blair is as stupid! Australia Rulz!" on the bathroom wall of their Parliament. They'll never know that I did it, either, because I wrote "From Stupid Simon Crean" underneath, so he'll get the blame!

Today I had to meet with Megawa... uh, that Mega Indonesian chick (who's not really that "Mega", by the way. I mean, she's a little pudgy, but I'd say more "Rotund" than "Mega"), and she totally tried to make me look like a loser! She was making this speech, and she goes, "Both Indonesia and Australia are hoping to find a peaceful resolution for Iraq." And I'm like, "Are not!" Imagine George had've seen that, he'd reckon that I'm totally uncool. I don't want peace, how boring would that be? This war stuff's great, I get to hang out with George, I'm on TV all the time (and not just on Question Time, 'cause seriously, who watches that, anyway? I don't even listen to what's going on in Parliament, and that's my job!), and it's a really good excuse to make fun of people who look different to me, like Saddam Hussein, 'cause he has a moustache, and I don't, and who knows what weapons those Terrorists are hiding in their facial hair...

So I'm about to go on this totally big tour to America to hang out with George and his mates Donald and Colon (Simon Crean laughed at Colon's name, but I don't get it. He's probably just jealous that Colon doesn't want to hang out with him, 'cause he's such a nong. Simon, I mean, not Colon)! It's this heaps big deal, though, like I get a private dinner and a private meeting (and "private" means that Tony Blair won't be there). It's gonna be like being a rock star on tour, only I don't get to wear leather pants or trash hotel rooms (though once I was in a hotel, and I ate a fun-sized Snickers from the mini-bar and I chucked the wrapper on the floor! It was soooo funny! I'm surprised it didn't cause more of a scandal at the time).

The not-so-cool part of the tour, though, is hanging out with the losers from the UN, and pretending that I even want them in our war. Coffee's such a square, and he always make me talk about boring stuff like politics. Maybe I should bring my Gameboy and Pokemon cards so I have something to do while he yammers on about anything that isn't to do with bombs getting dropped on those Terrorists in Iraq. I mean, what could he talk to me about? I'm the one who's stopped Terrorism in Australia with my pre-emptive sending out of Terrorist Kits. Australia's leading the World in making and sending out anti-Terrorist Fridge Magnets, and we're clearly the most alert, but least alarmed, country around.

And I reckon we could become even more alert and even less alarmed, too. Like if Australians started carrying fridges with them wherever they go. Maybe just a bar fridge, or even an esky ('cause after all, we have to preserve the Australian way of life), but something where people can put up their anti-Terrorist Fridge Magnets, and be safe all day long. Think about it, not only would you be safe from Terrorists at work, but you could also keep your lunch nice and cold, too. And even if for some reason the Fridge Magnet wasn't keeping Terrorists away, you could always just throw your fridge at them.

It's all part of being alert but not alarmed. I don't want real Australians to have to change how they live, just because Foreign people suck, I just want them to do the responsible thing by their country by hauling a Kelvinator around with them all day.

You know, sometimes it sucks not being the "Super Power" like George Bush is, but then sometimes it's kind of cool. Like, with this whole war, of course it's heaps cool, but then when people are like, "Uh, dude, it's so not cool!", then I can be all, "Well, it's not me, I'm not commited to it, or anything, but George is, and y'know, he's a mate", but then if they're like, "Oh yeah! Go war! What a rockin' idea!", then I can be like, "Well, it was my idea. I mean, George came up with the War on Iraq itself, but I came up with... stuff. Like if you see t-shirts with "What Would George Do?" printed on them, that was all my idea." And then people think I'm even cooler, 'cause I'm like, creative and stuff.

Anyway, if I was a "Super Power", then I'd want really cool special powers, too. And a cape. And maybe a mask, too. I'm not sure about wearing my jocks on the outside during Parliament, though. Probably just a green and yellow one-piece lycra bodysuit, or something. Y'know, if I was leader of the Free World and had Kung-Fu grip, I'd have to keep it tastefull.

Yesterday I took a break from my holidays to have a bit of fun by going back to work. I got to talk about the war all day long, which was totally rad, but 'cause he's such a spaz, Simon Crean was whinging that I "talk up war" too much, or something. As if. I mean, if there's a war coming up, then why can't I talk about war? And he's gotta face the fact that we're going to have a war, 'cause George Bush says we need to have a war, and so we're gonna be part of that war, and of course I'm gonna be talking about war a little bit, 'cause I'm the PM and I have to talk about war, 'cause talking about war is my job. He's just jealous, 'cause he doesn't get to talk about war, and I do get to talk about war, so really I'm just talking about war as much as any normal person talks about war, but 'cause he's a sook, he just thinks I'm talking about war more than most people talk about war, when in actual fact, I'm not talking about war any more than I'd normally talk about war.

Speaking of war, why's it taking so bloody long? All this stuff with the UN... weapons reports and all that -- why bother? Like, does anyone actually care what the UN think? That Coffee guy's really annoying, too, and what a stupid name. Clearly we're just gonna go ahead with the war, regardless of what Coffee and that Hands guy (and seriously, who's naming these people? Maybe we'd take the UN more seriously if they had sensible names like, oh, Robert Menzies or Don Bradman, or something) reckon, so why not just cut them out all together? I guess George knows what he's doing, after all, he's a pretty smart bloke, but I'm getting really impatient!

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