John Howard: Prime Minister

What a totally wicked week! George's visit is now officially The Greatest Moment in Australia's History Since the Whitlam Dismissal™. And it would've been perfect if that stupid dumb idiot Bob Brown hadn't tried to stuff things up. What a lame-o. George was in Parliament giving this great speech (for real, 'cause like, Parliament is normally soooooo boring when I'm not speaking), and Bob Brown stands up and starts yelling about some "Australian" terrorists that George is going to kill for us, or whatever. First of all, they're clearly not really Australian if they're terrorists, because that's totally un-Australian and everyone knows that terrorists are all foreigners, and secondly, I reckon it's great that they're in prison there, 'cause they have the death penalty. I wish we could send all the foreigners here off to Guantanamo Bay. So shut up, Bob Brown. Keep your stupid communist views to yourself. It was totally embarrassing. Fortunately, George made this really funny joke about free speech. I didn't get it, but I laughed anyway, 'cause I didn't want him to think I wasn't smart, or anything.

Also, it was great that the Australian media weren't allowed to speak to George. I mean, there are some cool and smart journos like Andrew Bolt and Piers Ackerman who are totally even-handed and fair, but then there are stupid loser journos like Phillip Adams and Kerry O'Brien who are just totally biased and lame. I reckon that it was better that we let un-biased and neutral journalists like CNN cover the event. Because everyone knows that it's un-Australian if you're not egalitarian (which Janette says means "non-discriminatory", which she says means "equal"). CNN are very egalitarian, so they're very Australian. But Phillip Adams and Kerry O'Brien aren't very Australian at all. We should send them to Guantanamo Bay.

I reckon the best part of The Greatest Moment in Australia's History Since the Whitlam Dismissal™ was the barbeque at the Lodge. There were some top blokes there like Kerry Packer, Mark Taylor, and Steve Irwin. We also had to bring in a few token minorities, too, because that's part of being egalitarian and therefore Australian. So to kill two birds with one stone, this Aboriginal chick, Jackie Huggins, got to come. She was so typical: "Can I please have a snag?" "Can you please pass the tomato sauce?" "Where's the bathroom?" It's always "me, me, me" with these Aboriginals, they want everything handed to them on a paper plate. Thank God Amanda Vanstone was there to do her job (though man can that woman scoff down lamb-chops). She said, "Look, Jackie, paper napkins don't grow on trees. You can't just go through life expecting hand-outs from this government." At first I was a little worried about giving a woman something as important as the Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs portfolio, but clearly she's the right man for the job.

Barbequing the food was a bit of a problem, but as always, George stepped in to save the day. See, I always reckon you should prick the snags with a fork before cooking them, but Pete Costello reckoned you shouldn't so they can cook in their own juices. Then the GG, Michael Jeffery stepped in and said that you need to fry them in a bit of a beer, and that we all had to do what he said because it's in the constitution. So Pete threw some coleslaw at him. And then he threw some bread rolls at me. So Janette told them that they both had to have time out. But Michael said that he's the GG and she can't tell him what to do so nya, and so I was going to call up Queen Liz to dob on him. But just at the last minute, George stepped in and said, "Hey Fellas, don't go off with your pistols half cocked! Seems like ya'll don't know whether to scratch your watches or wind your butts! Now, I'm the leader of the free world, so I'll show ya'll how we do things in a real democracy!" So George took the tongs off me, got one of his guards to bring in a blow torch, and he cooked the snags himself. Then he made Michael and Pete clean up all the char left on the barbeque, 'cause they really should've done it his way from the beginning. Then he sold the snags back to us at the bargain-basement price of $1.50 each. Well, he didn't give one to Jackie Huggins, but we explained to her that the "trickle-down effect" would mean that she'd still get one.

Then Janette made us an awesome "Axis of Treacle" dessert which was filled with a mix of cream and jam that she called "Coalition of the Filling".