Just got back from APEC. This year it was in this place called Chilly which is in this country called South America, except it's nothing like Real America, 'cause it's full of poor foreign people. Like Centrelink. At APEC meetings, they always make us wear some lame costume and then they take this class photo of us all. Janette always insists on doing my comb-over in the morning and stands behind the photographer mouthing "SMILE" at me, 'cause she likes to get prints made to send to the relatives. It's SO embarrassing, especially this year, 'cause the costumes were these poncho things. Ponchos are like tops but with only a hole for you head. I guess people in Chilly are too poor to afford sleeves. Anyway, they were heaps ugly, even though Janette kept saying what a "handsome boy" I was. Well, I guess I can't deny that, but I dunno why I can't just wear a nice suit or cardie. This is George and me in our ponchos:



George is saying to me, "That blue really brings out the colour in your beautiful eyes, John." Oh wait, no, that was a dream. Really, he was telling me about the "Kick Me" sign he stuck on the back of Helen Clarke's poncho, but I know how hot I look in blue, and I could tell he'd noticed. After the photo, we cut our ponchos into Superman capes, but that was a bit of a problem, 'cause as everyone knows, I am the Man of Steel, but George wanted to be Superman, too, and y'know, he IS President of the world. I didn't wanna fight, though, so I agreed to be Jimmy Olsen... on the condition that Jimmy Olsen also got to wear a cape and had superpowers. Paul Martin was a little pissed about being Lex Luthor until Vladimir Putin offered to swap him for Lois Lane and he decided it wasn't that bad after all. See, International Politics isn't that hard at all. WE managed to come to decisions that we all agreed to. The UN must just be spazzes. Maybe I'll have a crack at negotiating that Middle East thingo next.

Hooray, George is back! I mean, I guess I knew no one in America was gonna vote for a spaz-head like Kerry, but it's still totally exciting. Plus now getting re-elected this year is another thing we have in common. Sometimes I just can't believe how alike George and I are, like how we're both blokes, and how we're both conservative, and how we're both white, and both Christians... I mean, what are the odds of two people with those characteristics both ending up running countries? That's how I know George and I have a special friendship, and that it was meant to be. I mean, obviously we can't always spend that much time together, and sometimes he doesn't return my phone calls, and sometimes he plays this game where he pretends to forget my name, but I understand that's just 'cause he's heaps busy saving the world. Our relationship is just so close that I understand that while he can't always be there for me, he still cares. See, George is like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Like, in every generation, there is a chosen one. He alone will stand against the terrorists, the lefties and the forces of darkness. He is the President. And I'm like Angel. He's ALSO off fighting badies, but Buffy is usually too busy to hang out with him and so he lives somewhere different, but Angel understands that, and they still get it on every time they see each other. It's totally the same with George and me. Well, George isn't a chick, and I'm not a vampire, and we don't get it on, but apart from that, it's like they've put our lives on TV.

Parliament's back. Normally I love it, but 'cause of the election, all the new kids have arrived and they're SUCH attention seekers. Like, everyone thinks Malcolm Turnbull is so cool, and everyone wants to be his friend, and they give him bits of their lunches, and it's all "Malcolm this" and "Malcolm that". He's such a show-off. He turns up every day with a new suit and he has a whole new set of Derwents and a Yu Gi Oh pencil case. Janette said there was nothing wrong with my old Faber Castels and Powerpuff Girls pencil case and that no one else would care what kind of stationery I was using. Clearly Janette knows nothing about politics. Pete Costello has a whole SpongeBob SquarePants stationery set, and now he and Malcolm hang out together every lunchtime. It's not fair. I'm the PM, everyone should want to hang out with ME. Ian Macdonald said he thought my pencil case was really "neat". My life is over.

Speaking about lives being over, abortion is nasty and wrong. 'Cause like, killing is bad and stuff. People are saying we shouldn't be telling chicks what to do, but that's news to me, 'cause I thought the idea of being in Government was that we tell people what they can and can't do. And I reckon they shouldn't be killing. It's un-Australian. In totally unrelated news, the troops in Iraq have now gone full-on hardcore sick on this one city. They're just totally shooting and bombing the crap out of it. I like watching all the explosions and things blowing up on TV. It's like a movie, but real. I love seeing good triumph over evil.

So this new Indonesian President Bangbang Somethingorother had this party the other week and I didn't get an invitation, but clearly he meant to invite me, so I went anyway, and I was like, "Why didn't I get an invitation?" And he was all, "Oh uhm... it must have er, got lost in the mail.. or uh, maybe Helen Clarke was supposed to tell you about it or... something." So it was clearly just a misunderstanding. LAME party, though. No pass the parcel, fairy bread, lolly bags, or even Twister. Also, the food was supposed to be Asian or something, but I didn't recognise any of it. Dan, the bloke who runs our local Fish n Chip place is Asian, and I eat his food heaps, so I know all about Asian food. But these people didn't have Dim Sims or even Chiko Rolls. I asked Bangbang if he knew Dan, but he said he didn't. I guess that's fair enough, though, 'cause Asia is a pretty big country.

The ALP has picked their new shadow ministry, and you might reckon I would care, but I do, 'cause it's actually heaps important. I mean, it won't change anything in politics - just a few different faces whinging on Lateline every night - but it's pretty important to our lunch time kanga cricket matches. Wayne Swan and Stephen Smith have moved way up the bench, and while they can both really wield a cricket bat, they're also both willing to screw over Mark for a bit of personal glory, so I'm not too worried. Plus, the newbies on his bench are both chicks. Dunno WHAT he was thinking there. Mark may think it's ok to play sport with chicks, but in the Coalition, we have principals and standards and know that it just isn't safe. We take risks like girl germs very seriously. But what would you expect? If the ALP can't manage the economy, then how can they manage a cricket team?

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The Coalition is in da house... Parliament House! I am now officially the greatest PM in the history of the universe! I kicked so much arse in the election, and I reckon that I'm just gonna be PM for ever and ever and ever. Even when I'm dead, Australians will elect my corpse over the Australian Loser Party, 'cause they will know that my corpse has a proven track record and that it will keep interest rates low. Speaking of which, that was one of the best parts of this election. I reckon that the whole interest rate thing really showed how heaps smart Australians are. 'Cause like, even though every economist in the country said that they wouldn't rise under the Loser Party, Aussies were smart enough to listen to me instead. That's 'cause Australians know I'm honest and reliable and stuff.

Another great part of the election was the forest thing. I was all, "Ooh, I care about trees now." So Mark went, "Yeah? Well I care about trees even MORE! I love trees. I want to have babies with them." And then I went "Ha! Psych! I don't care about trees at ALL, you hippy." And all the people in Tasmania realised that I'm cool and Mark drools.

It was also funny seeing how everyone hates the Democrats now. Andrew Bartlett is such a lame goth, I bet he's at home right now drawing tears on his face with an eye pencil and listening to his Mandy Kane albums and being all "Woe is me". Yes Andrew, woe IS you. Andrew is totally woe.

It's a bit sad that Ross Cameron isn't gonna be around any more. He'd always come into Parliament on a Monday with the wildest stories about his Saturday nights. Rosso is a total stud. And also, y'know, a good family man, and stuff.

So here's to another three years of Coalition fun. I totally rule. Literally.

Special Guest Entry by First Lady Janette Howard

Hello there dears, it's Janette here. I know the Australian public do not get to hear me speak much, as I am a lady of few words and I do believe very firmly that a woman's place is in the home and not on a soapbox. However, I thought on this very special occasion of Election Eve that I would break my silence and share my thoughts with Australia.

We are all very proud of everything our little John has achieved over the past three years. From the War in Iraq to the Anti-Gay Marriage legislation, John's kindness and love of egalitarianism have really shone through. He is such a creative boy, too. When John brought home his first Anti-Terrorist Fridge Magnet from Parliament, I put it right up on the fridge with his finger paintings.

We also had the fortune of having John's little friend George coming to stay with us. He is such a bright lad. He and John just get along splendidly, playing G.I. Joe and watching Star Wars together. They have even worked out a special Free Trade Agreement between Australia and the United States, and it is just lovely to see boys overcoming cultural differences to bond like that. I have no doubt that they will remain pen-pals forever.

Speaking of friends, I am continually pleased with the nice boys that John is friends with. Alexander is a charming lad, Philip is such a lively chap, and Peter is so supportive of John's leadership and never grumbles about being in second place. Sometimes I worry about John mixing with the wrong crowd, yet every time something bad happens in the Government or someone does something wrong, John is never involved and never knows anything about it. I think it is because he has such a strong sense of right and wrong.

I am sure John will do very well in the election tomorrow and make us all so proud. However, I do hope he wins, as I've grown so very attached to Kirribilli.

So the ALP think they can beat "Medicare Plus" with "Medicare Gold", but just wait until WE unveil "Medicare II: Electric Boogaloo". That'll learn 'em. And if they try and beat that, then we'll just have to bring out the big guns - "Super Medicare Mega Ultra Pro XP Times Infinity Plus One And No Returns". Let's see Mark Latham ease the squeeze on THAT. Labor's plan is lame anyway. Like, what's the point in giving free health care to old people? They're just going to die anyway, and dead people don't vote. It'd be better to give free health care to rich, young people. 'Cause rich people actually pay taxes, so tax money should be spent on them. Poor people don't pay, so they shouldn't get anything back. That's fair, and Australia is an egalitarian country, after all. Plus like, if more poor people die, then Australia will be a richer country. Now THAT is an economic plan. I wasn't the treasurer for over five years for nothing, you know.

I'm getting so over people coming up and asking me, "When are you gonna go on Rove?" As if I would. It's on past my bedtime, anyway, but Janette says that Rove boy is a nasty pastie, and that if I went on his show he'd be mean to me. I don't trust Channel Ten, anyway. I trust Packer and Stokes, but who knows what goes on at that network? They're even letting gay homosexuals kiss on "Neighbours", now. I remember when that show was decent, but it totally jumped the shark when Bouncer died. Now Channel Nine, there is a network I'll appear on. "60 Minutes", "A Current Affair", "Mornings With Kerri-Anne"... I'd even go on "Dr Phil". Actually, Dr Phil is heaps rad. I applied to have us be one of those "Dr Phil Families", but they said we didn't have enough problems, or something. But that's totally wrong, 'cause like, Janette is always telling me off for playing too much X-Box, or being naughty in Parliament. Melanie, Tim and Richard can be totally out of control, too. Like once Tim didn't wear a tie with his suit to a Young Libs function! We were sooo embarrassed! And there was Melanie's wild years, when she started wearing nail polish, and once even said the word "crap". I was like, "Uh-maaah, I'm telling!" And I dobbed on her to Janette. So we could totally be a Dr Phil Family.

So now that I'm like, against logging or something, I'm totally green and stuff. Ha, take THAT, Greens. I'm greener than the Greens. I'm so green that if I was sitting in the House of Reps right now, you wouldn't even be able to tell the difference between me and the chairs. I'm so green that I ate ALL my broccoli and silver beat at dinner last night... though that was mainly because Janette said that if I didn't, she wouldn't let me listen to John Laws for a whole week. I'm so green that when I saw a Wilderness Society koala yesterday, I didn't kick it OR yell naughty words at it. Because koalas are an endangered species, and Wilderness Society koalas are probably even MORE endangered, 'cause they don't even have them in zoos, or anything, and they're always asking for money, so they're probably all dying from starvation and poverty and stuff. See? I'm so green that I care about koalas. Well, I don't care about the koalas themselves, I guess, but I care about the votes I can steal from the Nazi Communist Greens by pretending I do, and that's almost the same thing.

But now Stupid Mark Latham is trying to be even more green than me by saying he'll fill up some river. Whatever, Mark. Like, rivers are blue. Well, this one is kind of brown. It isn't green like me, though. Besides, I can so fill a river better than him. People are all down on global warming and stuff, but duh, when water levels rise, then ALL the rivers will be full. It'll probably wipe out those pesky terrorist jails on Nauru and Christmas Island, too. Now THAT is sustainability. I watched Captain Planet, I know about the environment. If things go wrong, we can just go to Hope Island and find Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, and she'll fix things. Gaia was totally hot, too.

And people say I don't care about the environment. Sigh. It's not easy being green.

Ugh, I had to do that stupid debate with Mark Latham today. I forget how boring politics can be sometimes. Like, in Parliament I only have to get up and speak every so often, and the rest of the time I can just sit back and play snake on my mobile, or draw biro tattoos on my arm or whatever. But one hour of discussing politics without even getting ad breaks? Yawn. Mark kept using all these dorkus catch phrases, like "ease the squeeze". I've watched Burgo's Catchphrase, too, y'know, and I can make up catch phrases that'll have the ALP totally spewing. Just wait until my "Look 'em in the eye, and tell 'em a lie" and "Join the push to support George W. Bush" campaigns are unveiled. Not to mention the equally catchy "Mark Latham is a stupid loser, and everyone hates him because he's stupid and he smells, and I'm cool and he drools" initiative. The debate was also crap 'cause they had this stupid panel of journalists asking us questions. It was such a hassle 'cause it meant that I had to twist things around to what I wanted to talk about all the time. And like, the only proper journo on the panel was Neil Mitchell, anyway. At least they didn't have that der-brain Kerry O'Brien there, ruining a quality program like 60 Minutes with his stupid left-wing bias.

Speaking of stupid lefties, what's with people suddenly caring about those far out crazy communist Greens? Their policies are just gosh darn kooky! Not only do they want us to give our kids ecstasy, ride bikes everywhere, and all become emaciated vegos, they ALSO want us to perform regular ritual sacrifices of virgins, make nudity compulsory, and tar and feather anyone who's ever even stepped on an ant. That's what Alex Downer said his wife's best friend's hairdresser's plumber read on the internet, anyway. They're totally nuts. I guess that's what happens when you don't eat meat, and spend all day smoking weed and playing hacky-sack, though. Once during lunchtime at Parliament, we were playing cricket against some of the minor party members, and Bob Brown goes, "If it hits a tree, do you have to catch it with one hand?" And I was like, "But if it hits the tree, won't you wanna go and hug and kiss the tree better?" And he goes, "I dunno, John. What are you gonna do if it hits a Bush?" So I was like, "Yeah? Well... ya mum!" Ha, I totally burnt him hardcore. See, that's why I own the whole country, and he has to live in Tasmania.

Shut up, Mike Scrafton. Children Overboard is sooo 2001. Like, I tell so many lies, as if I'm supposed to remember the details of just one lie that happened years ago. And now Labor are saying that I've lied 27 times, which is such crap. I've lied way more times than that. I mean, I lie at least once a day, and that's usually just when Alex Downer asks, "Does my bum look big in this?" Credit where credit's due, please. As if Australians care about lies, anyway. If they can pretend that Ian Thrope is straight, they can pretend a bunch of terrorists from some loser country chucked their kids out of a boat. How was I supposed to know what was on that video, anyway? It's not like I paid attention. I like videos about boats and the ocean and stuff, but that one was just crap. You know what was a good boat film? Pirates of the Caribbean. If there were more pirates in the children overboard thingo, I would've paid more attention. Also maybe if one of the terrorists on the boat was played by Johnny Depp. He's so dreamy... uh, I mean that in a totally heterosexual way, of course. Once we were playing pirates during lunch time at Parliament, and Mark Latham came up and wanted to play, and I was like, "Ok, you can be Captain Sook!" It was SO funny. Well, it was until he beat me up and stole all the Iced VoVos from my lunch box.

So I finally called the election today. Man, Democracy is such a hassle, it'd be so much easier if I could just be PM for ever and ever. Elections are so much work, too - kissing babies, making speeches, pretending you care about people and stuff. At least we can stop disguising our ads as public service announcements now, I guess. Even I am getting sick of those Medicare ones. I mean, we spent $22 million on them, and all they came up with was, "I. Hear. There. Have. Been. Changes. To. Medicare. What. Are. They." If I'd known they were just gonna get a boring drip to speak in a monotonous voice, I would've got Neil Andrew to do it for free.

Happy birthday to ME! I'm the birthday boy! Janette says that being 65 also makes me a big boy, but it meant I had a big decision to make. I could stay on as the ruler of Australia, leader of the Liberal Party, and being all powerful and stuff... or I could retire and get a Seniors Card. It was a tough decision to make, 'cause like, senior's meals, cheap movie tickets, and cheap bus fares are hard to turn down. But then I realised that it wasn't fair to deprive the country of having me as the PM, so I decided to stay on. Also, it's funny watching Pete Costello suffer. He came to my birthday party, but I reckon it was only 'cause his wife made him. He was a total sooky-sooky-la-la all day, and he wouldn't play musical chairs or British bulldogs (though that ended up being a pretty good choice, 'cause Amanda Vanstone spear-tackled me heaps hard and I scraped my knee and she said I was crying, but I wasn't, and besides, it was my birthday and I could cry if I wanted to. Not that I did). He did play pass the parcel, but got all huffy when I got a Sailor Moon pencil case, and all he got was a Dragon Ball Z sticker. He asked if I'd swap, and when I said no, he was all, "Figures." Then when I was eating a piece of my Birthday cake (Jannette made it in the shape of a Deputy Sheriff's badge!), he was all, "So you're gonna have your cake and eat it too, are ya?" And I was like, "Uhm... yes."

I got a great haul, though. Like:

• Three new cardigans
• Shannon Noll's CD (thanks, John Anderson... not)
• Cowboy Dress-ups
• A Lord of The Rings DVD (we all reckon that Phil Ruddock looks like Gollum and Alex Downer looks like Frodo. I reckon that I look like Aragorn)
• The 9/11 Commission Report
• Two new Robert Menzies posters
• A new bright yellow kanga cricket set
• A t-shirt with "I run the country and I vote" on it
• A St George beanie

What I'd really wanted was some wicked gangsta gear, like a chain necklace with a big diamond-studded "JH" hanging off it, and a shirt with "I put the 'PM' in 'PIMP'" on it. But Janette was all, "Think of what people will say!" I told her people would say, "Day-um! J.Ho's got some fine-ass bling happenin'. He the Mac Daddy!" But I got into trouble for saying "ass". I told her it wasn't that different from Phil Ruddock's Amnesty International badge, but she wouldn't listen.

It's so unfair, I'm 65, I'm not a little kid anymore.

I'm sooo excited! Alex Downer said the other day that he reckons the War On Terror™ is gonna keep going for at least a generation. That's so rad. Imagine - Coalition Government after Coalition Government, lying and fear-mongering for years to come... even when I retire, it's totally awesome to know that my legacy will live on and on and on. Man, I'm getting all excited just thinking about it! If Australians think they saw scare tactics, propaganda, and paranoia during the Cold War, they're gonna be totally blown away by the stuff we'll come up with. I'm already coming up with some "Red under your bed" style catchphrases. I'm thinking like, "Is there a member of al-Qaeda behind your heater?" "Is that a member of Jemaah Islamiah serving you a beer?" "Is that your dad planning an Islamic Jihad?" I'm so heaps clever.
 
So apparently this fat American communist guy called Michael Moore was bagging me on 60 Minutes. Who does he think he is? 60 Minutes is where I go to spout political propaganda and thinly disguise it as an interview. Hands off. Besides, since when is it ok for Americans to comment on Australian politics? And he was all, "What is John Howard doing in bed with Bush?" How does HE know about that? Seriously, it was one time at George's ranch when we wanted to have a sleepover, and it was totally innocent. Honestly, George has a really big bed, AND we slept head-to-tails, so really, it was like we weren't in bed together at all. I swear. We're just normal, totally straight guys, who once snuck some Barbeque Shapes and Ribena into George's bedroom and ended up sleeping in the same bed. And like, we were as far away from each other as we could possibly have been. I almost fell out of the bed, I was that far away from George. But we were totally just blokes being blokes. In fact, I'm pretty sure we mainly talked about how hot our wives are, and sport, and blokey stuff like that. In FACT, I'm pretty sure we also talked about how totally unappealing we find men, and especially each other.
 
So really, Michael Moore doesn't know what he's talking about. I mean, where did he get his information from? ASIS? 'Cause seriously, they don't know anything. Fo' real.

Bloody greedy un-Australian Australians. We do a totally nice, generous, caring thing like pork-barrelling to win votes from poor people by paying them $600 for having kids, and now some people who weren't supposed to receive the bribe did anyway, and they won't give it back. They're being heaps selfish, because we already bribed them with tax-cuts. Man, buying people's votes is HARD. Like, we could make them pay the money back, but then what if they don't like us anymore? It's sorta like how I give Amanda Vanstone half my lamingtons every day, so she protects me from getting beaten up by Mark Latham. But like, if I went back to benching her in kanga cricket every lunch time and calling her "Fatty Fat Fatty" like I did before Mark was on the scene, I'm not sure she'd be so willing to give him a nipple-cripple for me every morning. I guess the lesson is that even though you can only please all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, all of the people have a price.

Speaking of fat people, it turns out that kids in Australia are too fat, 'cause they don't spend enough time gazing adoringly at the Australian flag, or something. I personally have an intense daily fitness regime that keeps me in such good shape: As soon as I get up, I recite a pledge of allegiance to Australia, followed by all 5 verses of "Advance Australia Fair". Then, with my hand over my heart, I apply myself to at least a good solid half-hour of flag gazing. If it's a weekend, Janette and I get a great workout singing "Waltzing Matilda", "Still Call Australia Home", and other patriotic classics. Sometimes if I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, I'll also belt out a rousing rendition of "God Save the Queen". The way to an Australian's stomach is through their heart. Nothing gets kids shedding those kilos like patriotism. And y'know, exercise too, I guess. But mainly patriotism.

Wait, it just occured to me that if we'd taken AWAY $600 per child, families wouldn't have been able to feed their kids, and we'd have fixed the obesity problem.

Damn. Wish I'd thought of that earlier.

What an awesome week! After meeting with The Terminator, I went to the US captial, George Washington, and hung out with George Bush. It was awesome, 'cause he totally bagged out Mark Latham. I was like, "There's this lame guy at home and he's mean to me and he sucks and is lame." And so George went to this press conference and said, "There's this lame guy in Australia called Mark Latham, and he's mean and lame." Or something like that. Anyway, the point is that George rules and Mark Latham drools. I should so turn that into a t-shirt.

Speaking of Latham, apparently he's trying to get that bald hippy from Midnight Oil to run for the ALP. Like that's so original. Athol Guy from The Seekers was a Liberal member of Parliament for ages. The Seekers - now that's REAL music. Peter Garrett just hangs around with Aborigines and dances like a spaz. Maybe it's time we got another Australian musical legend running for us in the next election. Like Rolf Harris. He could probably do a rad theme song to get us through all this prisoner abuse crap, too, like, "Lie when the senate review's around, sport".

So the communists at the ABC are trying to turn kids into gay homosexuals by showing them lesbians on Playschool. Typical. Now there'll be five year-old gay couples trying to get married and adopt children so they can destroy their lives by raising them with same-sex parents. Clearly the ABC didn't get the memo that we're trying to encourage homophobia for the upcoming election. I'll never be able to listen to Benita and John sing "Two Little Dickey-Birds" in the same way again.

Oh my God! Oh my GOD! Today I got to meet The Terminator! It turns out that he's also the Governor of California. I told The Terminator how Janette wouldn't let me see T2, 'cause she said it was too violent and would give me bad dreams. But then last year, Alex Downer and I snuck down to Video Ezy and hired it and then told our wives we had to stay late at Parliament, but actually we watched T2 in my office! And it was so cool, except for the violent bits which did give me nightmares, but it was sooo worth it. Well, I didn't tell him about the nightmares, 'cause I didn't want The Terminator to think I wasn't cool and tough, but I reckon he was heaps impressed at how naughty Alex and I had been. I reckon The Terminator is such an inspiration - he was born a cyborg, but he didn't let that hold him back, and now he's a politician like me. America really is the land of opportunity. I told him that I thought it was rad that Californians didn't mind that he wasn't totally human and were willing to accept his cyborg characteristics, like his monotone voice and lack of emotions. He said that in an insane world, he was the sanest choice.

So people are getting all angry at me for lying about how the government knew about the US being mean to the terrorists in Iraq. But like duh, there's an election coming up. I have certain responsibilities. And also, why are they surprised? I've been lying to the Australian public for years. It's called fear-mongering, and all the other leaders are doing it. The left just need to get with the times. This is 2004 - RnB is the new rock, red, white, and blue is the new black, and blatant lying is the new competent leadership. A good PM is a hip PM, peeps. Word.

Some people are never satisfied. Like, they always whinge if we don't try and stop evil people overseas and stuff, so we go and give the terrorists in Iraq democracy and freedom and all that, and they whinge about THAT. It's not our fault that terrorists hate freedom, you know. And sometimes the only way to get a person to love freedom is by locking them naked and blindfolded in a a room, and then sodomising them with a broom handle. Because Australians don't cut and run. We WILL win their hearts and minds, even if we have to murder them in the process. Besides, people need to remember that they're still better off than they were under Saddam. They're getting the same kind of democratic treatment that Australians enjoy in Guantanamo Bay.

So once again we've come up with a totally rad budget. Of course, the stupid opposition and the communist Greens whinged that we're only giving tax cuts to the rich, but like, duh. Rich people work hard and stuff, so they deserve more money. Lazy poor people don't deserve anything. Plus rich people vote for us and poor people don't. What's the point in rewarding people who don't even like us? Until poor people learn to love us, we're gonna keep screwing them. Just like the Iraqis.

So not only is Mark Latham a liar liar pants on fire, he's ALSO a copycat from Ballarat. He totally nicked a speech he did from some American president who wasn't George Bush. What a loser. But that's why I own this country - 'cause I come up with my own totally original ideas. Like visiting troops in Iraq on an important day for a rad press stunt. And outlawing gay marriage. I'm a total visionary. But Mark just copies everything. Like wearing glasses? And a suit and tie? I've been doing that for years. Now everyone's doing it. And pulling troops out of Iraq has already been done, too. Mark totally ripped that off those communists in Spain. He's even agreeing with MY policies. Like, now he ALSO thinks gay homosexuals shouldn't get married? Whatever, Mark. Way to be an opposition leader. Not.

Anyway, that Iraq trip was such a drag. It turns out that Iraq is a totally lame place to visit. Like, there's all this war there. Huh. And I mean, ANZAC Day already kind of sucks, 'cause I always have to get up so early and stuff, but Iraq is like this total other country, so I had to get up mega early. And they always play that heaps dull song on the trumpet. Every. Single. Year. Can't they get some new material? No one even laughed when I yelled out, "Play Freebird!" AND we didn't get ANZAC biscuits! I mean, Janette put a few in my lunch box, but I got hungry on the plane and ate them before I got to Iraq. But what kind of a crap country doesn't have ANZAC biscuits? I've gotta say, as far as public holidays go, ANZAC Day is no Australia Day. Also, there's a reason Andrew Daddo never visits Iraq on Getaway: it's crap. Iraq, I mean, not Getaway. That show is awesome. Well, except for when they have that Aboriginal guy. Typical Aboriginal, stealing a job from an Australian.

Anyway, next ANZAC Day, I think I'll just go to Hawaii, or something.

Mark Latham is a total liar liar pants on fire. He reckons that an intelligence agency told him that pulling our troops out of Iraq by December was a good idea. But as if, 'cause intelligence agencies are heaps smart -- intelligent, even -- and as we all know, our troops have to stay in Iraq to get the job done. Smart intelligence agency blokes know that. But 'cause Mark is stupid, he doesn't realise that by "get the job done", I don't mean making Iraq a not crap place for those terrorists to live. I mean winning the next Federal election. Der, Mark, you stupid lying stupid-head. Plus, if we didn't have troops in Iraq, George Bush might not want to be my mate anymore, just like Pete Costello probably wouldn't sit next to me at morning tea if I didn't give him my Fruit Roll-up every day. Stupid lying Mark eats Le Snacks for morning tea, 'cause he's a stupid French-loving liar.

Stupid Mark also said that the war against Iraq is like the Vietnam War. That's just stupid, though, 'cause Iraq and Vietnam are like totally different countries. I bet Stupid Mark doesn't even know anything about the Vietnam War. I know heaps, though, 'cause I've seen "Forrest Gump" at least three times, and that's a true story and everything. Forrest Gump was this guy who was a top bloke, 'cause he was good at sports and stuff, and then he went to war. But this war wasn't anything like the war in Iraq, 'cause there were no terrorists and they were in this place with beaches and palm trees and stuff. I think it might have been Hawaii. Anyway, it clearly was nothing like Iraq, 'cause the media were allowed to have heaps of access and freedom and stuff. When I told Stupid Mark that, he said that if I want watch something about the Vietnam War, I should watch "Apocalypse Now", but der, I totally remember that sitcom, and what do Effie and a bunch of Greeks running a coffee shop have to do with war? I guess Greece and Vietnam are both in Asia, but apart from that I think it's just Stupid Mark being stupid.

Really, the only similarity I can see between the war in Iraq and the Vietnam War is that we won both of them.

That cop guy, Mick Keelty, is such a dumb idiot. He reckons that Australia is more of a terrorist target 'cause of the war with Iraq, 'cause this place called Spain got bombed, or something. But that's a total der-brain thing to say, 'cause there aren't even any terrorists in Australia. Anyone who paid attention during that Tampa thing would know that terrorists always try to get into Australia on illegal boats with boat people, so they can wait for years in detention and then on the off-chance that no one finds out that they're terrorists after looking into their background, there's a slim possibility they'll get into Australia on a TPV. Duh. That means all the terrorists are locked up safely in detention centres. He clearly didn't listen to a thing I said, or he'd know that we decide who comes in to this country and under what circumstances, and I certainly don't remember letting any terrorists in. Plus, even if they did get into Australia, how would they get past the fridge magnets? Huh? Yeah, Mick, you didn't think of that, did you? That's why I own this country, and he's just some police guy. What would cops know about security, anyway?

As usual, Mark Latham's been having a sook. He reckons we should pull all our Australian troops out of Iraq by December. What a spaz-wad. Our troops are over there to democracise Iraq, but they can't do that while there are still terrorists running around, and geeze is that place chockers with terrorists. As everyone knows, "terrorist" is just a fancy-schmancy way of saying "Muslim", and there's no way we'll have all the Muslims out of there by December. Especially seeing that every time they try to seek asylum in Australia, we have to send them back. Because we decide if stupid terrorist Muslims come into this country, and under what circumstances. And those circumstances are when hell freezes over.

Isn't anyone else like totally over the whole Iraq thing? It's so 2003. Like trucker caps and Justin Timberlake. But 'cause they're lame and un-hip, some people are still talking about Iraq and saying that I "sexed up" the case for attacking them. As if I did, though. All I said was that things were really getting hot and heavy in Iraq, and that while I knew that war may be long, slow, and hard, if our soldiers came in and emptied the loads from their big guns effectively, Saddam wouldn't have the chance to slip through the back door. We wanted Saddam down on his knees in front of us while we sewed our wild seeds of democracy, so we could erect a new Iraq - an Iraq pulsating with the sweet juices of freedom and throbbing with liberty. We knew that at first we may have to thrust these things at Iraq and thrust hard, probing deep inside, but once their people knew the blissful climaxes of being free from the hard-core bondages of Saddam's regime, they'd be begging and panting for more. We couldn't just blow the people of Iraq off - they needed to find their release. Otherwise they'd be rooted.

I can't see what the problem is. I reckon people are just reading too much into it. If I wanted to "sex things up", I'd add naughty words like "booby" and "knickers".

Everyone's all shocked and stuff that der-brain Tony Blair was bugging that Coffee guy from the UN. Obviously "everyone" has never actually had to listen to Coffee. That guy couldn't be more boring or hard to understand if he was presenting the SBS news. He always talks about stuff like world events and politics and that. Yawn. Also, he reckons he's black, but always gives me a funny look when I say, "Yo, what-up dawg?" to him. I saw all six seasons of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", so I know how to speak Black and Coffee isn't black. He's just dull. So who cares if the stupid Poms were listening to him? It's not like he ever says anything worth hearing. After six years of Tony Blair, they're probably just used to listening to a boring man saying boring things that no one cares about. So whatever, I'm not gonna kick up a stink about it. I reckon if they've sat through a few hours of Coffee, they've suffered enough.

Mark Latham, Mark Latham, Mark Latham! It's like all anyone cares about any more is Mark bloody Latham. "Mark has a ladder!" "Mark has books!" "Mark, Mark, MARK, MARK, MARK!" So when I decide to change that parliamentary superannuation thingo, of course everyone is all, "Oooh, that was Mark's idea!" Which, of course, it was, but that's hardly the point. Like, I announced it, I had to do stupid interviews about it and pretend I cared, and I had to say "parliamentary superannuation" heaps and heaps, and those are two really big words. So the other day, Mark corners me behind Parliament House and he's all, "So ya reckon youse can just steal me policy, Johnny? Huh? Huh? Do ya? You wanna take this outside?" And I'm like, "Der, we ARE outside!" And he's all, "Yeah? Well I reckon if you call yourself the PM, then "PM" must stand for "Poo Mouth"!" And I was scared and stuff, 'cause Mark is heaps big and scary and mean, but he had me cornered and Janette always says to "use my words", so I'm like, "Yeah? Well if you're the leader of the ALP, then it must stand for "Arse-faced Loser Politicians"! And then he goes, "Poo Mouth! Poo Mouth!" And I'm like, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me!" So he threw sticks and stones at me. And see, the media reckon I only nicked Mark's policy 'cause I'm scared of him 'cause of all the attention he's getting, but that's totally wrong - I'm jealous of him 'cause of all the attention he's getting, but I'm scared of him 'cause he keeps beating me up and stealing my lunchbox. Duh, Australian Media.

Mark is also lame 'cause he's anti-American 'cause he hasn't supported having a free-trade deal with America yet. Being anti-American is totally un-Australian, 'cause un-Australian people suck and if you don't like America then you don't like Australia, so you suck. That's what George says, and he'd know, 'cause he owns the country. America, that is, not Australia. Not yet, anyway, but we're working on it. America is such a cool place, 'cause like, in Australia people follow me round with cameras and stuff and some people are mean to me 'cause they don't like things I've done, but when I'm in America, everyone just treats me like a regular person. They all act like they don't know me from a bar of soap, which is heaps nice of them. They know better than to take pictures of me or annoy me when I'm jogging, 'cause Americans are used to being around celebrities. Though some of them take it a bit far by saying, "Australia? Where's that?" Anyway, this free trade deal will mean more American TV, more American movies, and more American products, so we can all become more American! And when people are more American, they'll be less un-Australian.

I'm heaps excited about this "Son of Star Wars" missile thingo. I'm not totally sure what it's all about, but it involves the United States and blowing stuff up, and that's always fun. Of course, the ALP are being lame and trying to ruin all our fun. Mark Latham's trying to pretend he cares about what the Governments spends our money on, but really that's just a front. Yep, Mark's just a big fat liar liar pants on fire, 'cause the real reason he doesn't want us to play Star Wars with the US is 'cause he's a bigger loser than even most people realise... that's right, Mark Latham is a Trekkie. He is such a dork. Like, when he became leader of the ALP, he was all, "Parliament, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Australian Labor Party. Its mission: to explore strange new policies, then to totally reverse them, to seek out a new generation, to boldly go where no politician has gone before... except for Gough Whitlam who is so totally cool and I love and I want to marry because I'm lame." Ok, maybe he didn't say that last part, but he's still a dorkus malorkus. Obviously I don't tease him about it to his face, 'cause he'd beat me up and stuff, but I always laugh behind his back when he wears those stupid pointy alien ears in Parliament.

Jenny Macklin told me secretly that she's a bit sick of Mark calling her "Spock" all the time. I didn't tell her that George Bush calls me "Yoda" quite often. He said it wasn't an insult or anything, 'cause Yoda is all wise and stuff. But then I was like, "If he's so wise, why did he say, 'Wars not make one great!'?" And George was like, "Aw fine, it's just 'cause ya look like the little critter so much! Look at yer round, bald head and wrinked brow!" And then he pinched my cheeks. And I was like, "Totally rad you are."

I got bored yesterday, so I slagged off public schools. It's not like I said anything outrageous, or anything. All I said was that they don't teach values. Things like honesty, equality, and compassion just aren't taught in public schools, and I should know, 'cause I went to one. Who knows what kind of an honest lame-arse I would've turned out as without public education. Twelve years in an institution without morals or values was perfect training for the Liberal Party. Private Schools are good for some things -- like forcing religion down kid's throats -- but if you want shameless and immoral nasty pastie politicians, you can't go past a state school education.