John Howard: Prime Minister

Isn't anyone else like totally over the whole Iraq thing? It's so 2003. Like trucker caps and Justin Timberlake. But 'cause they're lame and un-hip, some people are still talking about Iraq and saying that I "sexed up" the case for attacking them. As if I did, though. All I said was that things were really getting hot and heavy in Iraq, and that while I knew that war may be long, slow, and hard, if our soldiers came in and emptied the loads from their big guns effectively, Saddam wouldn't have the chance to slip through the back door. We wanted Saddam down on his knees in front of us while we sewed our wild seeds of democracy, so we could erect a new Iraq - an Iraq pulsating with the sweet juices of freedom and throbbing with liberty. We knew that at first we may have to thrust these things at Iraq and thrust hard, probing deep inside, but once their people knew the blissful climaxes of being free from the hard-core bondages of Saddam's regime, they'd be begging and panting for more. We couldn't just blow the people of Iraq off - they needed to find their release. Otherwise they'd be rooted.

I can't see what the problem is. I reckon people are just reading too much into it. If I wanted to "sex things up", I'd add naughty words like "booby" and "knickers".

Everyone's all shocked and stuff that der-brain Tony Blair was bugging that Coffee guy from the UN. Obviously "everyone" has never actually had to listen to Coffee. That guy couldn't be more boring or hard to understand if he was presenting the SBS news. He always talks about stuff like world events and politics and that. Yawn. Also, he reckons he's black, but always gives me a funny look when I say, "Yo, what-up dawg?" to him. I saw all six seasons of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", so I know how to speak Black and Coffee isn't black. He's just dull. So who cares if the stupid Poms were listening to him? It's not like he ever says anything worth hearing. After six years of Tony Blair, they're probably just used to listening to a boring man saying boring things that no one cares about. So whatever, I'm not gonna kick up a stink about it. I reckon if they've sat through a few hours of Coffee, they've suffered enough.