Pfft, I wish the PC crowd would just lighten up. Firstly, Johnny Brogden makes a hilarious joke about stupid Bob Carr's foreign wife by calling her a "mail order bride" - which is FUNNY, because she's FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY and also because Bob Carr is ugly and would probably have to pay a woman to go near him - then people get all offended by it, so he had to quit and then, because a life without the Liberal Party isn't a life worth living, he tried to kill himself. THEN Tony Abbott made a hilarious joke about THAT, saying that we'd be as "dead as a former Liberal leader's political prospects" if we did something wrong, which is ALSO funny, because he quit, but also because he tried to kill himself, so he would've been DEAD. Get it? DEAD. That is funny. You'd think people would be grateful for the contribution the Libs are making to Australian comedy, given most Australian comedians spend all their time making fun of me, which isn't even funny because I always have to ask Janette to explain the jokes to me and she says not to worry because Wil Anderson is just a mean bean and what am I doing up so late on a work night anyway and that I know better than to watch the ABC because it'll just upset me.

Maybe if I ever retire (and that was "IF", Peter) I could go into comedy. I'm heaps funny. My unique style of political comedy kills at Liberal Party functions. Like: What would you get if you crossed Kim Beazley with Amanda Vanstone? Someone who's really fat! (Amanda beat me up for that one, but it was so worth it) Or: Why did the lefty cross the road? Because they're so dumb they didn't know to wait at the crossing until someone responsible came along to hold their hand and make sure they looked both ways!

Comedy. Gold.

As long as the PC narcs don't start hassling ME. 'Cause I have some great New Orleans jokes saved up for Question Time tomorrow.

So we've started forcing schools to teach values like care and compassion, freedom, honesty and trustworthiness, integrity, respect, responsibility, understanding, tolerance and inclusion. I reckon this is really important, 'cause this way we can weed out any suckers who actually believe in that stuff when they're still young and before they join the Liberal Party. The last thing we need is another Petro Georgiou spouting hippy crap to the media and betraying everything the Liberals stand for.

Now, I'm no dope-smoking, hippy greenie, but the Japanese want to kill a bunch of whales, and I'm not cool with that. Not 'cause I really care if they die or anything, but actual dope-smoking, hippy greenie whale-watchers bring in a fair bit of tourist dollars, and I do care about that. Still, I hate agreeing with Bob Brown on anything, and I made sure he knew this didn't mean that we were friends or anything, and we still couldn't be seen in public together. Like, he came running up to me at lunch time and was all, "Hey John! Want to share my lentils with me, John? Isn't it great how we have something in common, John?" And then Andrew Downer was like, "Uh, are you friends with this loser, or something?" And I was like, "Uhm.... no. As if. Why don't you go hug a tree, you tree hugger?" And so he sulked off to make hemp clothing with Kerry Nettle, or whatever those tree huggers do with their time. But anyway, I'm still not cool with the Japanese killing our whales. If they need a huge, moaning, predatory, blubber-filled mammal, why can't we just give them Amanda Vanstone?

So apparently some of the lip-sewing, children-overboard-throwing, job-stealing terrorists we locked up in detention centres and sent back overseas? Weren't lip-sewing, children-overboard-throwing, job-stealing terrorists after all. They were Australians. Woops. In the Immigration Department's defence, I've seen pictures of this Alvarez chick, and it's not as if she's white or anything, so you can see why they might have got confused. See, that's why multiculturalism is so lame - you can't tell Australians from terrorists. What's happened to this country when we can't judge our citizens on their skin colour?

Speaking of foreigners and stuff, that bogan girl from Queensland got 20 years in Indonesia for smuggling drugs. All these people have been saying that I should have done something to save her 'cause she's an Australian citizen, but I reckon they're expecting just a bit much. Like, that terrorist Hicks bloke has been locked up in a foreign jail without trial for years, and I haven't done anything to help him, so why should this Shrapnel girl get special treatment? She's already had a whole trial with real judges and media attention and public sympathy, which is a hell of a lot more than that Hicks guy's ever had, and now she wants special favours from me, too? Selfish much?

So before the last election, we told poor people that if they spent heaps on medical bills, we'd pay heaps of it back, and I swear that we actually had every intention of doing that until we found out that it costs money to pay back someone's bills! Tony and I were totally shocked when Pete came in and told us that poor people were actually using this "safety net" thingo and that WE were paying for THEIR medical bills. As if. We already gave poor people a bunch of bribes before the election, we don't have the money to subsidise their medical costs when they get sick as well. Typical greedy poor people, always sponging off the government, wanting a handout. "But you promised!" Whatever. I promise a lot of things, but if people are still believing what I say after they've had like, ten years to learn better, then I reckon they deserve what they get. If medical bills didn't cost anything, then we'd happily pay them back. It's not our fault that doctors charge money. People expect too much of me.

So anyway, now apparently I've "broken" the Medicare "safety net". I'm so sick of these lame metaphores. Can't we just call it "screwing over poor people"? I'm comfortable with that.

Apparently the ALP are trying to get Eddie McGuire to run for them in the next election. Soooo pathetic. Besides, we could so easily top that. We're already in talks with Larry Emdur to be Treasurer, Rob Brough as Minister for Family Services, Baby John Burgess as Minister for Ageing, and that nasty woman from The Weakest Link, who we reckon would make a tops Minister for Immigration. I'd also like to change Question Time so that we could opt for "Physical Challenge" instead of answering questions, and I'd like to find an attractive, female "co-host" for David Hawker. I wonder what Adriana Xenides is up to these days...

Wow, it's been a while since I've written anything here. Sometimes I just get so caught up in the fun and excitement of Australian politics that I just forget, though.

And Parliament has just been chockers with excitement lately. Like Tony Abbott found his long-lost son and then found out it wasn't even his son at all! What a relief, though. Like, imagine wondering about your son for 27 years, only to find out that he works for the ABC! Talk about disappointing. Of course, we were all supportive and stuff, saying that it was probably just a phase and that he'd grow out of it, but seriously, if Richard or Tim ever started working for a communist organisation like that, there's no way they'd ever be welcome at Kirribilli again. Someone also scribbled out the "ABC = Almost Bloody Communists" graffiti in the Parliament men's dunnies and replaced it with "ABC = Abbott's Bastard Children", which was nasty, but we all laughed. I'll bet the whole thing made Tony rethink his stance on abortion. Maybe there's something to that "quality of life" argument after all. I mean, is a life of public broadcasting a life worth living? It really makes you think.

Then all this stuff happened with Rosso Lightfoot, where he said to some journo that he smuggled $20,000 into Iraq from some oil company, except the journo had the nerve to actually report what Rosso said, and so people said, "Well you can't do that", so he said, "Well good, 'cause I didn't do that", so people said "Then why'd you say it?", so he said, "I didn't", so people said, "What do you reckon, John?", so I said, "I reckon he didn't", so people said, "Well maybe you're wrong", so I said, "So's ya mum", so Janette sent me to my room. But it was worth it, 'cause Rosso is a really cool dude, and it's important for cool people to like you. Like, he told me all about how he lives in a castle with a moat with crocodiles and sharks in it, and once when Mick Jagger was staying at his castle ('cause he and Mick Jagger are really good friends), Mick Jagger fell into the moat, and Rosso had to jump in and wrestle the sharks and crocs to save him, and Mick Jagger was so appreciative that he bought Rosso a Porsche! Who wouldn't believe an awesome guy like that?

Ahahahaha! So the Australian Loser Party are even bigger losers than they used to be. They lost the election, they always lose at footy at lunchtime (well almost always. Sometimes it's just members of the NSW right, and they play dirty), and now they've lost Latham. So I guess it's back to old Fatty McFatfat. But I dunno if it's a good or a bad thing, really. On the one hand, I won't have Mark flushing my head down the dunny and stealing my lamingtons every day, but on the other, Kim Beazley is actually a decent politician. It kinda makes me miss Simple Simon, really. He was someone I could deck both in Parliament and on the footy field. As long as it's not Kevin Rudd, I guess. He's such a smarmy, prissy little know-it-all - and that's Alex Downer's job.

It's lame - I own this country, so why can't I choose the leader of the opposition? I get to choose the speaker, and I did a totally ace job of that. David Hawker is heaps impartial and stuff. I reckon if I could just make like, Pete Costello the leader of the opposition, everything would work much better. He'd be off my back about retiring, 'cause he'd have his own party, and he knows all about lefties, 'cause he's got that spaz-wad brother. Plus Question Time would be so much easier if I could have Doroty Dixers coming from both sides of the house. He'd be all, "Mr Speaker, could the Prime Minister please comment on how awesome he is?" And I'd be all, "Well, Mr Speaker, I'd like to thank the leader of the opposition for his question, and can I just say that he is super cool, too. In response to his questions, I believe that I am totally awesome, but I'll be endeavouring to make even MORE advancements in the field of awesomeness for years to come." And then everyone (including David Hawker, 'cause he's impartial, but not stupid) would go, "Here, here!"

Man, this job would be so much better if I could just do whatever I want like that. Democracy is way over-rated.