So now that I'm like, against logging or something, I'm totally green and stuff. Ha, take THAT, Greens. I'm greener than the Greens. I'm so green that if I was sitting in the House of Reps right now, you wouldn't even be able to tell the difference between me and the chairs. I'm so green that I ate ALL my broccoli and silver beat at dinner last night... though that was mainly because Janette said that if I didn't, she wouldn't let me listen to John Laws for a whole week. I'm so green that when I saw a Wilderness Society koala yesterday, I didn't kick it OR yell naughty words at it. Because koalas are an endangered species, and Wilderness Society koalas are probably even MORE endangered, 'cause they don't even have them in zoos, or anything, and they're always asking for money, so they're probably all dying from starvation and poverty and stuff. See? I'm so green that I care about koalas. Well, I don't care about the koalas themselves, I guess, but I care about the votes I can steal from the Nazi Communist Greens by pretending I do, and that's almost the same thing.

But now Stupid Mark Latham is trying to be even more green than me by saying he'll fill up some river. Whatever, Mark. Like, rivers are blue. Well, this one is kind of brown. It isn't green like me, though. Besides, I can so fill a river better than him. People are all down on global warming and stuff, but duh, when water levels rise, then ALL the rivers will be full. It'll probably wipe out those pesky terrorist jails on Nauru and Christmas Island, too. Now THAT is sustainability. I watched Captain Planet, I know about the environment. If things go wrong, we can just go to Hope Island and find Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, and she'll fix things. Gaia was totally hot, too.

And people say I don't care about the environment. Sigh. It's not easy being green.

Ugh, I had to do that stupid debate with Mark Latham today. I forget how boring politics can be sometimes. Like, in Parliament I only have to get up and speak every so often, and the rest of the time I can just sit back and play snake on my mobile, or draw biro tattoos on my arm or whatever. But one hour of discussing politics without even getting ad breaks? Yawn. Mark kept using all these dorkus catch phrases, like "ease the squeeze". I've watched Burgo's Catchphrase, too, y'know, and I can make up catch phrases that'll have the ALP totally spewing. Just wait until my "Look 'em in the eye, and tell 'em a lie" and "Join the push to support George W. Bush" campaigns are unveiled. Not to mention the equally catchy "Mark Latham is a stupid loser, and everyone hates him because he's stupid and he smells, and I'm cool and he drools" initiative. The debate was also crap 'cause they had this stupid panel of journalists asking us questions. It was such a hassle 'cause it meant that I had to twist things around to what I wanted to talk about all the time. And like, the only proper journo on the panel was Neil Mitchell, anyway. At least they didn't have that der-brain Kerry O'Brien there, ruining a quality program like 60 Minutes with his stupid left-wing bias.

Speaking of stupid lefties, what's with people suddenly caring about those far out crazy communist Greens? Their policies are just gosh darn kooky! Not only do they want us to give our kids ecstasy, ride bikes everywhere, and all become emaciated vegos, they ALSO want us to perform regular ritual sacrifices of virgins, make nudity compulsory, and tar and feather anyone who's ever even stepped on an ant. That's what Alex Downer said his wife's best friend's hairdresser's plumber read on the internet, anyway. They're totally nuts. I guess that's what happens when you don't eat meat, and spend all day smoking weed and playing hacky-sack, though. Once during lunchtime at Parliament, we were playing cricket against some of the minor party members, and Bob Brown goes, "If it hits a tree, do you have to catch it with one hand?" And I was like, "But if it hits the tree, won't you wanna go and hug and kiss the tree better?" And he goes, "I dunno, John. What are you gonna do if it hits a Bush?" So I was like, "Yeah? Well... ya mum!" Ha, I totally burnt him hardcore. See, that's why I own the whole country, and he has to live in Tasmania.

Shut up, Mike Scrafton. Children Overboard is sooo 2001. Like, I tell so many lies, as if I'm supposed to remember the details of just one lie that happened years ago. And now Labor are saying that I've lied 27 times, which is such crap. I've lied way more times than that. I mean, I lie at least once a day, and that's usually just when Alex Downer asks, "Does my bum look big in this?" Credit where credit's due, please. As if Australians care about lies, anyway. If they can pretend that Ian Thrope is straight, they can pretend a bunch of terrorists from some loser country chucked their kids out of a boat. How was I supposed to know what was on that video, anyway? It's not like I paid attention. I like videos about boats and the ocean and stuff, but that one was just crap. You know what was a good boat film? Pirates of the Caribbean. If there were more pirates in the children overboard thingo, I would've paid more attention. Also maybe if one of the terrorists on the boat was played by Johnny Depp. He's so dreamy... uh, I mean that in a totally heterosexual way, of course. Once we were playing pirates during lunch time at Parliament, and Mark Latham came up and wanted to play, and I was like, "Ok, you can be Captain Sook!" It was SO funny. Well, it was until he beat me up and stole all the Iced VoVos from my lunch box.

So I finally called the election today. Man, Democracy is such a hassle, it'd be so much easier if I could just be PM for ever and ever. Elections are so much work, too - kissing babies, making speeches, pretending you care about people and stuff. At least we can stop disguising our ads as public service announcements now, I guess. Even I am getting sick of those Medicare ones. I mean, we spent $22 million on them, and all they came up with was, "I. Hear. There. Have. Been. Changes. To. Medicare. What. Are. They." If I'd known they were just gonna get a boring drip to speak in a monotonous voice, I would've got Neil Andrew to do it for free.

Happy birthday to ME! I'm the birthday boy! Janette says that being 65 also makes me a big boy, but it meant I had a big decision to make. I could stay on as the ruler of Australia, leader of the Liberal Party, and being all powerful and stuff... or I could retire and get a Seniors Card. It was a tough decision to make, 'cause like, senior's meals, cheap movie tickets, and cheap bus fares are hard to turn down. But then I realised that it wasn't fair to deprive the country of having me as the PM, so I decided to stay on. Also, it's funny watching Pete Costello suffer. He came to my birthday party, but I reckon it was only 'cause his wife made him. He was a total sooky-sooky-la-la all day, and he wouldn't play musical chairs or British bulldogs (though that ended up being a pretty good choice, 'cause Amanda Vanstone spear-tackled me heaps hard and I scraped my knee and she said I was crying, but I wasn't, and besides, it was my birthday and I could cry if I wanted to. Not that I did). He did play pass the parcel, but got all huffy when I got a Sailor Moon pencil case, and all he got was a Dragon Ball Z sticker. He asked if I'd swap, and when I said no, he was all, "Figures." Then when I was eating a piece of my Birthday cake (Jannette made it in the shape of a Deputy Sheriff's badge!), he was all, "So you're gonna have your cake and eat it too, are ya?" And I was like, "Uhm... yes."

I got a great haul, though. Like:

• Three new cardigans
• Shannon Noll's CD (thanks, John Anderson... not)
• Cowboy Dress-ups
• A Lord of The Rings DVD (we all reckon that Phil Ruddock looks like Gollum and Alex Downer looks like Frodo. I reckon that I look like Aragorn)
• The 9/11 Commission Report
• Two new Robert Menzies posters
• A new bright yellow kanga cricket set
• A t-shirt with "I run the country and I vote" on it
• A St George beanie

What I'd really wanted was some wicked gangsta gear, like a chain necklace with a big diamond-studded "JH" hanging off it, and a shirt with "I put the 'PM' in 'PIMP'" on it. But Janette was all, "Think of what people will say!" I told her people would say, "Day-um! J.Ho's got some fine-ass bling happenin'. He the Mac Daddy!" But I got into trouble for saying "ass". I told her it wasn't that different from Phil Ruddock's Amnesty International badge, but she wouldn't listen.

It's so unfair, I'm 65, I'm not a little kid anymore.

I'm sooo excited! Alex Downer said the other day that he reckons the War On Terror™ is gonna keep going for at least a generation. That's so rad. Imagine - Coalition Government after Coalition Government, lying and fear-mongering for years to come... even when I retire, it's totally awesome to know that my legacy will live on and on and on. Man, I'm getting all excited just thinking about it! If Australians think they saw scare tactics, propaganda, and paranoia during the Cold War, they're gonna be totally blown away by the stuff we'll come up with. I'm already coming up with some "Red under your bed" style catchphrases. I'm thinking like, "Is there a member of al-Qaeda behind your heater?" "Is that a member of Jemaah Islamiah serving you a beer?" "Is that your dad planning an Islamic Jihad?" I'm so heaps clever.
 
So apparently this fat American communist guy called Michael Moore was bagging me on 60 Minutes. Who does he think he is? 60 Minutes is where I go to spout political propaganda and thinly disguise it as an interview. Hands off. Besides, since when is it ok for Americans to comment on Australian politics? And he was all, "What is John Howard doing in bed with Bush?" How does HE know about that? Seriously, it was one time at George's ranch when we wanted to have a sleepover, and it was totally innocent. Honestly, George has a really big bed, AND we slept head-to-tails, so really, it was like we weren't in bed together at all. I swear. We're just normal, totally straight guys, who once snuck some Barbeque Shapes and Ribena into George's bedroom and ended up sleeping in the same bed. And like, we were as far away from each other as we could possibly have been. I almost fell out of the bed, I was that far away from George. But we were totally just blokes being blokes. In fact, I'm pretty sure we mainly talked about how hot our wives are, and sport, and blokey stuff like that. In FACT, I'm pretty sure we also talked about how totally unappealing we find men, and especially each other.
 
So really, Michael Moore doesn't know what he's talking about. I mean, where did he get his information from? ASIS? 'Cause seriously, they don't know anything. Fo' real.

Bloody greedy un-Australian Australians. We do a totally nice, generous, caring thing like pork-barrelling to win votes from poor people by paying them $600 for having kids, and now some people who weren't supposed to receive the bribe did anyway, and they won't give it back. They're being heaps selfish, because we already bribed them with tax-cuts. Man, buying people's votes is HARD. Like, we could make them pay the money back, but then what if they don't like us anymore? It's sorta like how I give Amanda Vanstone half my lamingtons every day, so she protects me from getting beaten up by Mark Latham. But like, if I went back to benching her in kanga cricket every lunch time and calling her "Fatty Fat Fatty" like I did before Mark was on the scene, I'm not sure she'd be so willing to give him a nipple-cripple for me every morning. I guess the lesson is that even though you can only please all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, all of the people have a price.

Speaking of fat people, it turns out that kids in Australia are too fat, 'cause they don't spend enough time gazing adoringly at the Australian flag, or something. I personally have an intense daily fitness regime that keeps me in such good shape: As soon as I get up, I recite a pledge of allegiance to Australia, followed by all 5 verses of "Advance Australia Fair". Then, with my hand over my heart, I apply myself to at least a good solid half-hour of flag gazing. If it's a weekend, Janette and I get a great workout singing "Waltzing Matilda", "Still Call Australia Home", and other patriotic classics. Sometimes if I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, I'll also belt out a rousing rendition of "God Save the Queen". The way to an Australian's stomach is through their heart. Nothing gets kids shedding those kilos like patriotism. And y'know, exercise too, I guess. But mainly patriotism.

Wait, it just occured to me that if we'd taken AWAY $600 per child, families wouldn't have been able to feed their kids, and we'd have fixed the obesity problem.

Damn. Wish I'd thought of that earlier.

What an awesome week! After meeting with The Terminator, I went to the US captial, George Washington, and hung out with George Bush. It was awesome, 'cause he totally bagged out Mark Latham. I was like, "There's this lame guy at home and he's mean to me and he sucks and is lame." And so George went to this press conference and said, "There's this lame guy in Australia called Mark Latham, and he's mean and lame." Or something like that. Anyway, the point is that George rules and Mark Latham drools. I should so turn that into a t-shirt.

Speaking of Latham, apparently he's trying to get that bald hippy from Midnight Oil to run for the ALP. Like that's so original. Athol Guy from The Seekers was a Liberal member of Parliament for ages. The Seekers - now that's REAL music. Peter Garrett just hangs around with Aborigines and dances like a spaz. Maybe it's time we got another Australian musical legend running for us in the next election. Like Rolf Harris. He could probably do a rad theme song to get us through all this prisoner abuse crap, too, like, "Lie when the senate review's around, sport".

So the communists at the ABC are trying to turn kids into gay homosexuals by showing them lesbians on Playschool. Typical. Now there'll be five year-old gay couples trying to get married and adopt children so they can destroy their lives by raising them with same-sex parents. Clearly the ABC didn't get the memo that we're trying to encourage homophobia for the upcoming election. I'll never be able to listen to Benita and John sing "Two Little Dickey-Birds" in the same way again.

Oh my God! Oh my GOD! Today I got to meet The Terminator! It turns out that he's also the Governor of California. I told The Terminator how Janette wouldn't let me see T2, 'cause she said it was too violent and would give me bad dreams. But then last year, Alex Downer and I snuck down to Video Ezy and hired it and then told our wives we had to stay late at Parliament, but actually we watched T2 in my office! And it was so cool, except for the violent bits which did give me nightmares, but it was sooo worth it. Well, I didn't tell him about the nightmares, 'cause I didn't want The Terminator to think I wasn't cool and tough, but I reckon he was heaps impressed at how naughty Alex and I had been. I reckon The Terminator is such an inspiration - he was born a cyborg, but he didn't let that hold him back, and now he's a politician like me. America really is the land of opportunity. I told him that I thought it was rad that Californians didn't mind that he wasn't totally human and were willing to accept his cyborg characteristics, like his monotone voice and lack of emotions. He said that in an insane world, he was the sanest choice.

So people are getting all angry at me for lying about how the government knew about the US being mean to the terrorists in Iraq. But like duh, there's an election coming up. I have certain responsibilities. And also, why are they surprised? I've been lying to the Australian public for years. It's called fear-mongering, and all the other leaders are doing it. The left just need to get with the times. This is 2004 - RnB is the new rock, red, white, and blue is the new black, and blatant lying is the new competent leadership. A good PM is a hip PM, peeps. Word.

Some people are never satisfied. Like, they always whinge if we don't try and stop evil people overseas and stuff, so we go and give the terrorists in Iraq democracy and freedom and all that, and they whinge about THAT. It's not our fault that terrorists hate freedom, you know. And sometimes the only way to get a person to love freedom is by locking them naked and blindfolded in a a room, and then sodomising them with a broom handle. Because Australians don't cut and run. We WILL win their hearts and minds, even if we have to murder them in the process. Besides, people need to remember that they're still better off than they were under Saddam. They're getting the same kind of democratic treatment that Australians enjoy in Guantanamo Bay.

So once again we've come up with a totally rad budget. Of course, the stupid opposition and the communist Greens whinged that we're only giving tax cuts to the rich, but like, duh. Rich people work hard and stuff, so they deserve more money. Lazy poor people don't deserve anything. Plus rich people vote for us and poor people don't. What's the point in rewarding people who don't even like us? Until poor people learn to love us, we're gonna keep screwing them. Just like the Iraqis.

So not only is Mark Latham a liar liar pants on fire, he's ALSO a copycat from Ballarat. He totally nicked a speech he did from some American president who wasn't George Bush. What a loser. But that's why I own this country - 'cause I come up with my own totally original ideas. Like visiting troops in Iraq on an important day for a rad press stunt. And outlawing gay marriage. I'm a total visionary. But Mark just copies everything. Like wearing glasses? And a suit and tie? I've been doing that for years. Now everyone's doing it. And pulling troops out of Iraq has already been done, too. Mark totally ripped that off those communists in Spain. He's even agreeing with MY policies. Like, now he ALSO thinks gay homosexuals shouldn't get married? Whatever, Mark. Way to be an opposition leader. Not.

Anyway, that Iraq trip was such a drag. It turns out that Iraq is a totally lame place to visit. Like, there's all this war there. Huh. And I mean, ANZAC Day already kind of sucks, 'cause I always have to get up so early and stuff, but Iraq is like this total other country, so I had to get up mega early. And they always play that heaps dull song on the trumpet. Every. Single. Year. Can't they get some new material? No one even laughed when I yelled out, "Play Freebird!" AND we didn't get ANZAC biscuits! I mean, Janette put a few in my lunch box, but I got hungry on the plane and ate them before I got to Iraq. But what kind of a crap country doesn't have ANZAC biscuits? I've gotta say, as far as public holidays go, ANZAC Day is no Australia Day. Also, there's a reason Andrew Daddo never visits Iraq on Getaway: it's crap. Iraq, I mean, not Getaway. That show is awesome. Well, except for when they have that Aboriginal guy. Typical Aboriginal, stealing a job from an Australian.

Anyway, next ANZAC Day, I think I'll just go to Hawaii, or something.

Mark Latham is a total liar liar pants on fire. He reckons that an intelligence agency told him that pulling our troops out of Iraq by December was a good idea. But as if, 'cause intelligence agencies are heaps smart -- intelligent, even -- and as we all know, our troops have to stay in Iraq to get the job done. Smart intelligence agency blokes know that. But 'cause Mark is stupid, he doesn't realise that by "get the job done", I don't mean making Iraq a not crap place for those terrorists to live. I mean winning the next Federal election. Der, Mark, you stupid lying stupid-head. Plus, if we didn't have troops in Iraq, George Bush might not want to be my mate anymore, just like Pete Costello probably wouldn't sit next to me at morning tea if I didn't give him my Fruit Roll-up every day. Stupid lying Mark eats Le Snacks for morning tea, 'cause he's a stupid French-loving liar.

Stupid Mark also said that the war against Iraq is like the Vietnam War. That's just stupid, though, 'cause Iraq and Vietnam are like totally different countries. I bet Stupid Mark doesn't even know anything about the Vietnam War. I know heaps, though, 'cause I've seen "Forrest Gump" at least three times, and that's a true story and everything. Forrest Gump was this guy who was a top bloke, 'cause he was good at sports and stuff, and then he went to war. But this war wasn't anything like the war in Iraq, 'cause there were no terrorists and they were in this place with beaches and palm trees and stuff. I think it might have been Hawaii. Anyway, it clearly was nothing like Iraq, 'cause the media were allowed to have heaps of access and freedom and stuff. When I told Stupid Mark that, he said that if I want watch something about the Vietnam War, I should watch "Apocalypse Now", but der, I totally remember that sitcom, and what do Effie and a bunch of Greeks running a coffee shop have to do with war? I guess Greece and Vietnam are both in Asia, but apart from that I think it's just Stupid Mark being stupid.

Really, the only similarity I can see between the war in Iraq and the Vietnam War is that we won both of them.

That cop guy, Mick Keelty, is such a dumb idiot. He reckons that Australia is more of a terrorist target 'cause of the war with Iraq, 'cause this place called Spain got bombed, or something. But that's a total der-brain thing to say, 'cause there aren't even any terrorists in Australia. Anyone who paid attention during that Tampa thing would know that terrorists always try to get into Australia on illegal boats with boat people, so they can wait for years in detention and then on the off-chance that no one finds out that they're terrorists after looking into their background, there's a slim possibility they'll get into Australia on a TPV. Duh. That means all the terrorists are locked up safely in detention centres. He clearly didn't listen to a thing I said, or he'd know that we decide who comes in to this country and under what circumstances, and I certainly don't remember letting any terrorists in. Plus, even if they did get into Australia, how would they get past the fridge magnets? Huh? Yeah, Mick, you didn't think of that, did you? That's why I own this country, and he's just some police guy. What would cops know about security, anyway?

As usual, Mark Latham's been having a sook. He reckons we should pull all our Australian troops out of Iraq by December. What a spaz-wad. Our troops are over there to democracise Iraq, but they can't do that while there are still terrorists running around, and geeze is that place chockers with terrorists. As everyone knows, "terrorist" is just a fancy-schmancy way of saying "Muslim", and there's no way we'll have all the Muslims out of there by December. Especially seeing that every time they try to seek asylum in Australia, we have to send them back. Because we decide if stupid terrorist Muslims come into this country, and under what circumstances. And those circumstances are when hell freezes over.

Isn't anyone else like totally over the whole Iraq thing? It's so 2003. Like trucker caps and Justin Timberlake. But 'cause they're lame and un-hip, some people are still talking about Iraq and saying that I "sexed up" the case for attacking them. As if I did, though. All I said was that things were really getting hot and heavy in Iraq, and that while I knew that war may be long, slow, and hard, if our soldiers came in and emptied the loads from their big guns effectively, Saddam wouldn't have the chance to slip through the back door. We wanted Saddam down on his knees in front of us while we sewed our wild seeds of democracy, so we could erect a new Iraq - an Iraq pulsating with the sweet juices of freedom and throbbing with liberty. We knew that at first we may have to thrust these things at Iraq and thrust hard, probing deep inside, but once their people knew the blissful climaxes of being free from the hard-core bondages of Saddam's regime, they'd be begging and panting for more. We couldn't just blow the people of Iraq off - they needed to find their release. Otherwise they'd be rooted.

I can't see what the problem is. I reckon people are just reading too much into it. If I wanted to "sex things up", I'd add naughty words like "booby" and "knickers".

Everyone's all shocked and stuff that der-brain Tony Blair was bugging that Coffee guy from the UN. Obviously "everyone" has never actually had to listen to Coffee. That guy couldn't be more boring or hard to understand if he was presenting the SBS news. He always talks about stuff like world events and politics and that. Yawn. Also, he reckons he's black, but always gives me a funny look when I say, "Yo, what-up dawg?" to him. I saw all six seasons of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", so I know how to speak Black and Coffee isn't black. He's just dull. So who cares if the stupid Poms were listening to him? It's not like he ever says anything worth hearing. After six years of Tony Blair, they're probably just used to listening to a boring man saying boring things that no one cares about. So whatever, I'm not gonna kick up a stink about it. I reckon if they've sat through a few hours of Coffee, they've suffered enough.

Mark Latham, Mark Latham, Mark Latham! It's like all anyone cares about any more is Mark bloody Latham. "Mark has a ladder!" "Mark has books!" "Mark, Mark, MARK, MARK, MARK!" So when I decide to change that parliamentary superannuation thingo, of course everyone is all, "Oooh, that was Mark's idea!" Which, of course, it was, but that's hardly the point. Like, I announced it, I had to do stupid interviews about it and pretend I cared, and I had to say "parliamentary superannuation" heaps and heaps, and those are two really big words. So the other day, Mark corners me behind Parliament House and he's all, "So ya reckon youse can just steal me policy, Johnny? Huh? Huh? Do ya? You wanna take this outside?" And I'm like, "Der, we ARE outside!" And he's all, "Yeah? Well I reckon if you call yourself the PM, then "PM" must stand for "Poo Mouth"!" And I was scared and stuff, 'cause Mark is heaps big and scary and mean, but he had me cornered and Janette always says to "use my words", so I'm like, "Yeah? Well if you're the leader of the ALP, then it must stand for "Arse-faced Loser Politicians"! And then he goes, "Poo Mouth! Poo Mouth!" And I'm like, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me!" So he threw sticks and stones at me. And see, the media reckon I only nicked Mark's policy 'cause I'm scared of him 'cause of all the attention he's getting, but that's totally wrong - I'm jealous of him 'cause of all the attention he's getting, but I'm scared of him 'cause he keeps beating me up and stealing my lunchbox. Duh, Australian Media.

Mark is also lame 'cause he's anti-American 'cause he hasn't supported having a free-trade deal with America yet. Being anti-American is totally un-Australian, 'cause un-Australian people suck and if you don't like America then you don't like Australia, so you suck. That's what George says, and he'd know, 'cause he owns the country. America, that is, not Australia. Not yet, anyway, but we're working on it. America is such a cool place, 'cause like, in Australia people follow me round with cameras and stuff and some people are mean to me 'cause they don't like things I've done, but when I'm in America, everyone just treats me like a regular person. They all act like they don't know me from a bar of soap, which is heaps nice of them. They know better than to take pictures of me or annoy me when I'm jogging, 'cause Americans are used to being around celebrities. Though some of them take it a bit far by saying, "Australia? Where's that?" Anyway, this free trade deal will mean more American TV, more American movies, and more American products, so we can all become more American! And when people are more American, they'll be less un-Australian.

I'm heaps excited about this "Son of Star Wars" missile thingo. I'm not totally sure what it's all about, but it involves the United States and blowing stuff up, and that's always fun. Of course, the ALP are being lame and trying to ruin all our fun. Mark Latham's trying to pretend he cares about what the Governments spends our money on, but really that's just a front. Yep, Mark's just a big fat liar liar pants on fire, 'cause the real reason he doesn't want us to play Star Wars with the US is 'cause he's a bigger loser than even most people realise... that's right, Mark Latham is a Trekkie. He is such a dork. Like, when he became leader of the ALP, he was all, "Parliament, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Australian Labor Party. Its mission: to explore strange new policies, then to totally reverse them, to seek out a new generation, to boldly go where no politician has gone before... except for Gough Whitlam who is so totally cool and I love and I want to marry because I'm lame." Ok, maybe he didn't say that last part, but he's still a dorkus malorkus. Obviously I don't tease him about it to his face, 'cause he'd beat me up and stuff, but I always laugh behind his back when he wears those stupid pointy alien ears in Parliament.

Jenny Macklin told me secretly that she's a bit sick of Mark calling her "Spock" all the time. I didn't tell her that George Bush calls me "Yoda" quite often. He said it wasn't an insult or anything, 'cause Yoda is all wise and stuff. But then I was like, "If he's so wise, why did he say, 'Wars not make one great!'?" And George was like, "Aw fine, it's just 'cause ya look like the little critter so much! Look at yer round, bald head and wrinked brow!" And then he pinched my cheeks. And I was like, "Totally rad you are."

I got bored yesterday, so I slagged off public schools. It's not like I said anything outrageous, or anything. All I said was that they don't teach values. Things like honesty, equality, and compassion just aren't taught in public schools, and I should know, 'cause I went to one. Who knows what kind of an honest lame-arse I would've turned out as without public education. Twelve years in an institution without morals or values was perfect training for the Liberal Party. Private Schools are good for some things -- like forcing religion down kid's throats -- but if you want shameless and immoral nasty pastie politicians, you can't go past a state school education.

A Christmas Letter from the Howards

Dear friends, family, and Coalition of the Willing™ members,

When I think back on 2003, one word immediately comes to mind: Democracy. I reckon 2003 was absolutely chockers with democracy. We fully had democracy coming out of our ears. So I'd just like to look back at some of the democratic things that happened this year:

First off, I invented Anti-Terrorist Fridge Magnets. Australian fridges are now so democratic it hurts. And they totally worked, ‘cause Australia hasn’t been attacked once by Terrorists. Plus, fridge-magnets are heaps non-violent, which makes me look good. They reckon that Ghandi guy was some sort of hero of non-violent resistance, but I’ll go down in history as the bloke that single-handedly stopped Terrorism in Australia. I don’t wear a nappy like he did, either, ‘cause Janette reckons that I’m a big boy and I don’t need them.

But of course, non-violence isn’t as fun as blowing stuff up and playing with guns, so we had a war, too. And I reckon it has to have been one of the best wars since the Cola Wars of the 1980s. There was this place called Iraq in this country called the Middle East in this city called the Axis of Evil and everyone there was a terrorist, and so George Bush had this rad idea to go and “Democracise” the place. So we went in and dropped bombs and stuff and now they’re free to do democratic things like eating McDonalds and playing cricket and being Christians. We democracised Iraq good.

Then, when Australians thought things couldn’t get any more democratic, two of the most democratic blokes in the whole universe, George Bush and Hu Jintao, came from their democracy to our democracy and things got so democratic that Australia was like … a really democratic place. Their countries are so democratic that neither of them even had to win elections to become leader. I reckon that’s really something that Australia should aspire to. Of course, 'cause they're dickhead communists, the Greens tried to pick on George and Hu, but I was all, "Not in my democracy!" And they got sent into "time out" for talking out of turn. Being allowed to say what you think is totally un-democratic.

Another score for democracy was made when these Kurdish terrorists tried to get into Australia, but with the combined democratic power of our Anti-Terrorist Fridge Magnets, and by shifting them off to Indonesia, we protected our democracy from their democracy-hating ways and told them to get nicked. Maybe next year we can democracise Kurd.

Finally, we found Saddam Hussein in a hole going, "No! No Democracy! Keep democracy out of here!" But we were all, "Uh-uh, we're bringing democracy into that hole whether you like it or not!" So American troops went in there and gave Saddam the most democratic shave he's ever had in his life. And now he's going to get a trial so democratic he'll wish he was never born a Terrorist. He was all, "Nooo, send me to Guantanimo Bay! Please! Just no democratic trial!" Well... he probably was. But we'll learn him.

There really has been more democracy than you can poke a stick at this year. Go democracy, it’s your birthday.

Have a gnarly Christmas and a democratic New Year,

Yours Sincerely,

John and Janette Howard

Bonjour from Nigeria! I've had to come here for CHOGM. I hate CHOGM. Robert Mugabe is being so mean to me. He's all, "Oh, you're so racist" But as if. Look at this:



That's the President of Nigeria and he's black. And I'm letting him touch me. If I was racist, I wouldn't let him do that, because he's probably covered in germs and diseases and you can clearly see, he's trying to pick my pockets. But even so, I let the black man touch me. I just made sure I didn't have any valuables in my pockets and then I burnt that suit and disinfected my hands. I even talked to him. I said, "You know, we have heaps of black people in Australia, too. They built a big rock in the middle of nowhere called 'Uluru' and my wife made me go there and it was really boring and lame so my wife said I could pick our next holiday destination so we went to Noosa where there aren't so many black people and we also have a famous black Australian called Cathy Freeman. Are you related to her?" He said he's not. Which when I look back was a silly question, 'cause clearly he doesn't have any Aboriginal in him 'cause he has a job.

Still, Robert Mugabe's not as mean as Mark Latham. He's always bullying me. Like, on his first day, he was all, "Gimme ya lunch or I'll smash ya face in!" So I gave him my Vegemite and lettuce sandwich and my Prima, but he gave me a wedgie anyway. And the next day, Janette had given me special lamingtons in my lunch box which I tried to hide, but he flushed my head down the dunny till I handed them over. And then he snuck into my office and wrote "ALP Nu-Generation Rox 4 EVA" on my briefcase in white-out pen. Janette says that he's just a mean bean and that if he does anything more I should just tell Neil Andrew, but I reckon Neil's afraid of him too since he gave Neil a nipple cripple which he said didn't hurt, but I reckon it did. Also, everyone knows that dibber-dobbers wear nappies, and I wouldn't want people to think I'm a baby or anything, 'cause I have a reputation to protect. I don't wear nappies, and Janette says the plastic sheets are "just in case".

So it seems that loser Andrew Bartlett is a piss-pot. Apparently he nicked wine from a Liberal Party Christmas Party. What a der-brain. Why would you nick wine when you could nick Fanta? Democrats are so dumb. No wonder they keep electing chicks as their leaders. You'd have to be pissed. Like, it may seem like Amanda Vanstone is in a pretty big position for a chick, but it's not 'cause she's good at politics and stuff. It's 'cause she's the only one that Mark Latham can't beat up.

Ugh, I had to go the UK last week. For real, I reckon that place gets lamer every time I go there. Or maybe it's just Tony Blair who does. Either way, trips there are always totally lame. Especially 'cause it's so weird talking to Tony. Like, I reckon he's a total spaz-wad, and he knows I'm so much cooler than he could even dream of being, so it's always heaps awkward. But we have to pretend to like each other 'cause of all that monarchy stuff. So I'm all, "So... good war." And he's like, "Yeah. Didn't suck too much. When the public realised we'd lied ... that sucked a bit." And I was all, "Yeah... didn't have to deal with that. Australians didn't really care." And he's like, "Ooh, lucky you. But then, I guess that I don't have to live in a convict colony, so..." And I'm like, "Yeah? Well at least my country bathes!" And so he poked his tongue out at me. And so I blew him a raspberry. And then Queen Liz told us that we were both behaving very inappropriately for a Remembrance Day commemoration.

These Kurdish asylum seekers tried to get into Australia. Now, I dunno where Kurd is (bet it's in a terrorist country, though), but I'm dead-set on sending them back there. So at first Amanda Vanstone and I just said that they hadn't applied for asylum and that they'd probably just got lost off their Contiki Tour and ended up on Melville Island, or something. But then the opposition was all, "Nah, that's Bullshit." And we're like, "Nah, it's true!" And they're all, "Nah, it's bullshit." And we're like, "Nah seriously, it's fair dinkum!" And they're still all, "Nah, it's bullshit." And well, it was, so in the end we went, "Yeah ok, it's bullshit." But we still didn't want these Kurdish terrorists getting in, so I came up with the best plan EVER. Like, I reckon I fully must be a genius, or something. All I did was get Parliament to pass this legislation saying that Melville Island isn't part of Australia's migration zone anymore. Of course, 'cause they're sooks, the opposition started whining 'cause they reckoned that it still had been part of our migration zone when they arrived there, so the legislation doesn't count. But that's not right, 'cause I reckon legislation should work backwards, too. Like how Aboriginals have equal rights now, so we can just pretend that they always did.

Whatever. I'm sure the Australian public won't care either way, as long as the Kurdish Terrorists don't get in and disturb the Rugby World Cup.

Why is Pauline Hanson getting so much attention all of a sudden? She is so 1996. Ok, so like, she got out of prison. Woo hoo. It's not like she's, oh I dunno.... THE BLOODY PRIME MINISTER. Geeze Louise, I run this whole country, and all she does is sit in prison for a few months. As if that's so special or something. I mean, Aboriginals sit in prison all the time. I SIT IN BLOODY PARLIAMENT HOUSE. Do you see any Aboriginals in Parliament House? Well... sometimes, I guess, but they're never the Prime Minister. Pauline Hanson is just useless now. We took over most of her policies, except we're better at them, 'cause when they were hers they were "Racist", but now they're ours they're "Necessary". The difference is that she's a total bogan with a stupid voice, and I'm totally cultured and stuff. Like, I have a law degree, while she has a fish 'n chip shop. Not that fish 'n chips aren't awesome or anything, but lawyers are awesomer. Lawyers get cool wigs and lots of money, while people who own fish 'n chip shops get greasy aprons and ten cents for a little packet of tartar sauce (which I reckon is a total rip-off, by the way, but still wouldn't earn her that much money).

So, given that I am clearly waaaaaay cooler than Pauline Hanson, why won't anyone pay attention to ME? There were even boat people this week! That's normally gold! I have it down to an art: They come over in some dodgy boat, I say they're stupid and that they want to steal all our money and jobs, we stick them on an island, and I win the next election. But Pauline is ruining the whole system. It's bad enough that I have to compete with the contestants on Australian Idol for media attention, but stupid dumb Pauline is really making it hard on me. Doesn't she realise that I have an election coming up?

Janette says that she still thinks I'm special, but that won't win me the next election. Well, not unless I can somehow take democracy out of our elections like George Bush did. Actually, as usual, he was right on the money with that one. 'Cause like, he didn't let anyone who even may be a criminal vote, and by "criminal" he meant "black". And this country is chockers with black people. And most of them don't really like me (which is good, 'cause I don't like them either). For real, if I could stop all "criminals" in this country from voting, then I'd be sweet. Well, obviously I'd still let rich criminals who commit tax evasion and fraud and stuff vote, 'cause they like me. I'd just exclude black "criminals". And then, if I still didn't get in, I could just take another page out of George's book, take it to the courts, and get in anyway. I reckon they'd go it, 'cause if the courts let Pauline Hanson out of jail so close to the next election, they're clearly total spazzes.

Of course, 'cause Simon Crean's such a dick and everyone hates him, I'll probably win anyway and won't have to do any of that stuff. But I bet I don't even get a run in the paper. I bet they'll be too concerned with who wins Australian Idol. Speaking of which, why are they even bothering with the competition anymore? Like, it's a white guy versus a black guy. As if Australians are gonna vote for a criminal.

What a totally wicked week! George's visit is now officially The Greatest Moment in Australia's History Since the Whitlam Dismissal™. And it would've been perfect if that stupid dumb idiot Bob Brown hadn't tried to stuff things up. What a lame-o. George was in Parliament giving this great speech (for real, 'cause like, Parliament is normally soooooo boring when I'm not speaking), and Bob Brown stands up and starts yelling about some "Australian" terrorists that George is going to kill for us, or whatever. First of all, they're clearly not really Australian if they're terrorists, because that's totally un-Australian and everyone knows that terrorists are all foreigners, and secondly, I reckon it's great that they're in prison there, 'cause they have the death penalty. I wish we could send all the foreigners here off to Guantanamo Bay. So shut up, Bob Brown. Keep your stupid communist views to yourself. It was totally embarrassing. Fortunately, George made this really funny joke about free speech. I didn't get it, but I laughed anyway, 'cause I didn't want him to think I wasn't smart, or anything.

Also, it was great that the Australian media weren't allowed to speak to George. I mean, there are some cool and smart journos like Andrew Bolt and Piers Ackerman who are totally even-handed and fair, but then there are stupid loser journos like Phillip Adams and Kerry O'Brien who are just totally biased and lame. I reckon that it was better that we let un-biased and neutral journalists like CNN cover the event. Because everyone knows that it's un-Australian if you're not egalitarian (which Janette says means "non-discriminatory", which she says means "equal"). CNN are very egalitarian, so they're very Australian. But Phillip Adams and Kerry O'Brien aren't very Australian at all. We should send them to Guantanamo Bay.

I reckon the best part of The Greatest Moment in Australia's History Since the Whitlam Dismissal™ was the barbeque at the Lodge. There were some top blokes there like Kerry Packer, Mark Taylor, and Steve Irwin. We also had to bring in a few token minorities, too, because that's part of being egalitarian and therefore Australian. So to kill two birds with one stone, this Aboriginal chick, Jackie Huggins, got to come. She was so typical: "Can I please have a snag?" "Can you please pass the tomato sauce?" "Where's the bathroom?" It's always "me, me, me" with these Aboriginals, they want everything handed to them on a paper plate. Thank God Amanda Vanstone was there to do her job (though man can that woman scoff down lamb-chops). She said, "Look, Jackie, paper napkins don't grow on trees. You can't just go through life expecting hand-outs from this government." At first I was a little worried about giving a woman something as important as the Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs portfolio, but clearly she's the right man for the job.

Barbequing the food was a bit of a problem, but as always, George stepped in to save the day. See, I always reckon you should prick the snags with a fork before cooking them, but Pete Costello reckoned you shouldn't so they can cook in their own juices. Then the GG, Michael Jeffery stepped in and said that you need to fry them in a bit of a beer, and that we all had to do what he said because it's in the constitution. So Pete threw some coleslaw at him. And then he threw some bread rolls at me. So Janette told them that they both had to have time out. But Michael said that he's the GG and she can't tell him what to do so nya, and so I was going to call up Queen Liz to dob on him. But just at the last minute, George stepped in and said, "Hey Fellas, don't go off with your pistols half cocked! Seems like ya'll don't know whether to scratch your watches or wind your butts! Now, I'm the leader of the free world, so I'll show ya'll how we do things in a real democracy!" So George took the tongs off me, got one of his guards to bring in a blow torch, and he cooked the snags himself. Then he made Michael and Pete clean up all the char left on the barbeque, 'cause they really should've done it his way from the beginning. Then he sold the snags back to us at the bargain-basement price of $1.50 each. Well, he didn't give one to Jackie Huggins, but we explained to her that the "trickle-down effect" would mean that she'd still get one.

Then Janette made us an awesome "Axis of Treacle" dessert which was filled with a mix of cream and jam that she called "Coalition of the Filling".