Yaaaaaay! George is officially coming to visit me! It's gonna be so cool. Though it sucks a bit that Canberra is so boring and lame. Maybe we can move Parliament to Sydney for the visit, or something. It'd suck if George reckoned that Australian politics was uncool just 'cause Canberra makes everything look lame. Except the ALP, who look lame in any state. Canberra just makes them look like, super-lame. I told Simon Crean that, and he was all, "Yeah? Well the Liberals are like, super-lame times one hundred!" And I'm like, "Then the ALP are super-lame times infinity plus one, no returns!" So he stuck his tongue out at me then ran off like a baby. He's so immature. I hope he's not around when George visits, 'cause George is heaps mature and so am I, and I don't want George to think that I'm a baby like Stupid-Head Crean. Just to make sure, I'm gonna stop doing some stuff that... well, it isn't baby-ish or anything, 'cause I'm like an adult and that, but stuff that George might think was not so mature or something 'cause he's really cultured.

So first off, I'm gonna stop getting the Happy Meal at McDonalds. I'll miss the toy, but I wanna show George that I can handle a whole Big Mac and a medium Coke (when Janette lets me get a Coke, anyway). The next thing I'm gonna stop doing is carrying my Teddy Bears (who are called Robert and Menzies) with me all the time. Like, I can still keep them in my bed at home, but I won't take them into Parliament or to important functions. I know they'll get lonely and stuff, but I reckon they'll understand. And finally, I'm gonna take the big step from watching the Disney Channel to Nickelodeon. I reckon it's heaps more high-brow and intellectual and that. And 'cause I also watch Cartoon Network, George will see how totally down I am with the media. It's like I'm well read, only without reading, so like I'm well watched, or something.


I think if I can take these steps forward, I'll be a much cooler person, PM, and coallition member (that's "Coallition of the Willing", not the Liberal/National Coallition. I don't give a stuff about that), and George will think I'm totally rad. Which he probably already does, but he'll think I'm radder.

Stupid Wilson Tuckey. What a loser. As a leader, I've tried so hard to set a good example and that, and then he just has to go out and act like a dickhead. Like, how many times does the guy have to see me lie and get away with it to learn what to do when he gets caught out doing something naughty? Children Overboard, Weapons of Mass Destruction, The Govenor General, Ethanol, kicking a footy through a window in Parliament House and blaming it on Simon Crean... and still no one's calling for my resignation. Well, no one who matters. But he gets caught abusing his position once, and he doesn't even try to lie. Where did I go wrong? I've tried so hard to raise a cabinet of politicians who aren't total lame-o's, just like in America. But I suppose we also have bloody "ministerial responsibility" to try and get around, which is, of course, a dumb British thing. The British are so dumb. Except for the Royal Family, of course. They're cool. But Ministerial Responsibility isn't. Why should I have to responsible for things that go wrong? That's what public servants are for.

Anyway, yeah, Wilson Tuckey sucks. All he had to say was "What letter? No one ever told me about this letter? I have a son? Well I wasn't informed about this "son". If my wife knew, she never told me." And then after like, a week, everyone would've forgotten about the whole thing. Duh. But now everyone's all, "Oooh, he's naughty, you have to fire him." Which like, I would, except he's the best wicket-keeper in the whole cabinet, and if we lost him, we'd have to let Kay Patterson play kanga cricket with us at lunch time, and that'd suck, 'cause y'know, women in sport and stuff. Maybe Wilson can blame the whole thing on her. All she does is cut the orange quarters for half time, anyway, and there are other women in the cabinet who I'd be just as happy to see back in the kitchen where women do their best work.

Homosexuals are so bloody greedy. I mean, they already have a parade, and you'd think that'd be enough, but nooooo, now they want to get married too. They have some lame idea that marriage is about love or something. Idiots. Marriage is about sex. Sex that leads to babies. Babies that lead to Young Libs. Anyway, everyone knows that homosexuality is wrong and dumb and evil. 'Cause homosexual couples adopt kids or have IVF or whatever, and then wreck the kids' lives by raising them in families with same-sex parents. I reckon if a parade is good enough for the ANZACs, then it's good enough for homosexuals. Well, I guess the ANZACs got their own biscuit, too. But then, they were doing good stuff like fighting in a war and that, not threatening the survival of our species. Homosexuals are so gay.

I'm so sick of the ABC. They're so thick that they don't get that when we say "media bias", what we mean is "media bias against us". Dumb stupid idiots. I'm not sure what the letters "ABC" really stand for, but I reckon it must be "Almost Bloody Communists", 'cause the ABC are like, totally in love with the left. Once I said to Kerry O'Brien, "If you love the left so much, why don't you marry the left?" And he goes, "Excuse me?" And I'm like, "Ooh, Kerry and the left, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!" And then he told me to get out of his front yard and to stop following him around. Another thing the ABC loves is foreign people. Apparently they even named a show about them called "Foreign Correspondent". Jeeze, why not just name the show "We Love You, Foreigners. Please Come Over Here Illegally In Your Foreign Boats So You Can Take All the Jobs And Collect Welfare"?! And they even have foreigners on some of their programs. Like, there's an Aboriginal chick on Playschool. I dunno about anyone else, but I wouldn't want a foreigner singing "Two Little Dickie Birds" to my kids.

Minority groups suck.

Happy Birthday to ME! 64 today! Only 36 years till I get a letter from the Queen! Well, ok I get letters from the Liz quite often, but for once I'd like to get one that isn't just whinging about Camilla and Tony Blair.

Janette wouldn't let me have a party this year. Last year, the cabinet all came down to Kirribilli, and we had too much red cordial and Fanta and we decided to play Marco Polo in Sydney Harbour and I got a nasty cold. Janette said I was lucky that I didn't end up like Harold Holt. I was really, really hoping for a Playstation 2 this year, but I got two new cardigans and a coffee mug that says, "I'm PM, so why try harder?" on it. Maybe George will send me over something cool. Actually, I thought George had called me this morning to wish me a Happy Birthday, but it was just Pete Costello checking that I hadn't reconsidered and decided to retire today. I hadn't.

I got a wicked cool cake, though. It was a Pavlova, 'cause Janette reckons that's really Australian, and it had this poem iced on it:

Sixty-Four today
Hip-Hip Hooray
To a special Birthday Boy
And the countries that he helped destroy
The Liberal Party rules
The ALP are tools
Happy Birthday John
Now let's find another country to bomb!

Obviously, it was a big cake. Janette says she's going to slice up the rest and I can take it back to Canberra to share with my friends. Except for John Anderson, 'cause he brought Lamingtons on his birthday and didn't give me one. I reckon someone should explain to him what it being part of the coalition means: Being nice to me. What a meanie. Like I'd want his stupid National Party lamingtons, anyway.

Today I met a Palestinian bloke and I was supposed to talk about "road maps" with him. But I'm not really good with maps, 'cause I have a guy that drives me round where I need to be. Apparently this guy was from some place called Israel which is in a place called the Middle East which I think is somewhere in South America. Probably towards the centre of the Eastern part. Anyway, there's this problem over there, 'cause the Palestinian people reckon that Israel is theirs, but there are lots of Jewish people who also reckon Israel is theirs. I told him that was like how we have Australians and Aborigines here, only Australia is clearly ours, 'cause if it was theirs it'd probably be called "Aborigi", or something. I suggested that he start calling the place "Palestine" or something, and he might have more luck.

Everyone's being mean to me 'cause I might've said some things that weren't exactly true about Iraq trying to get stuff off Africa to make nuclear weapons. I dunno why anyone cares. I said stuff about asylum seekers chucking their kids out of boats which wasn't exactly true, either, and who except the ALP even remembers that any more? Everyone still knows that, like Iraqis, Asylum Seekers are evil. Plus, I was trying to convince Australians that we needed to go to war with Iraq and there wasn't exactly a whole lot of actual evidence supporting my case. What did people expect me to say?

Duh, Australia.

I'm so over Telstra. I wish we could just sell the bugger, already. Don't the losers in the bush get it? If we actually wanted to hear anything they have to say, then we'd give them decent phone and internet services. There's a reason we like to keep them disconnected from the rest of Australia. People from the country are so stupid. That's why the National Party are so good, though, 'cause it means we don't have to have stupid country people associated with the Liberal Party, but we still basically get their votes. The country has always been full of idiots, too. Like Clancy of the Overflow, who didn't bother to leave a forwarding address or email or anything, so no one could get in touch with the guy. And that Waltzing Matilda bloke who tried to steal a sheep by putting it in his bag. What a dickhead. I've got a pretty big briefcase that Janette bought me for my birthday last year, and all I can fit in it everyday is my lunch box and a spare pair of undies (just in case). As if you'd try and put a whole sheep in there. No wonder he drowned, the nong-head had a sheep strapped to his back. In fact, I reckon the smartest person to ever come out of the country wasn't even a person, it was Skippy the Kangaroo. How dumb must you be if a kangaroo is smarter than you? Skippy never complained about telephones, either.

Alex Downer says we're going to send troops to this place called the Solomon Islands. I'm not sure why. The US aren't, and they aren't part of the Axis of Evil. Alex reckons we were invited to send troops there 'cause the people there suck and are mean to the government, or something. I guess I can understand that, some of the people in Australia are mean to me, too. Like the ALP. Maybe I should make a deal with them: If we sort out the nasty pasties over there, the Solomon Islands have to send people over here to get rid of the ALP. Maybe they could even take the party back with them. I find islands are a very good place to put people you don't want.

It's official: I'm gonna be the PM for ever! Well, unless Labor win an election, but as if. The other night I made Pete Costello and John Anderson come into my office, and I've gone, "Pete, I know you've been working very hard to position yourself as the next leader of the Liberal Party, and you're a top bloke and stuff, but... I'M NOT GONNA RETIRE! HAHA, IN YOUR FACE, DERBRAIN! THINK YOU CAN STEAL MY JOB? NOT IN THIS LIFETIME! NER-NER NEE NER-NER!" And he was totally fighting back tears, and he goes, "So what? I didn't want to be the leader, anyway!" And then he ran out. Probably to cry.

At the moment, I'm heaps busy trying to find another Governor General. I need to find someone that everyone loves, so that when they stuff up, no one will care. I'm still not fully sure, but I've narrowed it down to a short list:

Don Bradman - Everyone loves the Don. I know he's dead, but that just means he couldn't say anything bad in the media, or make any mistakes. Is Don, is good.

Don Bradman's Cap - Not quite as good as the Don, but if people aren't ok with having a corpse as their GG, the cap'd be a good substitute. Of course, we'd have to rescue the thing from England, but it'd actually be a really good excuse for me to spend tax-payers money on bringing the cap back home to its rightful place: as our head of state.

Kylie - Yeah, I know, a chick, but she'd do wonders for our image. The only problem is that then Dannii would probably want to be GG, too. Actually, that gives me a good idea...

Johnny Young - Every public address could begin with "Close your eyes and I'll kiss you" (I could do the "oo-oo-oo" bit in the background). I always wanted to go on YTT back in the 70s, but apparently 35 was too old. I looked wicked cool in lemon slacks, too. I reckon I still do.

Dick Smith - I dunno if it's the glasses, but I reckon Dick is cool. Also, he has a funny name. I'd be able to say, "The Governor General is a Dick", and Janette couldn't tell me off.

Wow, the last week has been so tops! First off, I went to George's ranch is Texas, which was so cool. Well, Texas wasn't cool, 'cause it's pretty hot there. Why is it always so hot in the desert? George reckons it's 'cause there are less buildings to get in the way of the sun. I got to fly there on Air Force One and everyone was all "Ohhh, that's so exciting!" about it, but I don't get what the fuss is all about. I didn't even get a coloring book like on Qantas, and there wasn't an in-flight movie, or like, those repeats of Better Homes and Gardens that they play on domestic flights. Then I got to go to the baseball, which is sort of like cricket, only they don't wear zinc or rub the ball against their crotch. Then George said that I was a "man of steel"! That's like what they call Superman! So to pay him back the compliment, I said told him that he was "the ghost who walks". He gave me a weird look. Maybe he's not a Phantom fan. Next time I'll tell him that he "does whatever a spider can". Everyone loves Spiderman.

I also had to go to smelly England to see smelly Tony Blair. It was his birthday, and I didn't want to go to his party, but Janette said it'd be rude not to accept the invitation. Speaking of which, the invitations were Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ones, which are sooo uncool. I mean, I had them at my 50th birthday! What a smelly loser. So anyway, I went, and it was lame. We had to play "Ring-a-Ring-a-Rosie", and when we all fell down I bumped my knee. Then we played "Kiss Chasey" and I almost had to kiss John Prescott, but we decided that a friendly hand-shake would be better. And then, to top it all off, I didn't even get a lolly bag. What a sucky party.

For years I've been telling Simon Crean that everyone hates him, only it kind of wasn't true, 'cause there were still a few people who liked him, like the Labor Party and stuff. But now it's actually true! Everyone really does hate Simon Crean. And not just compared to me, either. They even prefer that der-brain Kim Beazley. When even a pack of losers like the ALP think you're a loser, then you must know that you're a loser. But just in case he was to stupid to realise it, I sent him a letter saying "You're a loser".

I'm definitely going to George's ranch now! But I also have to go visit a whole lot of other countries, too. And not even cool ones like Hawaii, but stupid ones like Europe. I also have to go to Asia, which sucks because they all wear masks over there now. I guess they think it's cool or something, but it so isn't. How can I go jogging with a mask over my face? The press photos will make me look stupid, which I know sounds impossible, but it could happen. Maybe I could bring my Darth Vader mask with me and use that instead. That's wicked cool. And then in all the press conferences I could be all, "The ability to destroy Iraq is insignificant next to the power of the Coalition." And they'd be all, "What?" (Because Asians are lame and probably haven't have seen Star Wars) And I'd be all, "Search your feelings, Asians, you know it to be true." And they'd be all, "What?" And I'd go, "If you only knew the power of the Dark side of the Coalition" And they'd go, "What?" And I'd go, "I sense something, a presence I've not felt since..." And then Janette would burst in and go, "Stop fooling around and do this press conference properly!" And I'd go, "Janette, you can destroy Saddam. He has foreseen this. It is your destiny, join me and together we can rule the galaxy as husband and wife." And then she'd give me that look and go, "I'll count to ten, John..." And then I'd do the press conference properly, because she's never gotten to ten before, but I'm afraid of what will happen if she does.

Things are so boring here with this war. I thought it'd be a lot more fun. I mean, the killing and the guns and stuff is all good, but every time the coalition does something stupid (and I'll bet it's always the British troops who muck up, too), the people who advise me on what to do reckon I should stay away from the media. So to pass the time, we're all trying to work out who gets first dibs on fixing up Iraq so it's a proper country with McDonalds and stuff after the war is over. I can't believe the UN reckon they should get a piece of the action. Like I told George Bush, if they didn't cause any the destruction in the first place, they shouldn't get to fix it up.

Speaking of George, I'm probably getting to go to his ranch next month! Janette and the people who advise me on stuff wouldn't let me go last time he asked me 'cause of some crap about Australian Troops or something, but apparently it's cool now! It'll be like Little House on the Prarie, only with less blind people. And hopefully not like the time Laura adopted a raccoon and it bit her and they thought she might have rabies. I hope we can play Cowboys and Indians, too. Only, I don't want to be an Indian 'cause I don't like curry or Asians or Kamahl. Though Janette reckons that Kamahl's from some place called Sri Lanka, which is so stupid, 'cause everyone knows that Sri Lanka is a cricket team, not a country. Women know nothing about sport. Thank God a man's the PM of this country, 'cause leaders need to be smart and know stuff about the world and about cricket.

It's here! It's finally here! This past week has been tops, I would've done one of these war things much sooner if I'd known how much fun they are. Like, Australian troops go over and kill all the bad people in Iraq so they can have peace, or whatever, and then every time something bad happens to an Aussie, I get to go on TV and be all, "Oh yeah, that sucks, I'm heaps sad about that... Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi Oi Oi!" And then everyone's all, "Oh, what a cool PM, he's really caring, and stuff." So when good things happen, it's good, and when bad things happen, it's good, too.

Plus I get to stay in Canberra, which is cool, 'cause Janette's not with me so I can stay up way past my bed time! Last night I had the cabinet over at the lodge, where we played "War on Terror". I got to be George Bush, so John Anderson got to be me, but he was pretty crap at it. We were gonna let Danna Vale be me, but everyone agreed it'd be pretty lame having a chick as a PM. So anyway, obviously no one wanted to be Tony Blair, so we took a chicken out of the fridge, drew some eyes on it, and it looked pretty much the same. Peter Costello was Saddam Hussein, Robert Hill was Osama Bin Laden, and Nick Minchin was Kim Jong-il. They just had to sit in the "Axis of Evil Secret Underground Lair" (under the dining table) laughing that "Mwahahahaha" laugh that only evil people do, until we dropped "bombs" (pillows) on them and took all the "oil" (jars of Vegemite). And then George Bush and I (who John Anderson was playing, but it still meant me) were proclaimed "Coolest Dudes in the World" and then everyone made Vegemite and Cheese Sandwiches, except me, 'cause I thought I'd stay in character and have one of those Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches I always hear about, only it didn't work for some reason. Maybe they don't use Aeroplane Jelly in the US.

Oh, and there was an election in NSW, or something.... I dunno, I didn't watch it.

It's sooooooo unfair! George Bush, Tony Blair and the Prime Minister of Spain (whoever that is) are all going away to some island together, and they didn't invite me! Janette says it's probably just because Australia's not on the Security Council, but I reckon it's because Tony Blair doesn't want me there, because he's a nasty pastie. I mean, they invited the Prime Minister of Spain! Spain's in like, Asia, or something. If they wanted an Asian, they could've at least invited someone from an important Asian country, like China or Brazil. I'll bet it was Tony who invited him, and I'll bet he only did it to spite me. He's such a mean bean.

So, anyway, they're going to be off having fun on this island... unless it's like "Survivor", I guess, 'cause those islands never look like so much fun. Except, I suppose if it really was like "Survivor", then I could vote Tony Blair off, and then that'd be really cool, because I'd be all, "Tony, the tribe has spoken." And he'd be all, "Waaaah, I'm crying, 'cause I'm a sooky baby!" And then everyone would laugh at him. He's such a loser. Apparently his own party doesn't even support him on the war stuff, whereas almost everyone in the whole of Australia supports me. I don't care what the polls say, the fact is that if Australians don't support me, then they'll vote me out at the next election. And seeing as they haven't yet voted me out at the next election, they clearly support me.

Hmph. I still hate not being invited, though. Maybe it's because I'm not cool enough. But Janette says I'm cool, and I'm fairly sure that I am, too. I dunno, maybe I'm so cool that Tony's scared of looking uncool compared to me. That's just stupid, 'cause he's gonna to look uncool no matter who he's around, even Asians like the Prime Minister of Spain. I hope George still thinks I'm cool. Last time I was there, he said I was. Well, like he said, "You look cold, do you need a jacket?" But that's pretty much the same thing. I don't even think he reckons Tony's cool, either, 'cause I was like, "So... whadda you reckon about Tony?" And he was like, "I don't know... why? Don't you like him, or something?" And I'm like, "Well, I dunno, do you like him?" So he's like, "I don't know... I don't like like him. Do you?" So I'm like "Well... not like like, but what about just like?" But he didn't answer, 'cause then we decided to get some sheets and make a cubby under his desk in that Oval Office, so he probably reckons Tony's heaps uncool, too.

But in that case, I should be the one going away to the island, and not Tony or the Asian! It's so unfair!

I had to spend my weekend hanging in New Zealand, and it was pretty lame. That country's a poor-man's Australia. Like, instead of Aboriginals who steal all the positions in the AFL from real Australians, they have these Ma...mao...mayo... these other foreigners that steal all the rugby jobs. Or like how we have a cricket team, and so do they, only theirs is crap. Or like how Australia has me, and New Zealand has a woman.

It was also lame 'cause for some reason, everywhere I went, there happened to be an anti-war protest going on at the same time. Like talk about bad timing! I just hope they didn't realise who I was. At least that's one thing that Australia and New Zealand has in common, though: The lefties in both countries suck. Though ours say, "No war in Iraq!", and theirs say "No war un Uruq!" It's still just as annoying, though. Only, 'cause they're losers, New Zealand doesn't support the war anyway, so maybe Australia can ship all our loser pacifists over there, so they can all hold hands and sing "Give Peace a Chance" (or "Guve Peace a Chunce") where no one else has to hear them. It'll be like the Pacific Solution, only with more sheep. And no one will whine about it, either, because the people getting sent away are exactly the same people who care about that human rights crap.

Man, I'm so smart with this politics stuff, I think tomorrow I'll try and work out a way of getting those Aboriginals out of Australia and back to where ever they came from.

What's all this crap that I keep hearing about the majority of Australians not wanting a War on Iraq? Hello? George Bush said that the Australian people support the War, and I think he'd know what he's talking about, he is like, the President of the World. Well, almost. Just because a few dickhead lefties want to stand around making our streets smell like their unwashed, hippy selves, and whining, "1,2,3,4, We whinge a lot, and we suck!" It makes no difference to me. We're still going to have our War, and it's not like any of them vote for real political parties, anyway.

See, that's what Democracy's all about: You vote me as your PM, so I can tell you what you think while you do more interesting things, like watching Neighbours, or whatever. Because I'm caring like that. It's a tough job, too, 'cause there are hundreds, maybe even thousands, of People in this country. And there are Muslims and Aboriginals, too. So like, right now, if you're a person, I can tell you that you're thinking, "I like War, and America, and I think that John Howard is a very attractive man." Or if you're a Muslim, you're thinking, "I am evil and I am now going to blow up a prominent Australian landmark and threaten Australia's way of life. I also suddenly have an unfounded fear of fridge magnets." Or of you're an Aboriginal, you're thinking, "Hmmm, why don't I go sponge of the Government some more?"

Speaking of Aboriginals, they finally got rid of some that stupid Tent Embassy! Thank God. I hope they pull the whole stupid thing down. It's so embarrassing when important foreign people would come round, and I'm trying to show them what Australia's really like, but there's all these Aboriginals in the way, and I say, "We don't know where they came from, but we sure didn't invite them here!" And they're like, "To Parliament House?" And I'm like, "No, to Australia." And it's not as if they have nice tents from like, K-Mart, or something, they're all ugly and old, and have those stupid dot paintings all over them. What's the deal with those paintings, anyway? Like people are all, "Oh, they're so great!" about them, but I can paint better than that! I could paint dots in when I was in Kinder, and these days I can do squares and triangles, too. When I was over in the US, George kept talking about a Pentagon, but I don't know much about that, because it's a pretty hard shape to paint, like, it has about seven sides, or something. I bet George can paint it, though. I guess that's why he's President of the World.

Oh Yeah! I'm The Man! Well no, I guess George Bush is The Man, but I'm definitely... a Man. Anyway, George said all this nice stuff about me in the media, like how we're really good mates, and how he thinks I'm tops and really smart, and how he wishes that he could move to Australia so he could see me more often. Well, ok, maybe not that last part, but I'll bet he does. He asked if there was anywhere I wanted to go while I was there, and I said Sesame Street, but he said he'd been searching for ages, and he still doesn't know where it is. So I didn't get to meet any funny-looking muppets, but I came close, 'cause then I had to go to England and hang to with Tony Bum-Face Blair (I'm not sure if that's his real middle name, but I reckon it should be). He's so boring. Like, he only wanted to talk about politics, and not only that, he actually laughed at me about one of Australia's biggest tragedies since Goff Whitlam was elected. That's right, he laughed about Shane Warne getting kicked out of the cricket for using drugs. So I was like, "Yeah? Well.... you suck!" And then I went and wrote "Tony Blair is as stupid! Australia Rulz!" on the bathroom wall of their Parliament. They'll never know that I did it, either, because I wrote "From Stupid Simon Crean" underneath, so he'll get the blame!

Today I had to meet with Megawa... uh, that Mega Indonesian chick (who's not really that "Mega", by the way. I mean, she's a little pudgy, but I'd say more "Rotund" than "Mega"), and she totally tried to make me look like a loser! She was making this speech, and she goes, "Both Indonesia and Australia are hoping to find a peaceful resolution for Iraq." And I'm like, "Are not!" Imagine George had've seen that, he'd reckon that I'm totally uncool. I don't want peace, how boring would that be? This war stuff's great, I get to hang out with George, I'm on TV all the time (and not just on Question Time, 'cause seriously, who watches that, anyway? I don't even listen to what's going on in Parliament, and that's my job!), and it's a really good excuse to make fun of people who look different to me, like Saddam Hussein, 'cause he has a moustache, and I don't, and who knows what weapons those Terrorists are hiding in their facial hair...

So I'm about to go on this totally big tour to America to hang out with George and his mates Donald and Colon (Simon Crean laughed at Colon's name, but I don't get it. He's probably just jealous that Colon doesn't want to hang out with him, 'cause he's such a nong. Simon, I mean, not Colon)! It's this heaps big deal, though, like I get a private dinner and a private meeting (and "private" means that Tony Blair won't be there). It's gonna be like being a rock star on tour, only I don't get to wear leather pants or trash hotel rooms (though once I was in a hotel, and I ate a fun-sized Snickers from the mini-bar and I chucked the wrapper on the floor! It was soooo funny! I'm surprised it didn't cause more of a scandal at the time).

The not-so-cool part of the tour, though, is hanging out with the losers from the UN, and pretending that I even want them in our war. Coffee's such a square, and he always make me talk about boring stuff like politics. Maybe I should bring my Gameboy and Pokemon cards so I have something to do while he yammers on about anything that isn't to do with bombs getting dropped on those Terrorists in Iraq. I mean, what could he talk to me about? I'm the one who's stopped Terrorism in Australia with my pre-emptive sending out of Terrorist Kits. Australia's leading the World in making and sending out anti-Terrorist Fridge Magnets, and we're clearly the most alert, but least alarmed, country around.

And I reckon we could become even more alert and even less alarmed, too. Like if Australians started carrying fridges with them wherever they go. Maybe just a bar fridge, or even an esky ('cause after all, we have to preserve the Australian way of life), but something where people can put up their anti-Terrorist Fridge Magnets, and be safe all day long. Think about it, not only would you be safe from Terrorists at work, but you could also keep your lunch nice and cold, too. And even if for some reason the Fridge Magnet wasn't keeping Terrorists away, you could always just throw your fridge at them.

It's all part of being alert but not alarmed. I don't want real Australians to have to change how they live, just because Foreign people suck, I just want them to do the responsible thing by their country by hauling a Kelvinator around with them all day.

You know, sometimes it sucks not being the "Super Power" like George Bush is, but then sometimes it's kind of cool. Like, with this whole war, of course it's heaps cool, but then when people are like, "Uh, dude, it's so not cool!", then I can be all, "Well, it's not me, I'm not commited to it, or anything, but George is, and y'know, he's a mate", but then if they're like, "Oh yeah! Go war! What a rockin' idea!", then I can be like, "Well, it was my idea. I mean, George came up with the War on Iraq itself, but I came up with... stuff. Like if you see t-shirts with "What Would George Do?" printed on them, that was all my idea." And then people think I'm even cooler, 'cause I'm like, creative and stuff.

Anyway, if I was a "Super Power", then I'd want really cool special powers, too. And a cape. And maybe a mask, too. I'm not sure about wearing my jocks on the outside during Parliament, though. Probably just a green and yellow one-piece lycra bodysuit, or something. Y'know, if I was leader of the Free World and had Kung-Fu grip, I'd have to keep it tastefull.

Yesterday I took a break from my holidays to have a bit of fun by going back to work. I got to talk about the war all day long, which was totally rad, but 'cause he's such a spaz, Simon Crean was whinging that I "talk up war" too much, or something. As if. I mean, if there's a war coming up, then why can't I talk about war? And he's gotta face the fact that we're going to have a war, 'cause George Bush says we need to have a war, and so we're gonna be part of that war, and of course I'm gonna be talking about war a little bit, 'cause I'm the PM and I have to talk about war, 'cause talking about war is my job. He's just jealous, 'cause he doesn't get to talk about war, and I do get to talk about war, so really I'm just talking about war as much as any normal person talks about war, but 'cause he's a sook, he just thinks I'm talking about war more than most people talk about war, when in actual fact, I'm not talking about war any more than I'd normally talk about war.

Speaking of war, why's it taking so bloody long? All this stuff with the UN... weapons reports and all that -- why bother? Like, does anyone actually care what the UN think? That Coffee guy's really annoying, too, and what a stupid name. Clearly we're just gonna go ahead with the war, regardless of what Coffee and that Hands guy (and seriously, who's naming these people? Maybe we'd take the UN more seriously if they had sensible names like, oh, Robert Menzies or Don Bradman, or something) reckon, so why not just cut them out all together? I guess George knows what he's doing, after all, he's a pretty smart bloke, but I'm getting really impatient!

War war war war war war war war war war war war war war.......

A Chirstmas Letter from the Howards

Dear Friends, Family and National Party Politicians (Janette said I had to send you a copy of this, even though I didn't want to. No offence),

Wow, I can't believe it's been twelve months since this time last year.

I reckon when I think back on 2002, I'll remember it for all the Muslims, which, as we all know, is just a fancy-schmancy way of saying "Terrorists". I'd never even noticed them much before, well like, I had, 'cause they look different from me, so I used to laugh at them and stuff, but this is the first year I realised they were all harbouring weapons of mass destruction in their houses. So our first special Howard Family Christmas Prayer is for ASIO, because they've kept us safe from Muslims all year.

This year's been chockers with stuff to do, but of the coolest things I did was that CHOGM thingo. Well, stupid, ugly Tony Blair was there, and that sucked, but Queen Liz was also there, and what's cool about that is that 1) We're about the same height, 2) She's really old, and 3) She wears silly hats, so when I stand next to her, I look like I'm not so short, and also like I'm young and well-dressed. So our second very special Howard Family Christmas Prayer goes out to the British Monarchy, God Save the Queen and her pastel outfits, but not Prince William, 'cause he looks too young and tall standing next to me.

As you all probably know, I've spent a good part of this year hangin' with my mate, George Bush. We've done heaps of stuff together, like I showed him how to play Kanga Cricket, and he showed me how to ignore the UN. See that's multi-culturalism and racial harmony, Austalians and Americans getting on, not Australians and dole-bludging immigrants getting along. Anyway, it's been heaps cool, but it probably wouldn't have happened without the upcoming War on Iraq, so our third special Howard Family Christmas Prayer goes out to Gerorge Bush and the War on Iraq.

Janette reckons that this is the time of year to think about those who are less fortunate than ourselves, and there is one country that's really doing it tough, and I think we all know what country I'm talking about. It's a country with a total loser for a leader, a country where riots are happening all the time, and a country where many find it hard to even get a good meal. So this year, I ask you to put your thoughts out to that country, and give your own special Christmas Prayer for England. Trust me, they make me go there all the time, and you wouldn't believe how much that place sucks (unless you've been there, too, and then you probably would) - their PM Tony Blair is a total dropkick, everytime they try and play their version of "Football" (and they totally ripped that name off us) everyone watching gets all pissed off 'cause they all suck at sport (just check out their cricket team) and starts rioting in the streets, they eat something called "Spotted Dick", and on top of that, it rains all the time, like more than Tasmania, even. That kind of stuff's only supposed to happen to Third World Countries on the news, not Western Countries. So before you have your Christmas Turkey this year, spare a thought for the English, 'cause it's the Christian thing to do (and we are all Christians in this country, after all).

So we hope you all have a cool Christmas, unfortunately Santa's not going to be coming in Australia this year, 'cause Australian customs officials decided that the metal buckles on his boots could be used as weapons, so ASIO will be delivering any non-suspicious presents instead. But watch out, 'cause they're armed and they don't come down the chimney, they just break down your windows and doors.

Merry Christmas!

Yours Sincerely,

John and Janette Howard

Thursday night sucked so harcore. The senate doesn't want ASIO to be able to hassle Terrorists or something, so we had to sit in Parliament all night while they rejected legislation. It would've been cool, like a sleepover, only it wasn't cool 'cause we weren't supposed to sleep, so it was just an "over". Well, I snuck off to my office to sleep a little, but I woke up with post-its stuck to the lenses of my glasses and I thought for a second that Kay Patterson had colored them in with a fluro-yellow highlighter again ('cause she does that all the time, and she reckons it's heaps funny, even though it isn't), but then I realised that she hadn't.

Ok, some of the night was kinda fun, like when Janette dropped round some chocolate crackles, vegimite sandwiches and lemon-lime cordial for everyone ("everyone" being the members of the coalition), but we weren't hungry, so we threw them at the opposition But we had to stop when Bob McMullan got chocolate all over his new pants and started crying. Cry-baby. But that was funny, 'cause his pants had this big brown stain on them, so we all called him "Cry-Baby Poo Pants".

But from then on, it was really, really boring. Like, even more boring than Parliament usually is. So we decided to have a sing a-long, which was kind of cool, we did all the old classics: Advance Australia Fair, Puff the Magic Dragon, I Still Call Australia Home, Popcorn (ok, so that doesn't have words, but we all did that "Ba-ba ba-ba bum-bum bum" thing)... but then I started singing God Save the Queen and the Labor Party all groaned and threw things at me. I guess they mustn't know the words, or something.

Then Wilson Tuckey wanted to play "Spin the Bottle", but we decided that we didn't want to risk getting Labor-germs, so we went and mooned the Senate. Funnily enough, even after that, they still didn't pass that legislation. Losers.